Christian Saints

St George has the dragon-slaying, St Nightingale has the lamp-wielding and St Patrick has the party-hard attitude. But you want to become a saint despite lacking any heroic qualities? Don’t worry. The standards are much much lower than you think..

Just The Facts

  1. Saints are figures in Christianity regarded as being exceptionally holy figures that, often during their lives, suffered for their faith and yet remained strong enough to undertake divine tasks given to them by God
  2. However, it is possible to legitimately use the term 'Saint' to also refer to anyone who is a Christian; the effects of using this fact to seduce gullible bible-types are not tested
  3. In order to become a proper Saint, however, you need to be canonised by the Pope
  4. He doesn't make this process easy

Canonisation (Is Not As Cool As It Sounds)

Unfortunately, we here at Cracked aren't perfect, and as further evidence of this, may have accidentally omitted a major element from the how-to-become-a-recognised-saint chart above. You have to be dead in order to be canonised. As in literally dead.

This man, however, is literaturely dead, which is a completely different thing

And its no wonder. Apart from the fortunate few who manged to accomplish an insanely holy task in their life and then retire (most likely proclaiming "I'm too old for this shit"), roughly 99% of the officially recognised saints were canonised as a result of dying for the faith. Bearing in mind the fact that Christianity as an official religion was only established in the late first century, so many martyrs had been canonised by the third century that it became necessary for the Church to start goddamn investigating the circumstances behind the deaths of any new martyrs in order to "prevent the recognition of undeserved peoples". The fact that, for the 200-odd years prior to this, it seems that the only evidence necessary to suggest someone for canonisation was simply to provide a box of ashes and a scruffy sketch drawing of the death (with ubiquitous halo over the subject's head) is quite frankly a bit worrying.

Saint Geoff and his equally Christian comrades discussing the events of the day circa 150AD

Reading the list of tasks the Church needed to undertake in order to determine the facts behind each act of martyrdom, it's remarkable that this age isn't remembered for the seemingly-advanced intelligence gathering network established before such spying luxuries as phone tapping, spy planes and Facebook were invented and more for the fact that people used to throw poop out of their windows in lieu of a toilet. Aside from gathering statments from witnesses of the death and analysing the trial records of the victim, investigators also conducted interviews with the family and friends of the individual so to be able to fully commemorate their life and achievements. Nah, only joking. It was totally just to find reasons not to canonize them, examples of which included gambling, alcohol drinking and premarital sex.

Admittedly this process does slow the application system down. A lot. Currently, there are approximately 10 saints-in-pending for deeds completed during- and for one and two unlucky souls, even before- the Second World War. Surely it has to be worth it though? After all, aside from the obligatory certificate and quite frankly bitchin' artwork, successful applicants get to be remembered alongside the heroes of the Christian faith for all eternity.