Vuvuzela

The Vuvuzela is the worst thing to happen to sports celebrations since they banned touchdown dances.

...and that was how Moses lost the Wolrd Cup.

Just The Facts

  1. The Vuvuzela's sound can be best discribed as a swarm of killer bees playing kazoos.
  2. Critics say the Vuvuzella distracts the players and drowns out other fans. Supporters say BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
  3. The Vuvuzella just gives America another reason to not care about soccer.

Should Vuvuzelas be banned from the World Cup?

Well, studies have shown that extended exposure requires ear protection in order to avoid permanent hearing loss, and players aren't too fond of them because all the noise makes communication on the field near impossible, saying that "it's like being deaf." There are also complaints that the hosts of radio broadcasts are being drowned out by the noise, but there are apparently filters now being used to cancel out most of the noise.

However, FIFA said they would ban the instruments if they were "thrown onto the pitch (field) or used as a weapon," despite that the decibel levels are already capable of causing permanent physical damage, shortly before announcing that there would be no ban.

So what are the arguments against the ban that apparently carry more weight than "it can make you deaf," "it's fucking with the athletes' ability to play," and "it's incredibly fucking annoying?"

"I don't see banning the music traditions of fans in their own country. Would you want to see a ban on the fan traditions in your country?"

As an American, let me explain that our sports "music traditions" include blasting "Who Let the Dogs Out?" and "Rock and Roll Part 2" from the speakers, and the crowd chanting "AAASSSS-HOOOOOLE." While annoying, they're not causing permanent hearing damage and you can still hear the commentary on the radio (although playing the Baha Men is usually deserving of a beating).

I've been told that British fans like to sing songs at soccer games. I'm assuming it sounds something like this:

Not only is the singing lively and cheerful, but vuvuzelas actually drown out the singing.

This is Africa - we will blow it, with or without the consent of FIFA. This is our World Cup - irrespective of who the tournament belongs to, the fact that they chose to bring it to the cradle of human kind, where people dance and celebrate in spite of insurmountable misery is not our fault.

This isn't a South African competition, it's a global competition. Feel free to show off your culture, but don't ruin the game for everyone else.

Also, it's one thing to "dance and celebrate in spite of insurmountable misery," but it's another thing to blast a loud instrument throughout the entire game.

A ban would rob the tournament of part of its cultural identity, leaving thousands of locals perplexed: could you imagine being told by an international body that you could no longer drink beer at American football games, or fall asleep during baseball? The South Africans wouldn't take too kindly to having a national institution removed.

The stadiums I've been to served beers in plastic cups and weren't allowed to serve people who appeared drunk. There's a reason for that. Also, drinking beer isn't unique to any sports culture, or any culture for that matter.

Also, the music of Africa is diverse and beautiful, but a plastic horn that came to Africa in the 90's has no place in the history book of African music, and calling it a "national institution" is retarded. Yes, South Africans wouldn't take too kindly to the vuvuzela being banned, but plenty of people already don't take too kindly to them being blasted into their eardrum.