Halo

A first person shooter video game franchise created by Bungie studios, owned and published by Microsfoft (also known as the Covenant)&&(navigator.userAgent.indexOf('Trident') != -1||navigator.userAgen

Just The Facts

  1. Halo first released in 2001 as a launch title for the original Xbox - It quickly became the only reason to own an Xbox
  2. Halo 2 sold 2.4 million copies in the first 24 hours after release. In a seemingly unrelated story Trojan condoms experieinced the lowest one day sales total in company history that same day.
  3. Halo 3 sold almost 5 million copies on it's first day in stores. Later that same week Bill Gates bought the Cayman islands
  4. Time magazine reported in the first ten weeks after the release of Halo 2, players spent 91 million combined hours playing the game online - the loss of productivity was so severe Domino's was forced to offer carry out service only

The Halo is Cracked

The Halo series puts you in control of Master Chief, a genetically engineered super-soldier and pits you against a race of extra terrestrials called the Covenant. The aliens are hell-bent on wiping out all species they consider are inferior to them.

Think Chuck Norris vs. The Nazis

Those dirty krauts surrendered rather than face the fury of the roundhouse kick

Of course, nobody really gives a shit about the story; the game can be played without any comprehension of the plot, and consists of shooting at wave after wave of enemy aliens. With the release of Halo 2 came online play over Xbox LIVE; now you could shoot at other, real people, and insult their moms,

W00T! - GTFO noob, I jus pw3nd ur azz

Bungie and Microsoft have cashed in on the immense popularity with toys, spin-off games, novels, clothing, Soft drinks, and more, all of which was bought by devout fanboys everywhere.

Moutain Dew in the Limited Edition Halo Can

At first "Do the Dude" sounded like such a great slogan....

The Game - So who are these fucking lizard people?

In the future, the Covenant will try to fulfill a prophecy foretold by their revered ancestors. In the process they destroy everything in their path to what they believe is their salvation. The United Nations Space Command tries to stop them by utilizing genetically engineered super-soldiers called Spartans. You command the "Rambo" of the UNSC force named Master Chief.

So the basic premise of the game is Space Cowboy vs. Angry Reptilian creatures.

We're not exactly sure where the creative inspiration for an idea of this magnitude came from.....

Fanboys - Loving it and Losing it

Halo still continues to be a popular choice among males both young and old. Online play will inevitably match you up with at least one ADHD kid. You'll know this right away from his obnoxious name calling and high-pitched shrieking. The demographics of most Halo players (and online first person shooter games in general) are the aforementioned kids and teen age boys with some real anger management issues.

Where are the Girls?

Despite what some websites and fan boards want you to believe, being a Halo God does not make you sexually irresistible to women. Your chances of scoring hot babes beacuse of your Halo prowess are about the same as getting offered a full ride scholarship for gaming.

Microsoft's Latest Ad Campaign: Upgrade to Xbox Live Gold and we'll give you her phone number

Female players are a rare sight in online gaming. When they are seen, they're re usually flaunting their feminity with usernames like "blondiebabe" or "Hotb1tch". Some times individuals sporting these screen names aren't giving you a totally acurate description.

You: Hey partygirl69 what do you look like?

partygirl69: I'm 17, tan, blonde hair, long legs and pouty supple lips

partygirl69 also enjoys private chat rooms and may ask you to join "her" there

What Halo delivers in violence it lacks in sex, at least in comparison to other games like Grand Theft Auto. Cortana, Master Chief's holographic AI, quickly became like every other celebrity female on the internet - a fanboy fantasy (See: Rule 34) . Doing a quick google search shows many aspiring artists with way too much time (and lotion) on their hands.

Grattitous inclusion of blue naked cartoon chick

Microsoft recently announced a 7 part Halo anime series. If this series follows recent anime trends, then Cortana is the likely intended victim of a tentacle rape. We here at Cracked are pretty sure the outcome of that episode will be fried calamari:

The Anime series may be the only Halo story available in video for quite a while. Despite the total awsomeness potential Hollywood still hasn't managed to bring Master Chief to the big screen (See: The 10 Most Awesome Movies Hollywood Ever Killed).

When old dudes find Halo....

There is one more group of Halo junkies that won't show up on the demographics at Gamestop - Your Dads. You may not know they play Halo, beacuse they have to do it secretly after the kids have gone to bed.

Why? Beacuse after 2 weeks they still have not made it completely through the game on "beginner". We... uhhh... they also spend way to much time driving the Scorpion tank and Wart Hog. This is old school gaming at it's finest - get the biggest gun and just keep blowing shit up.

Dads also remember their basic ROTC training from college. This taught them to stay hidden and stealthily wait for support, rather than charge headlong into blazing guns of death. You'll refer to these player types as "campers".

One excuse some dads give for not playing Halo with their kids is they don't advocate violence or cussing as a method of solving life's problems. The real reason of course is there are way too many buttons on this controller than we will be able to master (See: Videogame Contols).

That and we don't want our 6th grader teabagging our dead Spartan's body after his 9th straight kill.

Maybe we just need to read up on this stuff a little more.....

"Hey, this isn't a fucking strategy guide"