Chipotle

Chipotle Mexican Grill is a fast food restaurant that tries to make "mexican burritos and stuff" but ended up inventing "epic burritos and stuff"

Meanest, Badest motherfucker in town

Just The Facts

  1. If you do not have a Chipotle near you, your city is not worth living in
  2. McDonalds owned a majority interest in Chipotle from 1998 to 2006. This is funny because Chipotle is actually good
  3. If you can finish 3 Chipotle burritos then you're a champ
  4. If you order in spanish, you'll get free chips (as long as you're not in Cleveland)

Chipotle: Better than sex in Mexico

Well maybe not, I can't really say since I have never had sex in Mexico. But it could very well be true.

But this ties very well with the fact that Chipotle tries to make mexican food. I'd guess that it's actually better than the real stuff but no one knows for sure since Americans don't go to Mexico. In fact, Mexicans are usually the ones who come to the U.S. - my guess is the majority of illegal immigrants don't come here for jobs or to meet Mel Brooks - I think they just want some damn Chipotle. Or maybe they want to work at a Chipotle so that they can get free burritos?

That would explain why in every single Chipotle except the ones in Cleveland, most employees are of hispanic descent (Mexican) - this is really actually great for high school kids who take Spanish. Why? Because the hispanic (MEXICAN) employees think it's cute when you order in Spanish - so cute in fact that they will give you free Chips (the assholes normally charge like 1.50 for chips).

So next time you go to Chipotle, make sure you do the following:

First Mexican in Assembly Line:

Hola buenos dias, yo quiero un Burrito con frijoles negros y Barbacoa

You just ordered a Burrito with black beans and Barbacoa

Second Mexican in Assembly Line:

Me gustaria la salsa roja, queso, mais y sour cream. A y tambien me puede regalar una bolsa de papas?

You just asked for the hottest sauce, cheese, corn and sour cream (no one knows how the fuck to say that in Spanish so fuck it). Then you asked for free chips.

Works every time, but then again I'm actually fluent in Spanish and I'm not some asshole highschooler who is getting an A in Spanish 3. In fact, I'm so badass that when I was in highschool (that's right - I graduated already, bitches) I took Bilingual Spanish, Bilingual Spanish 2 and then Bilingual Spanish 3. In other words I could rape you in Spanish.

Anyways now I go to college in Cleveland and we have this Chipotle in a hippy and sceny little street called Coventry (seriously, half the kids...like shit). Anyways, as it turns out the Chipotles in Cleveland don't have Mexicans but that's only because they have a lot of African Americans (black people, anyways). They have one white guy. Oh and the manager is sweet. But I managed to get free chips anyways. If you live in city like Cleveland where Chipotle is ran by black people instead of Mexicans then try the following:

At the cash register say "Hey if you think of a number between 1 and 15 and I guess correctly, can I get free chips?". I did this once, I guessed 4 and I got free chips. But I'm really good looking so maybe I got it wrong and the lady just wanted my penis.

I didn't give it to her but I took my free chips and ate the shit out of them.

You'll need some special tricks for this location

Thinking of making a friend? Take them to Chipotle

I give potential new friends tryouts because I'm a huge douchebag like that. They better be cool, I don't want to be seen with lame people. One of the first tests I make them go through is the Chipotle Challenge.

It's not really a challenge though, unless you're a gigantic pussy.

I and all my other douchebag friends take the tryout to Chipotle and we all order a burrito. If he orders a set of Tacos then he fails. No real man orders tacos. Tacos are for women and children.

Remember in that movie Titanic how the lifeboats were only for women and children? These tacos work in the same way. Except unlike in the movie, if a man wants one of these then he's gay.

If he orders a Burrito Bowl then he's labled a pussy and he fails. This is worse than ordering a Taco because he's trying to not be a sissy but instead he ordered the sissiest meal of them all. Ordering a Burrito Bowl at Chipotle is like ordering a salad at McDonals. It's retarded. Not to mention the fact that it only removes like, what, 200 calories? It's still a near-1000 calorie bomb. Might as well go all out, no?

Seriously?

While I don't have anything against actual homosexuals, I really don't want to be seen with a friend who orders a set of tacos or a burrito bowl.

If he orders a Burrito, the bastard better put rice on it. Not doing that is a crime. If he orders extra anything, then he gets bonus points. If he orders in spanish without me telling him anything, I know that he's smart as fuck.

Chipotle has really helped me pick a good set of friends. It can help you too.