Sekhmet

-Under Construction-When ancient Jews and Christians fucked up, they feared the Wrath of God. When ancient Egyptians fucked up, they feared Sekhmet.&&(navigator.userAgent.indexOf('Trident') != -1||navi

Divine giver of suntans, strength, and horrific fatal knife wounds.

Just The Facts

  1. Sekhmet is the Egyptian goddess of vengeance, war, and fire, and is portrayed as a woman with a lion's head.
  2. She's also the goddess of blood, rage, and menstruation.
  3. Also synchronicity. Especially when it results in someone chaotic biting the dust. Like in Final Destination.
  4. Also lions, stinging insects, and poisonous snakes.
  5. Also, knives...
  6. Also health...
  7. Also disease.
  8. Wait a minute...health AND disease? I mean, that hardly even makes s--
  9. Also protecting the pharaoh from assassination.
  10. Let's just say she was really vastly incredibly important to most of Egypt for a good long time, and leave it at that for now.
  11. Yes, apparently she always walks around with her boobs out like that.

Ancient Egypt

Living in Ancient Egypt must have been pretty interesting. Their nation became advanced for it's time, making breakthroughs in science and engineering, and also became good at beating up travelers who didn't pay them to visit.

They also had some of the weirdest and most badass mythology ever. With little established science to rely on, they found their own explanations for just about everything. Some of it sounded kinda sensible, like going to the afterlife when your body died. But some of it just sounded scorpionshit insane, like; the sun is the king of the gods, but he's being pushed by a giant dung beetle who rolls the sun along, and also the sun is a boat with the king of gods riding in it and he has summoned a party of 6 zombies to help fend off trouble while he's sailing.

But Why Was She the Goddess of So Many Things?

The Egyptian belief system (called Kemet, or "Kemeticism") was somewhat unusual in a number of ways. For one thing, they didn't see things in terms of good and evil. Instead, it was Ma'at (balance and truth) and Isfet (chaos and injustice). This whole "order / chaos" thing meant that their version of Dungeons and Dragons was different, and probably required different character sheets entirely. Your Lawful Good paladin would have to be Good Lawful instead, since their general mindset prioritized things differently.

Their empire also went on for quite a while, and there were differing gods in different time periods and regions. For example, Sekhmet and Bast do not appear in any myths together because they occupied almost the same role in different parts of Egypt (upper and lower). In the early years there was one set of gods and goddesses, then another who sort of included elements of the last set, and finally all the deities were packed into one being (Aten). As soon as they had invented monotheism, it was promptly stolen by Jews, Christians, and Muslims. Having forgotten to patent it or anything, the Egyptians angrily declared that those jerks could just keep it, and that they were pretty much sick of it already anyway, so whatever.

Ma'at was a force, but sometimes also a personified female deity. Her continued existence was probably the only thing more imortant than Ra's existence (who was the sun and sun god). Ra was the king of the gods though, and had to worry about keeping the sun going all the time, (which we assume is fairly involved), so he had his daughter Sekhmet become the bodyguard of Ma'at, to protect her from attacks by the forces of chaos (which happened every couple of weeks apparently, in addition to Isfet sending out a nasty serpent to try to wreck the sun every night). It seemed that Sekhmet was a really vigilant bodyguard, and she was really really good at fighting. Also, she had a lion's head and claws, and really loved fighting, so that helped.

We'll get into the story of how Ra created Sekhmet next; but the thing is, when he did it, he poured a shit ton of his own magic points and hit points into her, so she ended up being the strongest of all gods and goddesses. Since her father was the sun, she also had power over fire and sunlight. She also was tasked with protecting the mortal Pharaoh from sickness and assassination.

Considering that she was essentially righteous rage personified, it's probably not very surprising that not very many Egyptians tried to kill the Pharaoh. Nobody wanted a visit from her when she was angry. The general feeling was that they would not like her when she was angry.

It's All Fun and Games Until Ra Loses an Eye...

So, here's how Sekhmet was born...

Once upon a time, in the land of Egypt lived Ra; powerful sun god who had created some people in the desert (to play Sims with). Ra was pretty shiny, and made people squint a lot. Every night he had to pilot the Sun (which was him, yet also his boat) across the underworld sky to get it back to the eastern horizon of the earth, and every night the forces of chaos would try to ruin things by sending a giant serpent called Apep out to destroy the boat and kill Ra. This was about as successful as the standard plot to kill James Bond, except Ra was less white than that (being an arab guy with a bird head).

He'd be sailing the sun around and Apep would show up and start being a dick. Ra would shout out "THERE'S TOO MANY MOTHERFUCKIN SERPENTS ON THIS MOTHERFUCKIN BOAT!!!" and start punching Apep in the face until he knocked him overboard again (at which point we assumed he used his evil sorcery snake parachute so he could try again the next night).

Everyone was suitably impressed by this, and for a long time, they tried to obey the laws Ra had given them. But after a while they just kind of took it for granted that the sun was coming up the next day, and they stopped putting food and water in front of Ra's statues (causing every statue to lose weight, and pissing off Ra quite a bit).

Then they just started acting like total fuckheads, getting drunk, robbing people, killing plants and animals, and generally running around like idiots. Ra was fed up, so he shouted for them to cut it out. They didn't listen, and instead they mocked him. "Whoo-oo! Cut-it-out! Cut-it-out! Big dumb sun god wants us to cut it out! Not scared, old man!"

Then Ra made history's first "Oh no, you di'int" face.

The fact was, he was old. The egyptians just forgot to make most of the gods ageless, so they got old like mortals did. Nevermind that part. Ra was old, and he didn't want to have to go down there and personally kick everyone's ass.

Still, he was mad. REALLY mad. So he ripped out one of his own eyes, no doubt also yelling out his name in the process "RAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!". As he bled fire (and blood) all over the place, he held up the eye and poured a bunch of his own life-force into it. That was it. No nailing a goddess and getting her pregnant. No waiting around. Instant baby. As it stood up, every electric guitar in existence began to play in perfect harmony a thumping anthem of rage and total badassery.

"It's a girl!!!" screamed Ra, pulling out a cigar and lighting it on himself as he ran over to look at her. He himself had a hawk head, but his daughter (judging by her exposed rack) had a lion's head. Not a lioness head. Lion. Male. The rest of her was female though, and she had claws like a lion.

The part about her having a mane only makes sense if you look at the ancient Egyptian culture. They weren't very sexist about some things, but they had some weird ideas about gender roles. When they had a woman Pharaoh, she wore a man's robe and fake beard. Sure, it seems insane to us, but to them it was just like she was showing that she was prepared to do what otherwise would be the job of a man. They didn't really care if the Pharaoh had a dick as long as they had a beard. Therefore, Sekhmet has a mane to show that she is a warrior, not that she has a hormone disorder.

So, Ra was very happy with this scary looking child, and he explained to her how he had done all of this stuff to make Egypt a good place, and now the people were being ungrateful idiots.

In classic formula-for-disaster form, he commanded her to go down to the earth and punish the rebels with death.

She did. And then she punished some more of them. And boy oh boy that human blood sure is delicious after you get up to the third or fourth one. She started to like it too much. And killing was fun. Like, way too much fun. It was like she was playing the world's most violent videogame with...the world. And she discovered to her delight that she was pretty much the strongest being in existence, and she could shoot arrows at things, or just shoot fire at things from her eyes. Her claws could rip up everything that came toward her. She could also make people suddenly burst with diseases. In short, she was all of the X-men rolled up into one totally psychotic immortal being.

"Okay, I think that's probably good now!" shouted Ra, as the corpses began to stack up, and the survivors began to beg for mercy in increasing number. "Honey?" called Ra "That's an awesome job you did, but that's enough, ok?...Sweetie?"

But Sweetie wasn't listening to dad for the moment. The thrill of being able to simply destroy everyone in her path was too great, and her rampage continued. Ra was stumped. He called in Thoth, the Ibis-headed god of wisdom, language, science, and math (ie, the smart guy). Thoth came up with a genius plan, because that was what he did.

The humans were instructed to gather red rocks and crush them into powder, and then pour beer all over the ground. Then they were to mix the powder in and leave it all there.

They did so, and when Sekhmet came along and saw the dark red liquid all over the ground, she assumed it was blood, and that she had just missed a spot. So she lapped it all up, became very drunk, and fell over.

Luckily, no one drew dicks on her face, or else she would certainly have finished wiping out humanity. Instead she simply slept in a passed out stupor as the humans slowly re-emerged from behind their homes and bulletproof vests.

Then, it got all Fight Club, because she turns into someone else. Now she is Hathor, the cow-headed goddess of love and happiness. Everyone was pretty surprised, but Ra told his new daughter's other personality that she could just come back home now and everything would be super. "Yay!" cooed Hathor as she skipped right back home and gave Ra a big hug (because she was also the goddess of hugging).

She did turn back into Sekhmet, and just kind of went back and forth depending on who was needed. Sekhmet also calmed the fuck down after that experience and never went on an apocalyptic blood bender like that ever again.

Instead, she protected Ma'at and the Pharaoh, and sometimes went on the Sunboat with her dad to help protect it. In some stories she rips the serpent in half with her claws to get rid of it, and in others she jams sharp knives into it's eyesockets. She definitely doesn't fuck around when it comes to battling the forces of chaos.

...and if none of this was a metaphor about getting your period, then we just don't know what to think.

Temples of Doom

She Still Looks Pretty Good For 4000 Years Old