Twilight(how The Article Should Be Done)

I've decided to put together unsent letters for some of the "Twilight" characters.

What Bella Swan really looks like.

Thirteen-year-old girls have reached a new low.

Just The Facts

  1. Stephenie Meyer was signed by the same people who signed Janet Fitch. Janet Fitch, damn it.
  2. Edward stands in the sunlight, begins to sparkle, and says, "This is the skin of a killer."
  3. You do not learn what Bella's hair and eye color are until page 230-something in the 1st book.
  4. Jacob is only attracted to Bella because of one of the eggs in her ovary.

Dear Bella

You might be interesting if someone were to set you on fire. Little, Brown & Co. made a bigger mistake in thinking you should be shared with the world than Shay Carl the YouTube celebrity makes in having his children in the car while he drives and films himself doing it simultaneously. If you had gone the entire first chapter ablaze, then took the rest of the book as a recovery from the damage, I'd feel something for your story besides murderous rage. I despise what your life represents in regards to the female gender. That rather useless, sparkly boyfriend destroys part of your car just to keep it from driving you to see that boy who turns wolf whenever he wants to, named Jacob. You know, the guy who forces himself on you just for a kiss; Also known as the only friend you have besides Edward and his family.

I can just picture the moment when Edward first told you that he loved you. Your young face, only describable in Meyer's mind, having been the mirror for seventeen years of bland acceptance, suddenly displaying great surprise.You should be surprised, seeing as Edward is only into you because of your smell and incredibly boring, submissive personality.

Multiple times, you practically attempt suicide just to see your boyfriend after he dumps you. You have such excellent taste that I think you rival Kim Kardashian and Jean-Claude Van Damme for good decision making. You'd be a very poor example for young girls if they cared much about you.

If anyone does decide to try to kill you or at least entertain themselves, I'd like them to call me. I'll be the one with the lighter fluid.

very, very sincerely,


Dear Emmett

I heard that eventually, in the books, you fight a big, intimidating, hairy secret. Well, okay, it's not a secret at all; it's...more of a bear.



Dear Edward

I don't know exactly what's wrong you, but can't help wondering if it's a mental illness you somehow carried into your vampire existence. If that's not it, then please do explain your attraction to a bland, seventeen-year-old afraid of blood who happens to also be horrifically obsessed with you. Perhaps she has duped you with a blackmail scheme, thanks to her knowledge that you, the articulate vampire, knitted sweaters as gifts for your family members at least once, which makes you a My Little Pony reject with fangs. You make Andy Dick look butch. I would rather spend my entire day vomiting than read anything of Twilight again.

Have you seen or tasted the New Moon Ice/Heat candy hearts? The boxes say things like"Intense Wave of Cold" on your box, and Jacob's have flavors called "hotter than apple pie" and "steamy chocolate". I am not kidding. If I set my eyes on them one more time, I'll either laugh or dig my eyes out with a plastic spoon.

At one point in the story, you step into the sunlight, allowing your very flesh to sparkle like a diamond before saying, "This is the skin of a killer". Was that scene meant to be taken seriously?

Also, Edward, quit this game of distance, trying to keep Bella safe and all that B.S., because you know that literally her entire life---her very psychological well-being---all revolve around you. She'd brave the movie JCVD or a party at Michael Vick's house if it meant she could see you again, and I don'y see how that's okay, especially when you have as much vivacity as a pet rock, you sodding lunatic. By the way, I say lunatic because you're immortal and have decided to spend most of your life going to high school, to which I say what the hell are you thinking? Why not travel or be an art thief or join a gang? I'd like to see the latter, actually; I could use that laugh. Anyway, there are countless things one could do if they're eternally a teenager, but you chose to read and knit and do homework for centuries, then settle for a ridiculously needy wimp of a seventeen-year-old girl.

You stayed a virgin for all that time, only to choose her. Stick that in your Volvo and suck it.

You're stupid.

Sincerely sick of you,


Dear Rosalie

You might be the best character in this series, but of course I would say that, since you're the one who has a problem with Bella. You're the closest to cool. I wish you'd had a much better author following you, because maybe then, you could develop into a badass.

truthfully yours,


Dear Carlisle

To quote a friend, how does compassion count as a superpower?

How did you get into this country? I mean, have you used some other vampire's magic to conjure up a passport and other things of that nature.

You seem nice, but I have nothing more to say to you, because I'm already bored.



Dear Alice

It's lucky for Edward and Bella that you like her, and it was so sweet of you to throw a birthday party in her honor, but...why? What about her is interesting or likable to you? She's beyond simple and belongs in the hopeless cream puff category. Does your friendship with her say something about your personality, hmm?

What happened to the pixie haircut?

Hey, I'm curious about something...Is Edward secretly anal about cleanliness and clothes-making? Does he pee himself a little at the sight of the car commercial he co-stars in?

Now I'm off to read books that aren't crap.

deeply ashamed of anyone supportive of this mess,