IPhone 4

Steve Jobs has done it again. He has managed to release another iPhone to the public. Is it worth it? Well if you are a porn addict...wait what? Let's just continue...

I have no idea what their talking about.

Just The Facts

  1. The iPhone 4 was released on June 24th, 2010
  2. The original iPhone was released in 2007
  3. The iPhone 4 is part of the next generation of phones known as"Handtops" (term coined by Riley Moses)

The Rundown

The iPhone 4 in some way has been the most anticipated smartphone in the history of smartphones. That statement right there is just downright odd. Apple is known for keeping many of its products on the DL, so other than apple's big convention, how could this phone be so hyped up before its announcement?


Good question...

Apple is a pimp, and the iPhone 4 is its bottom bitch. By having an employee "accidentally" leave the phone laying around and forgetting to go pick it up, that created buzz. The kind of buzz a pimp needs to gather enough faithful customers to stalk the bottom bitch long enough until they are finally allowed to give out overpriced handjobs.


It's hard out here for a pimp

Don't take that analogy to heart. The iPhone 4 isn't your everyday, run of the mill bottom bitch. This phone is a monster. This phone is a major step up from the previous iPhone models. With everything this phone has to offer, we're surprised this phone wasn't found on a bar stool in late 2009.

Cracked on: iPhone 4's Display

What the fuck?! This is ridiculous! Look at it:


Ok, so it's not that great, but it is pretty impressive. With a 3.5-inch LED backlit LCD screen with capacitive touch capabilities, this phone is rocking a god damn 960x640 display, which is fucking ridiculous. On top of that, the display has a contrast ratio of 800:1, which Apple calls "Retina Display." What is Retina Display? Retina Display is the revolution of how we view things. You may think you are fine with your phone now, but deep down, you really aren't. Retina Display, in a nutshell, makes images more crisp on screen. Zoom in on a nipple on any other phone and the nipple ends up looking like Patty Mayonaise. Zoom in on that very same nipple on the iPhone 4 and that nipple looks edible.



Steve Jobs is a smart man, but for some reason we have a feeling that the sole purpose of this screen is to enhance the mobile porn experience (because nobody gives a fuck about how crisp an 'a' looks when you pinch zoom-in 20 times). That being said, expect to see more apps out in the App Store with little pictures of Sasha Grey as their icons.

Cracked on: iPhone 4's Camera(s)

Mr. Jobs, the hell are you doing? Giving the camera a 5 MP camera is an insult. Many smartphones today do in fact come with a 5 MP camera, but the higher end models are rolling in with a whopping 8 MP. And to add insult to injury, the front facing camera (that's right, there are two cameras) contains a VGA camera. Many of you probably don't even know what a VGA camera is, and no, just because it contains 3 letters in front of the word "camera" as opposed to 1 number does not make it better.


You heard me!

Quick run down. VGA stands for Video Graphics Array. When those three words are combined to create the 3 letter abbreviation, the abbreviation is then completely synonymous with the word "shit." The VGA front facing camera's purpose is for FaceTime, which is video chat for the iPhone 4. It clearly cannot (and should not) be used for snapping photos of oneself. And if you are one of the few people who are actually considering trying to take a picture with this camera, please tell us where you live so that we can go to your house and chop you down right where you stand. Having the option to take a picture with a 5 MP camera or a VGA camera...you should always choose the option with megapixels. Any developer out there thinking about developing an app that takes photos with the VGA camera no longer deserves developer status.

Cracked on: iPhone 4's Accelerometer & Gyroscope

They've done it big here! Apple, you sneaky devil you! These two features are the future....well, when put together they are.


iPhone's got it too, bitch!

The iPhone is no stranger when it comes to the accelerometer. Hell, at this point, no phone is a stranger to this feature. Tilt, the screen tilts, tilt it once more, and to no avail, the screen readjusts so that you can still view it in an upright position. Big whoop. But with the combination of the gyroscope, the iPhone 4 now has a 6-axis tilt. With the added gyroscope and its combination with the accelerometer, this phone can now obtain values that tell how far and how fast it just moved in space, and also what direction it just moved in. What does all of that mean? That means the Japanese will stop developing stupid "Tickle-me-here-and-there" porn titles for the Nintendo DS, and will begin working on apps that will be just as graphic as the first "Horse on Blonde" video ever made.

Cracked on: iPhone 4. Porn Device?

Don't believe us? Think about it. Better screen, two cameras, and added now the added gyroscope. The apps create themselves at this point! Seriously, Apple is all about money, the porn industry is full of money...If you can't put two and two together at this point, then there's no hope for you. Just don't ask any questions when you find yourself in the backseat of your mother's car virtually "fisting" Carmen Electra on your iDevice.


Is it in yet?