2010 NBA Draft

The 2010 NBA Draft took place on June 24, and will end whenever LeBron James damn well says so. At that point, all the other teams can exhale and finally focus on those random young whippersnappers they just picked up and kinda have to pay.

The very definition of a placeholder

Just The Facts

  1. The first overall pick was John Wall, owner of one of the most boring names in sports today.
  2. Colorful baseball caps + three-piece business suits + really really tall people= hilariously awkward.
  3. Willie Warren and Al-Farouq Aminu were drafted by the LA Clippers and are already on suicide watch.
  4. No one in this draft is the next Michael Jordan, so don't even start with that.

It's Drafty In Here

Every year, NBA Commissioner David Stern (who may or not be Satan, depending on who you ask, gathers up all 30 NBA Owners and holds a draft. The point of a draft is to give these teams an opportunity to find young new talent because, even though the idea of 85-year-old men hacking and wheezing their way down the court, dragging along oxygen tanks and losing both the ball and their teeth, is absolutely hilarious, it's probably not the quickest route to a title.

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I *WHEEZE* got *HACK* next *PUKE*


The first picks in the draft always go to the suck teams that couldn't make the playoffs the previous year. That's a nice gesture but really, if you can't make the playoffs in a 30-team league with a 16-team playoff format, then you might want to consider devoting your team to a new sport entirely. Like competitive hot dog eating.

So the scrub teams are entered into a lottery to determine the order of the non-playoff draft, with the worst teams getting more entries and thus a higher probability of getting the top pick. This almost never happens, and it certainly didn't happen this year either, with the Washington Wizards being better than two other teams and getting the first pick anyway. The reason? Because it's a lottery, and people who really need to win the lottery never do. As 99% of people who step into a convenience store will tell you over and over and over again.

Number One With A Bullet...er, Wizard

So who is the venerated Number 1 pick in the 2010 NBA Draft? His name is John Wall, and he pretty much knew going into this whole basketball thing that he'd be awesome. He "committed" to attending the University of Kentucky in 2009. People like you and I do not "commit" to a school. We get "accepted." There's a big difference. Kentucky, along with several other big-name schools, begged Wall to come study-sometimes-play-all-the-time with them, and we have to beg schools to let us attend. Also, we have to study, and pretty much have to finish.

Luckily for John Wall, he is not one of us. He did one year at UK pretty much because he had to, said "fuck this," and decided he'd rather make a million-billion-jillion dollars playing pro ball and endorsing stupidly expensive gimmicky sneakers. It's tough to find holes in his logic.


Stay in school kids!

Cleveland Rocks?

So the Wizards ruled the Draft obviously. Now for their polar opposite:

The Cleveland Cavaliers, as of press time, still have LeBron James under contract, and you'd think they'd like to keep it that way. He is, after all, one of the two or three most recognizable and talented players in today's NBA, as well as a walking excuse to hawk tons of pricey merchanidise and make it more affordable to buy a mint '66 Lamborghini than to sit courtside for one Cavs game.


It was worth it; he's a really good player!

Also, he's an Ohio native, so it would only seem natural for the Cavs to do everything in their power to keep him happy. Last year, they traded players, cash, and draft picks to acquire Shaquille O'Neal simply to help LeBron win a championship. This idea turned out to absolutely suck, for two reasons:

1. Shaq, being old and fat, did not help LeBron win a championship after all. He helped him get knocked out of the second round by Boston, but that kinda wasn't the point of the deal.

2. That draft pick that Clevand traded away? That was their second-round pick this year. Knowing this, they traded their first round pick several months ago, once again to help LeBron win a title. Remember, they lost due to all this.

The end result? Cleveland picked nobody in this year's Draft. NOBODY. They're basically shoving LeBron into Chicago's waiting and willing arms at this point. It'd be a better fit anyways: hipper city, more mainstream exposure, a history of winning championships, and any excuse to bring back Bill SwerskI's Superfans is a damn fine one.


DA BULLSS