He-Man and the Masters of the Universe

As great as He-Man is I think he can use a little help being a man's man.

He-Man is always a hit at ComiCon

You know you're a little fruity when you make Batman look this gay.

Add a furry loincloth and boots and ta-da He-Man.

Just The Facts

  1. He-Man has the hair of a middle-aged lesbian.
  2. He surrounds himself with people whose names sound like the cast of a demented gay porno.
  3. He dresses like a submissive sex slave.

Terrible lesbian hair

I know that I don't have the best looking hair around, as a matter of fact it usually looks like I let my retarded neighbor Jimmy use a weedwacker to cut my hair.  That being said, at least my rat's nest hairdo resembles a man's haircut.  As I researched this article (i.e. drank Captain Morgan) I realized that I had seen Prince Adam/He-Man's hairstyle before.  It took me about three more drinks but eventually it came to me, it was the same exact haircut the female Volleyball coach of my high school had.  I don't know if it's a shaggy mullet or just some weird hybrid girls hairstyle with bangs but whatever it is, it's got to go.

Friends with (no) benefits

Ram-Man, Man-at-Arms, Extendar, Fisto.  These are some of He-Man's most trusted friends and allies.  The first time I read these I thought I had accidentally stumbled onto a web-site advertising sex toys aimed specifically for gay men who are into a little rough play.  But, after a very disappointing minute, I realized that I was in a He-Man chat room.  Even their powers suggest a certain level of homoeroticism, I mean Ram-Man, seriously, your power is that you can slam into things with you "shiny helmet"?  My favorite though is extendar who, according to wikipedia is a "Master of Extension."  I don't know about you but to me it sounds as if he's a giant metal dong, I'm just saying.  I think He-Man's best bet is to get rid of all these characters and recruit new allies, one's with badass names like Azz Kikker and Rainier Bloodmaker.

Update the clothing

If watching biker movies has taught me anything it's this.  Nothing is more manly than leather....I may have spoken too soon.  There is a fine line between biker tough and submissive sex slave.  He-Man is so far over that line he'd have to take a flight with three connections just to see the line again.  I don't care how massively muscled and greased up you are, it is a proven fact that it is impossible to look tough wearing a leather harness as a guy.  Girls can pull it off, Aeon Flux style, but men, never, don't even try it.  Not only does the outfit offer little to no protection against other weapons it also provides no protection against the weather, making it the least useful superhero costume ever, I mean, even Wonder Woman had those metal bracelets she could block bulltets with.  An updated wardrobe would go a long way towards making He-Man more of a man's man.