Fujimaki Gekijyo is a hoity-toity restaurant in Tokyo whose owner/chef wants you to pay over $100 for a bowl of Ramen noodles. But only if he likes you and deems you worthy. That eliminates everybody reading this, including the author.
Have you ever stared at your brick of uncooked Ramen noodles and thought, "Eh, it's yummy and all, but you know what it needs? A ton of pretentious crap that I only MIGHT be able to identify. Also, 100 more dollars on my bill!" Shoichi Fujimaki sure did.
This Tokyo chef has concoted what he calls his "Five-Taste Blended Imperial Noodles," which he touts as the end-all-be-all of noodle dishes. Basically, it's a bit of pork, a bunch of Thai herbs and veggies that got boiled for their juices and then chucked in the trash because actually chewing stuff is overrated, along with a couple other things that he couldn't fit into any other dish, all dancing around a bunch of noodles soaked in beef broth. Sounds tasty enough, and most of us would have no problem paying six or seven bucks for a bowl of the stuff.
HA! Mr. Fujimaki laughs at your ridiculous pricing expectations!
Not the same Fuji, but he laughs at you too.
Nope, this bowl of porkish noodle soup runs for 10000 yen, or roughly $110. One bowl. $110. And you can't even eat the bowl afterwards.
How does Fujimaki justify this? Basically, he says it's really, really good and that's that. "It's not really ramen. This is my cuisine, it's my 25 years of experience distilled into one bowl." So, in 25 years, he learned how to make noodles and broth. He didn't need to work that hard; he could've just spent one year in college.
Drooling yet? Didn't think so.
Fujimaki actually started down this road to madness with a $33 noodle dish before he realized, "Y'know what? Not enough. If I'm gonna soak the gullible public for their money by throwing a bowl of limp pasta in their face, I might as well go the distance. A hundred bucks it is!" Can't fault the man for lack of determination.
Not so fast. Fujimaki believes very strongly that eating his noodles is an experience akin to meeting God himself. So, you can't just waltz into any of his noodle joints, plunk down a Ben Franklin (or whoever the Japanese equivalent of a Ben Franklin is), and expect to indulge in porky noodle-y goodness. Nope, you have to be invited. And if you're anything like us at Cracked, being invited to anything is a foreign experience.
Nobody wuvs us.
Fujimaki only serves this expensive bowl at one restaurant, the Fujimaki Gekijyo. The $100 soup is literally the only thing on the menu at the Gekijyo. Also, it takes him three days to fix up one stinkin' batch of the stuff, four days if he torrented Sailor Moon hentai that night and is feeling particularly frisky. So it's special, all right.
To get inside the restaurant, you need to be a regular at one of Mr. Fujimaki's other, more normally-priced and overall sane noodle restaurants. If he likes you (and you give him enough money over time,) he will invite you to spend a whole lot more money by dining on a Five-Taste Wallet-Draining Blended Noodle Soup Of Eventual Poverty And Doom (we may or may not have taken liberies with the name right there).
So, in a nutshell, here are the steps to take if you really hate having money in your bank account:
1. Move to Japan (important: this does not apply if you already live in Japan)
2. Eat at Fuji's. A lot.
3. Pray to any God you can think of that Fuji likes you.
4. When he invites you to throw your money away, say yes. REMEMBER TO SAY YES. If you say no, then the plan's all fucked up. Dummy.
5. Eat drink and be merry, and try not to think of that nasty ol' repo man who'll be paying a visit to your home real soon.