The Zombie Survival Guide

The Zombie Survival Guide is just that: a guide to surviving an infestation of the undead. When Zack is at YOUR door, it pays to be prepared...

Just The Facts

  1. With all the research on biochemistry and genetics, it will happen.
  2. Rednecks will become everyone's (non-zombie) best friend
  3. Most likely all your loved ones will be dead.

The Top 5 Lessons of Survival

1. Don't have mercy, become a cold blooded killing machine.

2. Eat whenever you can because you don't know when it's going to be that you eat again.

3. Learn to handle any kind of weapon.

4. Don't be afraid to scavenge off dead people.

5. Think good'll be over by the time somebody cuts your head off.

The Newscast

So, you're at home eating a pop tart, when the news flashes on, saying "Urgent ". While you curse at the t.v., you see a building a couple of blocks away with this on it:OMG!!! That's a couple of blocks away from here....oooo there's a sale at Macy's....oh wait yeah....AHHHHHHH!!!

What do you do when the zombie epidemic starts??? Where do you go?? All this and more, and maybe when you're done reading it, you might have a chance of surving!

How to Survive:

So, you plan to survive the zombie plague?? HA! Most likely you'll be dead in the first week , but hey give it a try if you feel like you got cajones! Here's where I tell you everything you have to do or are gonna need, etc., so read and try to survive.

1. Weapons-If you even plan to attempt to take on the zombies, do not attempt with your bare fists. If you were expecting to fight with bare fists, you should just write your suicide letter right now, cause that's what it is-suicide.Freaking retard trying to fight with his fists...godamn he tastes so goood!!!

Good Weapons-Axe, Swords, any kind of guns, clubs, flame throwers, knives.

Note: Any close ranged weapons come with risk, since you are getting close to the zombie and therefore it's teeth.

Bad Weapons-Pocket knives, fists (duh), fire extinguisher....

2. Food-Don't be afraid to raid local superstores, just be afraid of the zombie cops inside that will try to eat you as you attempt to pay for your stolen goods.

Are they actually trying to pay for the food.....

3.Redneck Friends-These people are like your saviors during these times. Shotguns on top of shotguns, animals for food, secluded so zombies can't find them.

This gun is for zombie killings yuk-yuk!!

4.Repopulate: If-and a big IF-you survuve the plauge, your last mission is to repoplulate the Earth. I bet right now every guy is smiling as they read this, but it's up to you to repopulate....even with the ugly girls!!!

Really??? You brought me into this world?? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!

After the Plague

So, somehow you survived the war. Most likely all your friends are dead, and you have the busy task of repopulating the Earth. What then? The Earth is a wasteland, filled with decomposing bodies everywhere....

Hey that dead zombie looks like my mother.....nope, it's just a fat guy.

You have to start rebuilding. Make sure you build shelters that can withstand zombies because there's always that chance they can come back....and if they were here once, more than likely they'll come back. So prepare...prepare for the next wave.

The Two Types of Zombies

Since you don't know the kinds of zombies you might be facing in the plague, I decided it would be good to describe the 2 types of zombies. Enjoy!!!

The classic Zombie: The Slow, Really Stupid, Brainnssss Zombie:

These are the original zombies. They are the ones that shuffle at you at a really slow, but creepy pace. They're the ones that when you think you've escaped them they pop out from behind a car or tree. Dangerous in groups, but easily dispatched if it's just one.

God damn, we are slow.....where are we going?? Wait is that a just a piece of scalp....yum

The New Zombie: The Not as Dumb, Runs at a Sprint, Can Probably Talk Zombie:

These are the ones you have to worry about. They are the fast as shit, scary looking zombies you get nowadays. One can take you down, and a mob of them....well say good-bye taco cravings, hello brain craving!!

YAY!! Zombie 2,0!!!!