The 8 Most Terrible Things About Americans (as Written By A Rabidly British Person)

The United States of America is an independent colony of the British Empire. A dreadful place, it is largely uninhabitable desert, and is populated by knuckle-dragging, swivel-eyed loons.

I had to put a picture so I put the Queen here

Just The Facts

  1. The United States of America have existed for several years
  2. Americans live there

8 - They are fat and create stereotypes about other nations

Americans are fat, and incredibly bigoted. When they aren't eating burgers the size of American cars (which are bigger than other cars) they are coming up with more sweeping generalisations regarding other nations. Quite a bit of which is untrue.

Typical American, probably saying something racist or xenophobic.

Their ignorance, stere

Seriously they just sit there and create stereotypes loosely based on that one foreign guy they once met at that one guy's one party. Hey look that Jamaican guy has a pineapple on his shirt. I bet all Jamaican people do this. Let's go tell every one of our findings.

7 - Their language is a horrendous bastardisation of a glorious tongue

Oscar Wilde once visited America and heard an American say "far", with the horribly over-pronounced "arrrrr" sound at the end like a developmentally disabled pirate. He died. They are that awful at speech.

The Above video notes that even in the classist, dangerously anti-British mindset of Professor Higgins, the American tongue was so distinct from the British tongue, that it was a separate language. And that was before they invented "Rapping" and things!

American English is distinct from English in that it is worse. They pronounce "herbs" as URBS, for no reason. They say "I could care less" rather than "I couldn't care less", thus saying the exact opposite of what they mean. They pronounce caterpillar "Cat-er-pill-ar". There is literally no language in the world more ridiculous than American "English", excluding the languages we did our utmost best to stamp out in the African continent that are composed of clicks and whistles and whatnot.

6 - Their sense of humor is vastly inferior to our sense of humour.

An exciting aspect of American culture is the notoriously stunted comic sense. For example, Americans are so unable to understand irony that they have to have a page on a comedy website dedicated to explaining what it means. Benny Hill, the pioneer of the "run around with silly music" genre of comedy, once said that America would one day collapse due to a drain of all the intellectuals to European countries where the jokes are slightly less childish.

The difference between humour and humor is best demonstrated by comparing comedians from either side of the Atlantic. For this comparison we will pick the comics Dane Cook (for the Americans) and Stewart Lee (for the Brits).

Dane Cook's jokes are regarded by Americans as the best jokes ever, and they universally worship him as a comedy god. The jokes consist of Mr. Cook shouting in an American voice for a while, and waving his arms around. This is HUMOR. Stewart Lee, however, uses subtlety, self-aware pastiche, and irony. This is HUMOUR. The two are entirely distinct and the same result would have been found if any of the American comics had been compared.

5 - They use meaningless, populist words to express political views (like hope and freedom) rather than sensible terms (like change, and future)

The 1st Amendment to the American Bill of Rights (which was what they jotted down to help them form some sort of government when they were kicked out of the British Empire), states:

"Every man has a right to freedom of speech, and hope, such that he might have freedom and hope for hope freedom hope hope freedom hope."

. . .Or something.

This repetitive linguistic structure is notable also in the speeches of American leaders. For example, in response to the American pipe that burst (and endangered British BP shareholders), President Barack Hussein Obama said:

"Have hope. Pipes burst, hope lives on"

Contrast this with the less populist and generally more grownup language of David Cameron:

"Pipes, like our futures, can be changed. Change the pipes, and change . . . for CHANGE."

America's guy can't even hold a phone properly!

In spite of the shallow, demagogic populism inherent in the American political diatribe, the yanks eat it right up. This has had a disastrous effect on American politics. They hold televised debates and have something called CSPAN, and everything seems to be geared towards letting the populace know how boring politics always is, in order to make the speeches of election-time seem super exciting and flag-wavingly arousing.

4 - They are proud of becoming independent

The population of the USA hate paying Taxes. Indeed, they hate paying taxes so much that in the 1700s their obstreperous Yank militia teamed up with the dastardly French and began to misbehave until the whole colony was cast from the Empire, the disappointing child of the glorious Motherland. What is odd, however, is that the colony has managed to convince its population that this was a good thing. Like the truly ungrateful urchin they are, proud of being disowned, they celebrate the day in 1783 that the Empire shook its head and closed the door on the USA.

Those were the days

America still comes home for his mother's Birthday

Australia is a land of convicts and marsupials, and even they managed to remember to put the Union Flag in their national flag, as does Canada. The USA chooses, however, to fly an inordinately complicated flag which, while copying the colours of the British flag, fails to reference the country that created them! Memento Creatoris Tui, Yanks!

As you can imagine, with the USA's independence came all sorts of troubles. Civil unrest, a civil war and apathy in regards to abolishing slavery, all would have been avoided had America remained safely under the wing of the Empire. But they had to go and be dicks about everything.

3 - American Sports are only played by Americans

American sports are invented to prevent Americans from having to compete with other nations. Some of the zany sports that have been invented include "American Football" which is arguably not football but definitely American, resembling rugby played with the armour from Gears of War. "Baseball" is also popular; it is like cricket but more boring and watched exclusively by working class drunks.

Compare and contrast baseball

And Cricket

Which seems more fun? Obviously the latter, but Baseball wasn't devised with fun in mind, it was invented so that the young country could be best at something.

2 - They are proud of a country that is not the UK

Patriotism isn't in itself flawed. Far from it, in fact. Drunkenly singing Blake's quandaries regarding the location of Jerusalem relative to the industrial district is one of the few unadulterated pleasures a man can have. The USA is a VERY patriotic country, but what is surprising is that Americans support their OWN country, which isn't Britain. If you are hungover, or reading this distractedly in order to try and forget the fact that you are on fire, and you haven't realised how bizarre this idea is, let's take it to its logical extreme. This would be equivalent to a French person supporting France!

Ridiculous

Ridiculous!

What is most bizarre is that none of the Yanks seem to have noticed that they are actively supporting, and waving the entirely asymmetrical flag of, a country other than Britain, and earnestly support the USA without a hint of sarcasm. The disastrous effects of this misuse of Patriotism are all too prevalent. The mass production of American flags has allowed the Arab world to discover fire, and sometimes burning American Flags are used to set alight the Union Flag!

1 - Similar To The French

Rude, loud, obnoxious, foul smelling, not British; Americans and French people are two of a kind. They independently invent similar food (French Fries and Freedom Fries, Pain Perdu and French Toast), neither have a monarchy, and both countries contain an Orleans.

Because of this, Americans and French people get on very well.