How To Survive College As A Computer Scientist

College was invented so young adults could have sex. Sometimes people make long-lasting friendships too. Every once in a while you’ll get someone who goes in order to get an education. Computer Science majors will only be able to do the last one.

Typical Computer Scientist

Just The Facts

  1. To the general public, all computer science majors look scary or creepy and just downright untouchable
  2. If you look scary or untouchable, this article will not help
  3. Lying to people WILL solve the problem - EVERY TIME!

Introduction

So you're going to college and want to major in Computer Science (CS)? That's awesome! CS is an extremely important field in today's world - without it we wouldn't have great products like Windows ME. From one nerd to another, I commend you. There is a small problem though: if you want to have a pretty normal college experience (read: sex every single night with a beautiful woman) and a so-so social life (read: getting wasted every single day of the week) then you absolutely cannot let anyone know that you're a CS major.

If you really take time to think about it (and are good at twisting things to make them sound better than they actually are...) it's sort of a blessing. On the one hand you could accept the facts: you will not have sex in college, you will not be invited to any parties, and you will have no friends. Or you could follow this short guide on how to survive college as a computer scientist...continue reading and you'll see why majoring in CS will turn you into a sort of spy (and we all know how much pussy spies get. Especially English spies like James Bond).

The Problem

Right about now you may be asking "but Rafael, why is it that I must hide who I am? I am a beautiful person and people will like me. I do not have to hide behind a curtain in order for people to be friends with me or want my penis!"

Let me be extremely clear: GOOD.

In order for this guide to help you, you need to know how to act like a normal human being. Sadly, this is probably not the case.

See the reason people like me are in this problem in the first place is because so many Computer Science majors look down right scary. Shit, I rarely get scared and even I get goosebumps when I go to some of my EECS classes (for you nooblets out there: Electrical Engineering and Computer Science - hey that's us!). These assholes then decide to let the whole world know that they are CS majors.

So when super-gorgeous Betty you've been eye-ing the past few days introduces herself and says "I'm a biology major, what about you?" and you say "Computer Science", you might as well have told her "I'm madly in love with you, you must sleep with me tonight!" - the chances of her running away are probably the same.

Even if you're a pretty normal looking guy who isn't socially inept, humans love word association. And playing word association with "Computer Science" is downright frightening. I mean honestly either the picture up top or the following picture will pop up:

Hi my name is Fred and I really like computers, can I have your number?

Note how I said "normal looking". The better looking you are, the easier it'll be for you (if you didn't know that already then you're socially inept and should just stop reading now - this guide is not for you). But that doesn't mean you need to look like Brad Pitt in order to get the nightly pussy we're paying for (through tuition of course - we're not talking about hiring prostitues or anything here...). I am an overweight white kid with a sprinkle of "rofl" here and a taste of "lmao" there. Chicks dig the lulz, so as long as you don't look SCARY and you don't tell them you're a Computer Science major...you should do at LEAST as well as me. And right now I'm doing quite well (I have 3 ladies waiting for me back home and a whole group o' lads waiting to get hammered with me. Seems like a pretty normal college life, no?)

What to do when you meet a girl

Since you claim to be able to handle social scenarios effectively, I won't go over the basic strategies that you should use in order to talk with people. If you're not sure how to do this, you should practice holding a conversation with ugly girls on the opposite side of campus. If it goes badly, try again. If it goes well, pat yourself on the back and hope you never see them again.

Instead, I'm going to go over how to work around the sad fact that pepole will judge you by your major instead of by who you really are.

Look at this detailed flowchart:

As you can see, admitting that you are a Computer Scientist does not have a positive outcome

As you can see, admitting that you are a Computer Scientist cannot lead to a positive outcome. That is not to say that lying will bring you sex, but as long as you're as smooth as me (shouldn't be too difficult) you'll be okay.

The key here is to lie and tell Betty that you're a Business major. Business majors are pretty relaxed/chill and aren't nerdy at all. Betty should be able to relate quite well with a Business major.

If your Betty happens to be a Business major, you should probably choose something else - like Biology!

If you don't care about having sex with beautiful women...

Then you're probably gay.

But regardless, you definitely want to be able to get hammered every single fucking night (if this is an incorrect assumption then your parents are seriously wasting their money by sending you to college.). If you go to a big state school then I assume you'll be able to do this no problem. I don't know for sure because I go to a college with 5,000 alcoholics-in-training (also known as undergraduates) where almost all of them are engineers and more than half of them are male. Basically, what I'm getting at is that parties at my college are rare and they usually suck. And if you don't have a vagina then it's way too difficult to get into one.

And if you're majoring in Computer Science you might as well shut the fuck up and improve your algorithms back in your dorm room because there's no way you'll be able to party at a school like mine.

Motherfucker means business, go code you nerd.

Unless of course you're undercover...

Here's the thing, the key to getting hammered is having friends. You should try and get as many friends as possible, each of them will have their own seperate group of friends also. This is like a math problem, and as a CS major you should see where I'm going with this. Assuming each of your friends knows 2 people who party then if you have 10 friends then it's as if you had another 20 friends that could tell you about parties! So if there's one thing you remember from this how-to guide is lie out your ass and get as many friends as possible.

In order to get male friends at a nerdy school like Carnegie Mellon then you'll want to apply a similar strategy to the one used to get nightly-pussy. We'll lie about our major once more but instead of saying Business, we'll say something fucking awesome like Biomedical Engineering or Physics Engineer with a concentration in Aerospace. I mean fuck, what kind of asshole doesn't want to be friends with someone who makes fake hearts or someone who could make a missile that can take out an entire country? One is a hero, the other is a fucking badass. You're an idiot for not wanting to befriend either one.

By now, if you have any sort of intelligence you should be asking two questions....

Rafael you're a cuntfuck, how am I going to tell beautiful women that I am one major and my guy friends that I am a badass/hero?

Dear Reader: shove a spoon up your ass and then scoop a giant spoonful of STFU and shove it down your throat. Have you ever heard of a double major? Yeah that's right. I am a Biomedical Engineer and a Business major on the side. Suck on ma dick bitchessss....

Rafael, if you go to a giant nerd school, why is it that you have to lie about your major? Clearly you aren't the only nerd there!

This is really a wonderful question. But it has a simple answer. Let's make an analogy: if you attend a university which only has a mixture of ugly girls and retarded girls, you'll probably go ahead and settle for the ugly ones, right? Yeah, you guessed it. We make all these beautiful women wonderful software like Windows, OSX, and everything else they put on their computer and then they treat us like the worst of the worst. Whatever, as long as we get pussy at the end of the day I suppose it's all good.

If the one on the right was what all CS people looked like and the one on the left was what all other engineers looked like, you'd settle for the left as well.

Remember how I said it was important to not be socially inept in order to get nightly pussy? Turns out the same is true in order to get friends (and thus in order to get hammered). So make sure you know how to talk to other people - it can be rather important. Just like before, this guide simply explains how to get around the fact that you're majoring in Computer Science.

Conclusion

If you followed the instructions above, you should now have a solid supply of both alcohol and girls. I know you thought it wasn't possible when you first started reading. Turns out you just have to think less like a geek and more like a british spy.

This handsome fellow only gets a little bit more action than you