Maryland-That gooey stuff between Virginia and Pennsylvania

Maryland's Three Main Regions

Just The Facts

  1. Maryland joined the union pretty early. It was one of the original thirteen colonies so naturally, they got to sign the Declaration of Independence. The guy who signed it Charles Carroll County (or maybe it's just Carroll?) was the last-surviving signer of the Declaration so boo-yah
  2. Maryland's biggest city is Baltimore, which has millions of visitors every year as they stop for a fast-food meal en route to Philly, New York, and Boston
  3. Maryland is the home of the US Naval Academy, the Star-Spangled Banner, and the Preakness which we don't recommend you ever bet your life savings on unless you got a really fool-proof system that isn't based on the TV show Lost.


Maryland can best be classified as the city of Baltimore and the stuff outside of Baltimore.

Anyway, let's get to Baltimore: Baltimore was named after Lord Baltimore. Our history book never gave him a first name so it's quite possible he had a really sucky first name like Franklin or Alexis and just wanted to leave it out of the equation. Either way, we'll never really know what his first name is so let's put that to rest. We could use the internet to look it up, but goddamnit, if I have to use the internet to search every little fact-Ok, Cecilius Calvert was his name.

Baltimore is a really cool city with the Inner Harbor where they have all sorts of shops and attractions like the Aquairum, the "Top of the World" Observatory, the Science Museum and the Maritime Museum. Plus they really want you to like them. The official Visit Baltimore website boasts in a very passive-aggressive tone towards the cretins who refuse to equate the city's cultural artifacts with its neighbors to the North: "With the rich history the city boasts however, it's amazing that Baltimore hasn't been deemed one of America's greatest historical destinations."

Some of this passive-aggressiveness stems from the fact that Baltimore is a pretty big deal. It's also sort of sandwiched between a lot of cities that are also bigger deals: Philadelphia, New York, Washington D.C., and New Jersey which is slowly turning into one big urban dump.

If the TV show "The Wire" is to be believed, Baltimore is a hotbed of murder and drugs. No one here at has ever been murdered in Baltimore or offered us any drugs (which, depending on the drug, could potentially be awesome). It also helps that we're based in California.

Speaking of crime, Edgar Allen Poe possibly got murdered there. He was found drunk and beaten on the streets, and he hadn't been heard from for days, so it was all kind of a mysterious fucked-up situation no one knew what to make of and I don't think I could find out what happened to him in a google search:

Poe is arguably Baltimore's most famous native son. They named the football team "The Ravens" after him.

Another guy who's a big deal in Baltimore and all of Maryland is Cal Ripken. He's one of the few baseball players in the last 25 years who managed to avoid steroids, marital infidelity, or strangling cats with his bare hands (Yep, we're looking at you Pujols).

The Non-Baltimore parts of Maryland

There are other cities in Maryland besides Baltimore, but we're pretty sure you've never heard of them.

Honestly, some of these places-Chevy Chase, Hancock, Damascus-sound like pranks a cartographer played when charting out the state that no one ever bothered to see if anyone lived there.. I mean, come on, buddy, there's already a Damascus in Syria. There's also a Bel Air in Maryland and the rumors are true that when this article's author was growing up, he thought the Will Smith TV show took place there and wanted to take his parents to Bel-Air really badly.

Maryland is home to a lot of things.

  • There's the US Naval Academy where every year some of the country's best-looking and most athletically fit young men go to school together and question their sexual orientatiion as they embark on A LOT of wierd and bizarre activities in close quarters with other good-looking men. One of them, "The Annual Herndon Climb" is pictured here: Annual Navy Climb....

  • The Preakness at Pimlico Race Track. If the Kentucky Derby were Cinderella, the Preakness would be the evil stepsister in terms of the amount of attention that each of them gets. Nevertheless, the Preakness is part of the Triple Crown so if you want your horse to be the greatest horse in history like Secretariat, you have to come here too. There's little evidence that any of them like it
  • There's also Camp David located somewhere in the Catoctin Mountain National Forest. There is seriously no way you can even get anywhere near Camp David. The caterers for Camp David and owners of the Camp David museum in Thurmont, Maryland admit they have no idea where it even is. They reportedly deliver food through a third party who meets them somewhere in the Catoctin Mountains.
  • There was once a guy panhandling on the Interstate 95 onramp at Aberdeen. Seriously, why would anyone want to stop and give you money when you're getting ready to go 60 miles an hour? We're not sure if this attraction is still there.