Nintendo's Sloppy Seconds: Gaming's Secret Formula [CHART]
Just The Facts
- The Nintendo corporation began in 1887 selling trading cards.
- They didn't start developing electronics until nearly 100 years later.
- Today they're a corporate juggernaut, selling roughly 237 million console units, NOT including handhelds, because numbers don't actually go that high.
- Make no mistake, Nintendo has more money than God.
- But if they hadn't royally fucked up roughly half of everything they tried, they'd have more money than Ultra-God: The premium deity that God himself worships.
Nintendo's franchises have a rich and beloved past: There's Zelda, Metroid, Donkey Kong, Pokemon and many more. And what do they all have in common? They were each made one to two decades ago. And then made again. And again.
But for brevity's sake, let's just focus on one. The icon, the main man, the moustached maruader: Mario. How overused is he? Well, either as the star of the show or just making an appearance, he's appeared in over two-hundred fucking games. These are just SOME of them:
Mind you, this isn't "The Mario Universe" we're talking about here - just Mario himself. We're not even including other characters, like Yoshi, Peach, Wario, and the rest. There are more Mario games than many consoles have had in their entire catalogue (we're looking at you, Jaguar.)
A few things you may not know about Mario:
- Mario's trademark moustache was created because the designer Shigeru Miyamoto believed it was too hard to see or render a mouth in 8 bit, thus: a hearty moustache.
- Originally named Mr. Video and also Jumpman in the Donkey Kong Arcade series, Mario finally got his name from a fluke. Having difficulty covering the costs of operating out of both Japan and the US, the Nintendo of America offices got a visit from their landlord, Mario Segale (See where this is going?). Segale was upset over late rent payments, an argument took place, and after some grovelling, pleading, and most probably a scarring number of sexual favors, Segale let them stay. They opted to re-name Mr. Video to Mario, after him.
- The Mario series alone (games that specifically star Mario) have sold nearly 200 million units. To put that in perspective, that means that, on average, every game he's starred in has sold over a million units.
A Little More History on Hardware Add-Ons and Peripherals
Though we've documented a few of the more notable peripherals, there are plenty more where that came from.
Nintendo Entertainment System (1985)
- Arkanoid Controller - For it's only game Arkanoid. Which by the way, was perfectly playable with a normal controller.
- Konami Laser Scope - Voice activated head gear made specifically for Konami's game Laser Invasion, although it could be used with any NES Zapper game. Y'know, just in case you needed some help losing the respect of the Duck Hunt dog or Hogan and his entire alley.
- Zapper - Originally released in gray, the color was soon changed to orange because it too much resembled a real weapon. Of course if you want to get really out of hand, you can go to Japan and get the exclusive revolver edition of the Zapper.
- Speedboard - Endorsed by NASCAR driver Kyle Petty, this gem of a product was designed to allow you the best precision and speed while using your controller. Here's how it worked: Simply put the Speedboard on the floor, and lock the controller into it. Yep. It's a piece of plastic that holds your controller in place while you push the buttons with your fingers.
- R.O.B. - The Robotic Operating Buddy. R.O.B. was a battery operated robot that could substitute as a second player in NES games. R.O.B. was an educational aid as well: He taught children all over the world how to spell "crushing loneliness."
Super Nintendo (1991)
- SNES Mouse - Great for playing games that weren't really games, a la Super Mario: Paint and Mario's Early Years: Fun with Numbers. It taught children all over the world a valuable lesson: You can't use a mouse on shag carpeting.
- Super Scope - Unlike the original NES Zapper in almost every way, the Super Scope looked and was held more like something you'd use to take down police helicopters. Man, isn't that just like kids? You give 'em a pistol and they scream for a bazooka.
Nintendo 64 (1996)
- Voice Recognition Unit - Commonly referred to as the VRU, this hardware was used to interpret voice commands with the help of a microphone. However, the only game that utilized the VRU in the U.S. was Hey You Pikachu!. To add to it's uselessness, the device was designed to interpret only the voices of young children, meaning if you were an adult and you wanted to use it, you either had to adopt a humiliating falsetto, or buy a van and some candy.
Nintendo Invades Everything Else
Nintendo quickly grew bored with video games, and tried to take over every other aspect of the world, with often hilariously failed results.
Nintendo: "Eat all who oppose you."
In 1988 Nintendo released the Nintendo Fun Club magazine (Now known as Nintendo Power). In that same year Ralston Cereals put out a cereal known as the Nintendo Cereal System, featuring Mario and Zelda and, judging by that copy up there, apparently advocating for cannibalism when all else fails.
Three years later The Super Mario Bros. Super Show! made it's debut in America as the first Super Mario based television show. The showed aired from September 1991 to August 1994. Forever besmirching the otherwise dignified career of Capt. Lou Albano.
In 1993 the Mario bros. and video games as a whole, saw their first appearance on the big screen, with a movie titled none other than, Super Mario Bros. Forever besmirching the otherwise dignified careers of Dennis Hopper, Bob Hoskins and uh....John Leguizamo.
As a thank you for staying all the way to the end: Here's a moderately attractive girl doing something both erotic and thematically related, for reasons that are unclear to everybody.