Goth culture has been on the upswing since the late 80's and is, as yet, not slowing it's roll. To the uninitiated, Goth people may seem fun and exciting, but recent scientific study has proven this hypothesis to be incorrect.

See how ugly low self-esteem can be?

Hot Goth Chick

Considerably LESS Hot Goth Chick

How Do You Spot A Goth?

  • Predominant amount of black clothing, patent leather, PVC, lace, etc.
  • 4-8 lbs. of stainless steel piercings in the facial/visible areas
  • Public display of drunken experimental bisexuality
  • Lack of chesticle sheathing in women, black tape over the nipples
  • Apparent disregard for personal space and comfort
  • Hatred of nature, in general; and the sun, in particular
  • Fruity dance moves that your 6 year-old brother does better
  • Tons of black-clad fatties playing at "being sexy"

The Four Retarded Horsemen of Goth Culture

The Four Horsemen of Retarded

1) The Gothapotomus is the most desperate, yet numerous, of the four groups. Many a greasy fatty has ridden Satan's dark hog into the darkness for the promise of cameraderie and friendship. The goth culture attracts a record number of plumpers because, put simply, no one else wants them. Constant failures in sports, relationships, and restaurant etiquette will drive a person to punish innocent black clothing by overfilling them.

2) The Mall Goths are the n00bs of the community and have little understanding of the true origins of goth. Ever have trouble navigating around Hot Topic, Spencer Gifts, and the food court while at your local mall? It's infuriating, isn't it? These prepubescent asshats are to blame. Our suggestion is to grab one and throttle their scrawny chicken neck with his/her own chain wallet until they cry black tears.

3) Old School Goths are the decrepit veterans on the scene, always standing adjacent to wherever there is anything remotely resembling action. One would naturally assume that these geezers would occupy a position of authority in the communal hierarchy, considering their overdrawn tenure. Nothing could be further from the truth. For one thing, the overpowering scent of clove cigarettes and Ben Gay drive away any would-be conversationalists. Secondly, they will bore the tits off of you, with talk of the olden/golden days. Unlike their predecessor Dracula, they don't have the good sense to get staked and left in the sun.

4) Goth Metalheads are natural diplomats. They bridge the gap between aggressive, in-your-face metal and pussified neo-classical baroque bullshit. The music notwithstanding, they exhibit more lunkheaded behavior than a reserved Victorian manner, and are prone to occasional outbursts of intense violence. Caution should ALWAYS be employed when dealing with these Neandrathals, unless you want your school on the evening news, riddled with bullet holes.