Home Shopping Network

Televised proof that capitalism doesn't work.

A Loophole In Capitalism

where competing businesses are forced to improve their products and services by savvy customers so that the best possible system results. The problem is that no-one even uses the word "savvy" anymore, let alone demonstrates it, and the Home Shopping Network reversed the polarity of the whole procedure by sticking with their crappy products and finding worse customers until someone buys them.

It's designed for people whose judgement centers have been disabled by lack of movement, driven stir crazy by self-imposed solitary confinement with pizza deliverymen instead of prison guards. It's Skymall for people who aren't even going anywhere, a concept so depressing that sentence just killed a dozen Care Bears.


The Home Shopping Network started as it meant to go on: with someone being ripped off with far too many unwanted products. A bankrupt advertiser sent 'Bud' Paxson's radio station 112 can openers instead of money, and Paxson had a revelation: "I just put up with that and everyone listening to my show puts up with me." He went on air and just kept talking about the damn openers until they were all sold, earning over a thousand dollars, and lo, a dark and terrible convenient shopping solution was born.

The Worst Products Ever

Wii plus 15 pieces of plastic crap for $330

Anyone who's ever been in an electronics store has seen those bulky plastic dildos for your Wiimote, and immediately thought "What kind of moron would spend $10 on that?" Well, while you were despairing over the fall of civilization, home shopping were searching for an evolved mega-moron who'd buy fifteen of them for $130. By showing how they really cost thousands of dollars.

That guy can't even use a Wii, at which point you're legally declared spare parts to be claimed by anyone with an income and a heart condition. For the rest of the segment he couldn't be demonstrating greater contempt for his audience without stripping off and inventing a way to transmit urine streams by Television - he's just proved that his pieces of plastic shit don't work and actively destroy wealth, and continues to sell it for four minutes while everyone in the studio laughs at anyone still watching.

And his female co-host can still wish they had more with a straight face - we're fairly sure that anyone raiding the HSN basement will find a huge storage box of souls marked "Unsellable even by us."

"Amethyst-Color Clusterfu..Ring"

This ring amalgamates everything awful about home shopping jewellery, by including most of it in one horrifying clump. Before this moment we'd never thought "tacky" could reach gravity-generating scale. That's not something you stick on your finger, that's the heart of the warp-drive in a straight-to-video "Starry Trip" science-fiction ripoff. It's also worth noting that it may be worth selling for $20 and photographing under powerful "Could make a dog turd look shiny, which it's effectively doing" lighting, but no-one involved thought it worth actually cleaning before doing either. Please note that we didn't make up "Amethyst-Color" - it's right there in the actual name in the worst insult to human intelligence since Tila Tequila claimed to write a book.

Plug-N-Play Texas Hold 'Em

For just eighty times the cost of a pack of cards, you too can play Texas Hold 'Em on crappy LCD screens - which still require a full TV to display the results! Because poker combined with televisions is always good and certainly not a parody of the very concept of entertainment!

P. Diddy's Fragrance

A disasterpiece of misplaced enthusiasm, with Diddy in full lunatic "I think I'm going to be Bond" mode, which he immediately disproved by using it on HSN. If Bond ever appeared in their studios it'd be on his way to kill Dr Mindbender and foil his global scheme to drown America in Taiwanese plastic runoff. Shilling sixty-dollar stink on HSN and insisting that you're going to be 007 - that's like announcing your candidacy for president when the police catch you halfway inside a lamb's backside. The Hollywood-to-HSN transition is more one-way than having your head cut off, Diddy, and the average farmyard chicken still manages it with more dignity.

Despite a drop in status that would make meteorite dizzy, when "Diane" called it became clear that he was more than enough man for her. Postman Pat's star-power would likely have been enough to give her a contact-orgasm. This was probably the first time Diane had talked to a man since the Samaritans started letting her go to call waiting - she sounded like she was being tickled to death by helium-breathing chihuahuas.

Making Money

If you get the chance to invest in human stupidity, take it. It's a better bet fire-extinguisher rental after a Lakers game.

Why yes, there WAS a bump in the second half of May when the stimulus checks went out.

Making Money Scandals

Not to imply that HSN is an entire multimedia empire designed solely to squeeze money wherever they can find it, but in 1987 they sued their own telephone service provider for $1.5 billion. They claimed that so many people wanted to buy simulated cubic zirconium-like doorstops that GTE was dropping calls and costing them money. GTE counter-sued, stating that the accusations were slanderous and that HSN couldn't sell $1.5 billion worth of anything if they had a garage sale in Fort Knox. The phone company won a hundred million dollar payment, and HSN vowed to never again rip off people who actually had jobs.

Other Networks

Gems TV

Gems TV offers home-shopping jewellery (shipped straight from exotic Thailand!) suffering repeated complaints that the products sold don't look like those advertised, that they aren't really as good as those in high street stores, and that they don't actually have healing properties. This may be the first time in history the Advertising Standards Authority's report was "Duh."

Japan's SHOP Channel

Do you want one of these?

If so, can you tell us what the hell it is, and maybe reassure us it isn't for capturing the sweat of your victims? Because this image
is clearly of a different girl. "Hey, honey, what's in this bag? And why does the bathroom open to the kitchen and have a lock on both doors?"