Creepypasta is the name given to all kinds of weird, urban legend-type things going on in the Internet. Some are stories, some are images, some are videos, and all of them are potential making-you-crap-your-pants material.

Sort of the opposite of rule 34: if it exists, there IS a creepy version of it.

Just The Facts

  1. None of the legends are true. Seriously. If you look them up, there's always an explanation behind them.
  2. Somehow I don't believe any of those explanations.
  3. There are all kinds of creepypasta, ranging from "that was kind of weird" to "HOLY SH*T WHERE'S MY BLANKIE?"
  4. You are still thinking about that eye-less Squidward up there.

Part 1: kind of weird

OK, now I'm gonna ease you into this stuff. In this category we have the mild stories, the ones that you can read at night and still be able to sleep. For example, we have the 70's children's series called Candle Cove.

First thing you need to know: the description of the show itself is not so bad. The people who watched it in the 70's (it only aired for a few months in 72, apparently) say it was kind of a scary puppet show that involved a smiling ship called Laughingstock, a dumb pirate, a little girl and a villain called Skin-Taker. Oh, and by the way, his cloak is "sewn in a weird way because it's supposed to be made of children's skins".

Now, there are all kinds of cautionary tales out there that make this look refreshing... So what is this story doing in a topic about Creepypasta?

Oh, dear... I'll tell you why.

Nope, it's not the weird-ass poster either. This poster is actually kind of cool.

I was doing some research on this stuff (while I was supposed to be studying, might I add) and found an online forum where some people who used to watch the show were talking about it. It starts out pretty innocent:

Re: Candle Cove local kid's show?
(...) It took place in Candle cove, and it was about a little girl who imagined herself to be friends with pirates. The pirate ship was called the Laughingstock, and Pirate Percy wasn't a very good pirate because he got scared too easily. And there was calliope music constantly playing."

Then it gets a bit weirder:

Re: Candle Cove local kid's show?
I'm so relieved that other people remember this terrible show! I used to have this awful memory, a bad dream I had where the opening jingle ended, the show faded in from black, and all the characters were there, but the camera was just cutting to each of their faces, and they were just screaming, and the puppets and marionettes were flailing spastically, and just all screaming, screaming. The girl was just moaning and crying like she had been through hours of this. I woke up many times from that nightmare. I used to wet the bed when I had it.

Re: Candle Cove local kid's show?
i don't think that was a dream. i remember that. i remember that was an episode."

Yeah. That's some nice kid's show, alright. But it could very well be nothing more than an MTV commercial, right? They love doing those things that nobody can tell whether they're sending you a subliminal message or they're just on acid.

But now... Ah, now comes the really creepy part.

Subject: Re: Candle Cove local kid's show?

i visited my mom today at the nursing home. i asked her about when i was littel in the early 70s, when i was 8 or 9 and if she remebered a kid's show, candle cove. she said she was suprised i could remember that and i asked why, and she said "because i used to think it was so strange that you said 'i'm gona go watch candle cove now mom' and then you would tune the tv to static and just watch dead air for 30 minutes. you had a big imagination with your little pirate show.""

... Yeah. Either these people are nuts, or that guy's mother is, or the show is fricken imaginary.

Part 2: REALLY weird

Have you ever dreamed about an unattractive guy with bushy brows and a receding hairline? Probably you don't remember. Aside from this pedophile-ish expression, there's nothing distinguished about this dude, and as far as we've been able to tell, nobody even knows who he is. So why would you remember - and why should you be scared of him?

That's right, he has a website.

OK, so the thing is, he has been showing up in dreams quite a lot. And by a lot, I mean he's been showing up in a lot of different dreams. Dreamt by different people.

Look at his face. Nothing uncommon about it, except for the fact that people all over the world - that's right, the dude is an international dream-surfer with frequent traveler Weirdo Miles - have been dreaming of him and remembering the dream. Apparently, they have a forum, sort of like an AA - but more of a TMDA, or This Man Dreamers Annonymous.

If he shows up in your bedroom tonight, make sure you're actually asleep.

Part 3: I'll sleep with the light on tonight.

So lately it seems like there's a formula for a Creepypasta-worthy story, much like that of a Nickelback song. It goes like this:

Beloved cartoon + suicide + mysterious story of a deleted episode + subliminal messages = Creepypasta

However, unlike the Nickelback song, the fact that it's based on a specific formula doesn't mean it loses its appeal. Actually, it's more like the other way around.

There is the Dead Bart story, for example, which is kind of scary but not that much. Then there's Squidward's Suicide, and that one is... Well, worse. Much worse. But for the formula to live up to its full potential, the cartoon has to be the most beloved one ever.

That's right, Walt Disney, it's your turn.

Nope, not the right kind of Suicide Mouse. But you'll wish it was.

See the tiny thing? That's your penis mickey. And that's you shitting your pants.

OK, so the backstory is that Walt Disney made a low-quality Mickey Mouse movie before he died, and supposedly the only guy who saw the ending killed himself. That's right, he just went like "hmm, Mickey just died. I suppose if it's good enough for Mickey..." So I was reading about this thing, and thought it was pretty lame until I found the video.

No, I didn't watch it. But I also found the description.

Oh, the description.

"After it cut to black, it stayed like that until the 6th minute, before going back into Mickey walking. The sound was different this time. It was a murmur. It wasn't a language, but more like a gurgled cry. As the noise got more indistinguishable and loud over the next minute, the picture began to get weird. The sidewalk started to go in directions that seemed impossible based on the physics of Mickeys walking. And the dismal face of the mouse was slowly curling into a smirk. On the 7th minute, the murmur turned into a bloodcurdling scream (the kind of scream painful to hear) and the picture was getting more obscure. Colors were happening that shouldn't have been possible at the time. Mickey face began to fall apart. his eyes rolled on the bottom of his chin like two marbles in a fishbowl, and his curled smile was pointing upward on the left side of his face. The buildings became rubble floating in midair and the sidewalk was still impossibly navigating in warped directions, a few seeming inconcievable with what we, as humans, know about direction. Mr. Maltin got disturbed and left the room, sending an employee to finish the video and take notes of everything happening up until the last second, and afterward immediately store the disc of the cartoon into the vault. This distorted screaming lasted until 8 minutes and a few seconds in, and then it abruptly cuts to the mickey mouse face at the credits of the end of every video with what sounded like a broken music box playing in the backround. This happened for about 30 seconds, and whatever was in that remaining 30 seconds I heaven't been able to get a sliver of information. From a security guard working under me who was making rounds outside of that room, I was told that after the last frame, the employee stumbled out of the room with pale skin saying "Real suffering is not known" 7 times before speedily taking the guards pistol and offing himself on the spot. The thing I could get out of Leonard Maltin was that the last frame was a piece of russian text that roughly said "the sights of hell bring its viewers back in".

If you are thinking "too long, didn't read", then good for you. Go google it. Better yet, go watch it.

No, don't. Seriously, don't.

If Mickey makes you kill yourself, don't say I didn't warn you.