Hip Hop

What differentiates rap from hip-hop? Back in the day, Hip-Hop was respectable. Today, it's nearly impossible to find a mainstream rapper with any bit of talent.

Just The Facts

  1. Most experts(?) agree that hip-hop got its beginning around the early 70's.
  2. According to Wikipedia, "Hip hop as a cultural movement manifest in B-boying (breakdancing), graffiti writing, DJing and eMCeeing is an artistic commitment to seize freedom from oppressive social conditions."
  3. Hip Hop is dead. Therefore, if you listen to it you're a necrophiliac.

Hip-hop's beginnings

During the 70's, people, often of African-American descent (NO ONE SAID BLACK)gathered in basketball courts and listened to DJs creating beats, which people would then dance to, thus creating the roots of hip-hop (NO ONE IS MAKING LIGHT OF THE BELOVED TV SERIES "ROOTS"). People responsible for this movement include Kool DJ Herc and Grandmaster Flash.

"I DARE one of you muhfuggin' crackers to make fun of my sock hat. Watermelon."

Hip-hop originally began as a way for urban youths to express themselves and survive in ghettos and other horrid environments, but since then, has become a multi-million dollar sellout industry with so little integrity that a 15-year old white kid with the voice of a 7-year old girl can get a record deal. So, uh, black power.

Affirmative action!

The unofficial Rap/Hip-hop doctrine

I have made a purposeful effort to study wiggers, gangsta's, and all sorts of hip-hop fans, and these are the findings I have uncovered*:

    • Must have a loose, or "Street", grasp on the English language.
    • The more it demeans women, the better it is.
    • Tupac is God.
    • Pants must be loose enough to conceal a weapon, or boner.
    • No real instruments may be used in your songs. It ruins the talented lyrics.
    • When driving, roll down the windows so we can ALL enjoy your music.
  • No matter how white you are, by accepting rap music into your life, you too can be black.
  • Having a youthful name = street (I.E. Young Jeezy, Lil Wayne, Kid Cudi)
  • Interrupting people at the VMAs is street as fuck
  • By speaking simple rhymes in a sing-song voice, you create flow. Any attempt to do something unusual or original IS NOT FLOW.
  • Hate white people? You aren't racist, you're a proud black man.
Diagram of appropriate white hate: Ordinary white people < Presidents < Police
  • Calling black people "Brothas" or "Sistahs" shows love for your community, no matter how many civilians your gang killed in a hail of crossfire.
  • You must be a faithful Christian.
  • You're a pervert for telling a woman that she has a fat booty, but rapping it is a-ok
  • Rap is totally the same thing as hip-hop.
  • Coming from a wealthy family is just as good as coming from the ghetto.
  • It's impossible to have too many bitches, hoes, or dollars.
  • Speed is always an excuse for substance.
If you read that last one and said "That's what she said", you suck.
  • Never graduated high school? You can always have a promising career in rap!
If you enjoy rap and you're still in high school remember that it's just incredibly cool to make up your own raps. If you're stuck trying to make one why not just recite lines from a popular rap song REALLY FUCKING LOUDLY.
  • Feel free to tap repetitive beats on desks, floors, or knees to rap along with. Protip- do it loud enough to really annoy white people.
  • Unless a song is utterly simple, devoid of talent, or features other rap-like qualities, it sucks. Tell that to as many metal kids as possible.
  • Rap lyrics should mention the size of your penis, how much tail you get, how much you love your mother, how amazing Jesus is (but you're better), and how good you are at rap.
  • Make up dance move to perform in your future music video.
Your music video must include the following (excluding the aforementioned dance moves): expensive alcohol sloshin' around, cigars, nekkid wemminz, fancy cars, and pelvic thrusts/crotch grabs
  • To be a pimp is to be accepted.
  • Your underwear must always be showing.
  • Eliminate certain words from your dialect (i.e. Instead of "What have you done?", say "What you did!?")
  • Rappers are always reppin' the hood.
  • Cursing = cool.
  • Rappers aren't gay. They like vaginas. Period.
  • White people are crackers. It's okay to remind white people of their role in slavery, but not the other way around.
  • All rappers must have stubble hair. Long hair is for women. Women Who rappers have sex with.
  • Women respond to rappers forcing themselves on them. After all, rapper is one letter away from raper.
  • Your success is measured in the number of sneaker lines you have.
  • Having taste is a reason to make fun of someone.
  • Female rappers must rap about how awful men are.
  • Whether you lived on the streets or just drove your Bentley over them, any emotional lyrics you write will be called "real".
  • Shout monosyllabic grunts as often as possible (i.e. YO, UH, YEAH, HA, YUH)

*Bear in mind that I have no intention to offend anyone, and if I come off as racist or sexist at any time in this article, I sincerely apologize.