Hello Kitty

Hello Kitty: Cute? Yes. Fucking scary? Also yes.

Just The Facts

  1. Hello Kitty products have grossed over 100 billion dollars through merchandising, (and drug trafficking).
  2. There is literally a HK version of everything. Lawnmowers, condom holders, tasers.. EVERYTHING.
  3. Hello Kitty eats souls.

Hello Kitty: The Beginning

Hello Kitty's career launched in 1974, when her bleak, souless face was made into a vinyl coin purse. Released in Japan, this mildly disturbing accessory grossed 1 billion dollars in the first year alone, at which point it became quite clear to Sanrio, the company that birthed the infamous "HK" (also the Evil Lair for the Legion of Doom), that Hello Kitty could go far in the cutesy, anime-loving, sexually perverted culture of Japan. 

Hello Methy! One of Hello Kitty's least successful spin-offs.

Hello Methy! One of Hello Kitty's least successful spin-offs.

Sanrio produced an extensive line of HK products, ranging anywhere from pencils, to kitchen appliances, to automobiles, and Japan completely ate it up.In 1984, Sanrio introduced it's first Hello Kitty TV program titled, I fucking kid you not, Hello Kitty: Furry Tale Theater. Needless to say, this show became more popular in Japan than breathing, and soon spread to all of Asia, where it was accepted with an equal amount of enthusiasm. After HK took Asia and made it her bitch, Hello Kitty was released in America... Where it failed, epicly. The President of Sanrio, (also known as: Beelzebub) was not going to take no for an answer. Over the years, over thirty HK video games were released in America, as well as twelve TV series', none of which made it more than one season.

The Dark Side of HK.

Hello Kitty has developed quite the cult following in the past three decades, between your average angsty emo boy girl, and just about every loli girl in Japan, HK has made a killing. (you'll understand that pun in a minute.) Out of all of the closet homosexuals and small children, however, has grown a dark, more sinister fanbase. For example: 

"Do it for Satan!"

 

The Hello Kitty Murder: One night, a nightclub hostess, Fan Man-yee, was abducted by three men, 34-year-old Chan Man-lok, 27-year-old Leung Shing-cho, and 21-year-old Leung Wai-lun. They took Fan back to their apartment, where they beat/tortured her for over a month. They eventually killed and dismembered her, and then stuffed her head into a Hello Kitty doll, as she demanded a human sacrifice. The murderers were caught only because one of the kidnappers 14-year-old girlfriend (go ahead and scroll back up to see the ages of the men.) reported to the police that she was being haunted.

Cheif of Police in Thailand

 

Hello Kitty Public Humiliation: As of August 2007, Thai police are to be punished for minor crimes by public humiliation. What horrible, gut-wrenching public humiliation did the Thai government come up with? Hello Kitty armbands. Anti-climactic, I know, but still.. Thai police officers caught committing minor offenses were sentenced to two weeks of wearing a Hello Kitty armband. 

Tastes like babies and semen!

 

Hello Kitty Hell: Imagine marrying someone, and then finding out that they are obsessed with Hello Kitty. Not just obsessed, fucking over the top, batshit insane for it. She pulls up to your house in her Hello Kitty car, towing her Hello Kitty camper behind her. She brings 700+ HK items into your man-lair, and fills your fridge with Hello Kitty beer. (I shit you not, it exists.) I know what you're thinking: tell the bitch what's what. Well, you could do that, but then she'd leave you fully erect alone on the sofa, to sleep with the HK sleeping bag. This is a reality for one brave, brave man, who probably only hasn't divorced the bitch because that Hello Kitty shit is worth a fortune (over 10 million dollars), and he's hoping she'll get hit by a bus.

"Let me treat your flesh wounds!"

Hello Kitty Infirmary: So you're chilling out in Japan, when all of a sudden: Holy shit dude, you just cut your hand off. I know what you're thinking- "How in the fuck could this get any worse?! I won't be able to eat chicken!"  or "All the guys at the office are going to call me Stumpy!" Never fear, because it can get worse. The ambulance pulls up to the hospital, and sirens immediately go off in your head. You think to yourself "Why is everything pink?" You are moved into the ER, all the while drifting in and out of conciousness, sure that you are imagining the Hello Kitty scrubs on all the nurses. When you wake up, all better, and look down at your nub, you see: Hello Kitty blankets, Hello Kitty bandages, and you yourself are wearing a Hello Kitty hospital gown. You didn't die and go to hell, you are in the HK infirmary. One of Japan's most popular hospitals, due to the "soothing" nature of it, everything is HK themed, from the wallpaper, to the bedpans. 

Hello Kitty will one day rule the World.

Are you at all familiar with the ambassador of Japanese Tourism? No, you say? I think you are. The ambassador of Japaneses Tourism (yes, that is an actual title, once held by someone OTHER than a fictional character) is Hello fucking Kitty. I can't imagine how meetings held for the Japanese Board of Tourism work, but I'd bet it involves a Ouija board and several aborted fetuses.

"Give me your first borns!"

Hello Kitty is steadily climbing in popularity, and the world can only await it's first Hello Kitty related mass-suicide. I can only say to you, Cracked reader, good luck, and godspeed. The great Hello Kitty God will undoubtedly treat you cruelly and without mercy, leaving nothing but rainbows and flowers in it's wake.