Highlander

The opening narration tells us that:

From the dawn of time we came, moving silently down through the centuries. Living many secret lives, struggling to reach the time of the gathering, when the few who remain will battle to the last. No one has ever known we were among you.....until now.

Highlander is the story of Connor Macleod, who was born in the year 1518 "in the village of Glenfinnan on the shores of Loch Shiel." He is played by Christopher Lambert (a Frenchman) who had only recently learned to speak English. It's noticeable.

Frenchie.

In 1536, during a clan battle, Connor is seemingly killed by a gigantic warrior known only as The Kurgan. However, Connor is up & walking the very next day, leading his fellow clan members to (as people in the 16th century are wont to do) declare him to be a witch and run him out of the village. Five years later, Connor is living in a new village and is happily married (apparently, news didn't travel that fast in Scotland). Then one day he is visited by a Spaniard: Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez.

WTF?

Yes, that's Sean Connery. Give it a few minutes to sink in.

Ready? Ramirez explains to Macleod that they are part of a race of immortals. They are immune to disease and old age, and cannot be killed by conventional methods. The only way to end an Immortal's life is via decapitation. When you kill an Immortal, you absorb his lifeforce in a spectacular lightning show, kinda like in Mega Man. As if he hadn't blown Macleod's mind enough, Ramirez also happens to mention that he was born in the year 896 B.C. In Egypt.

Just to recap, we have a Frenchman playing a Scot, and a Scot playing an Egyptian who has been passing himself off as a Spaniard.

Ramirez also attempts to explain to Macleod that Immortals cannot produce offspring, and cautions him that the pain of having to outlive a loved one (over and over again) is too great and that he should just leave his wife now. Connor, however, thinks he can handle it.

Over the course of a training montage, we learn that Immortals are drawn to each other by primal instinct. Their only rule is that they will not fight on holy ground (any spot where people worship god, not just those of a specific religion). When they meet, more often than not, they will do battle. When you kill an Immortal, you gain his power. This will continue until there are only a few Immortals left, at which time they will meet at The Gathering for a final battle. The last man standing will claim "The Prize," the gift of ultimate power. The warrior who had nearly killed Macleod earlier, The Kurgan, is also an Immortal and if he wins The Prize, the mortal world will be at his mercy. We aren't given any kind of time frame, so we can only assume that training a man for eternal combat is no different than training him to become a Jedi knight. (See Cracked's "8 Classic Movies That Got Away with Gaping Plot Holes.")

One day while Connor is out doing whatever, The Kurgan returns. Ramirez is able to slit his throat, but that of course does little to stop him. The Kurgan decapitates Ramirez, and then proceeds to rape Macleod's wife.

Then we get about 15 minutes of Connor and his wife (who never bothered to tell him that his arch-nemesis raped her) growing old together and telling them they lover each other. She dies, and we skip ahead 400 years to the action.

While he is enjoying a wrestling match featuring The High Flyers & The Tonga Kid versus The Fabulous Freebirds at Madison Square Garden, Connor feels "The Quickening," the primal instinct that alerts him to the presence of another Immortal and compels him to fight. They do battle in the parking lot, and Macleod easily claims his opponent's head. The Kurgan has also made his way to New York City, and has likewise eliminated another Immortal from The Game. The NYPD believes the deaths are linked (two decapitations in two days? what tipped them off?) and assign one of the forensic scientists (your essential 80s "brainy, but still kinda hot" girl) to trace the origin of the sword that belonged to Macleod's opponent. She takes it to an antiques dealer, who also happens to be Connor. Setting the modern standard of having the lab techs do the jobs of regular police officers, she tails Macleod because the police now suspect he is their supposed serial murderer. It is during this time that they are attacked by The Kurgan, who brags about having his way with Connor's woman nearley half a millenium ago. They are interrupted by the police, and are forced to flee (Why? It's not like the guns are going to do anything.). Back at his place, Connor explains the story of the Immortals to the Hot Scientist. Finding his story to be 100% believable, she falls in love with him.

The next day, Connor & The Kurgan meet up at a Cathedral. The Kurgan has recently slain the only other remaining Immortal, and it is now time for The Gathering. Connor agrees to meet him in combat later, but asks that he leaves him and his new girlfriend alone until then. Of course, The Kurgan immediately kidnaps whats-her-name. With her screaming in the back of his car, he speeds across the city while singing in his very deep, very raspy voice "New York, New York."

What a lovely singing voice he must have.

You know, he sounds kinda familiar. Maybe that's because the actor playing The Kurgan (Clancy Brown) went on to do a lot of voice-over work, most notably...

GIMME THE PRIZE!!

Holding her hostage atop a hockey arena, The Kurgan is finally able to force Connor into combat. At first, it appears The Kurgan has the upper hand. No, scratch that: He's absolutely kicking Macleod's ass. It isn't until the Hot Scientist is able to hit him over the head with a lead pipe that The Kurgan is distracted long enough for Connor to take his head. That's right, our hero triumphs thanks to dumb luck.

Connor is overwhelmed with the energy of the universe, proudly declaring "I know everything! I AM EVERYTHING!" Apparently, someone else already had dibs on "I have the power!" Faced with the ability to do anything, Connor makes the obvious decision, and uses his now unlimited power to... turn himself mortal and be able to have children. The final shot is of them returning to Scotland, where they proceed to make love on the exact same spot where we saw him bury his original wife. Well, maybe immortality isn't all it's cracked up to be.

So how did they follow up this incredibly badass movie? It was surely going to be difficult, considering every other Immortal is dead and Macleod abandoned The Prize of limitless power. But with some dedicated writers, surely they could give us the next Empire Strikes Back (or at least the next Return of the Jedi).

Oh, fuck me...

Highlander II: The Quickening is almost universally recognized, along with Battlefield Earth, Howard the Duck, Jaws: The Revenge, and Plan 9 from Outer Space, as one of the absolute worst pieces of shit ever put to celluloid. Imagine if Ed Wood were alive, and he was given a budget a hundred times greater than anything he ever had before (even after inflation). Then you would have somewhat of an idea on how bad this film is.

We keep the swords, but not the sorcery. You see, a century has passed and Connor Macleod has not aged a day. Now, a sensible filmmaker could've easily explained that The Kurgan was not the last of the Immortals, and that The Game was not yet over. We are not granted that luxury. Instead, we learn that the Immortals were not supernatural beings, but the descendants of aliens from Planet Zeist. What's worse, the director decides to take a page from Steve Seagal's book and tries to throw in some environmentalism. This was around the time that scientists first started noticing the hole in the ozone layer, so it becomes a major plot point. All the science particles, or rays, or some shit like that are flooding the Earth killing off humans at an alarming rate, including the chick Connor fought to save in the last one. As she dies in his arm, he actually promises to fix the hole in the ozone layer. Oh and for some reason, the science particles (or rays, or some shit like that) have also revived Ramiriez, so we get Sean Connery back in all his red velvet, peacock-feather-cape wearing glory.

We missed you.

As it turns out, the aliens from Planet Zeist, led by General Katana (you can't make this shit up) are working with your typical 80s-movie "big corporation" to destroy the ozone layer, as that has always been the only thing stopping them from invading the Earth. The C.E.O. of the Shield Corporation (which of course has been masquerading as attempting to fix the hole) is your typical 80s-movie "sleazy executive," and is played by none other than... Dr. Perry Cox.

What an asshole.

John C. McGinley apparently thought that deepening his voice would make him sound more like his hero, Orson Welles, and thus make his character more intimidating. It didn't work as well as he had hoped.

The Quickening is to Highlander fans what The Quest for Peace is to Superman fans: to them, it just... never... happened.

The distributors, Dimension Films, immediately decided to Superman Returns that shit, and treat the next film as the "true" sequel to the original film. Unfortunately, what we got was about on the same level of quality as Superman Returns.

Highlander III: The Final Dimension fills the gap in-between the death of Connor's first wife until the time of The Gathering against The Kurgan. He first begins to travel the world, eventually reaching Japan. There he meets Ramirez' mentor, a sorcerer named Nakano. If Ramirez was Obi-Wan Kenobi, than Nakano is Yoda. However, another immortal has also tracked down Nakano, Kane, who is very anxious to do some pillaging. Kane is played by Melvin van Peebles, who you probably remember as the Jamaican guy (not really) in Jaws: The Revenge.

Actual Screenshot

What you probably don't remember about Mario van Peebles is that his first movie role was being filmed having live sex with an actual prostitute by his father, black militant Melvin van Peebles, for his film Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song, the original blaxploitation film.
Oh, and he was also in The Hebrew Hammer

ANYWAYS...
Kane wastes Nakano, but the energy unleashed by The Quickening (when an Immortal absorbs his fallen opponent's energy) causes the cave they were in to collapse. 400 years later, an archaeological dig unearths Kane who immediately sets off for New York.

Now granted, compared to The Quickening, almost anything is bareable. But even so, The Final Dimension barely is able to vault over the incredibly low-set bar.

Highlander: The Series

Realising what a corner they had backed themselves in, the next way to save the franchise was with it's own tv series. This time it is told from the perspective of Duncan McLeod (Adrian Paul), one of Connor's fellow clansmen from back in the day. What are the odds of two demi-gods being born in the same village at the same time? Despite being a thinly veiled recycling of stories from Hercules and Xenia, the show was surprisingly popular and managed to stay on the air for 6 seasons. To aid in the continuity, the next film was given the Star Trek: Generations treatment by starring both Lambert and Paul as their iconic characters. Highlander: Endgame once again introduces an all-powerful villain that was previously unmentioned in any prior incarnation. The role of the villain, Father Jacob Kell, was originally offered to both Billy Idol and JCVD, so keep that in mind when you're watching this crapfest. Like The Final Dimension, it barely surpassed it's predecessor with mixed reviews (mostly negative), holding a 12% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. This was the last of the films to be released in theatres.