Gundam

Gundam is my childhood. Huge mechs with no emotion shooting and stomping on Nazi-esque villains. Unlike a Transformer, a Gundam isn't going to shed an oily tear for massacring a few thousand colonists.

In Japan, it is customary to make a pilgrimage to the Gundam statue, lest it reawaken and level half of Tokyo if one does not.

Model kits are incredibly popular and sad

You're not a Gundam pilot till your foes blood coats your mobile suit. Failing that, you can stab an orphanage

Just The Facts

  1. The Gundam franchise has over a dozen series and movies based around Mobile Suits, which translates into 72 foot tall war machines.
  2. The original Gundam (RX-78) was recognized as a cultural icon of Japan and was therefore put on postage stamps
  3. To celebrate the 30th anniversary of Gundam, a life sized RX-78 was built in Japan.

What Is Gundam?

GUNDAM itself is an acronym in the Gundam universe.

General
Unilateral
Neuro-Link
Dispersive
Autonomic
Maneuver

This translated to actual English means that the giant doom robot killing machines are mind powered. That's right, in the series if you are sitting in one of these bad boys (with some nice racing stripes hopefully) if you think about nuking the fuck out of your ex's house, you will in fact nuke the shit out of your ex's house.


A whip? Really? Only in Japan are there S&M robots.

In reality the creaters of the series probably said hey "Gun mixed with Damn would sound fucking legendary." And thus the name "Gundam" was formed. After a while of heckling and being constantly bombarded by questions we assume the creators of the show decided to pull an acronym out of their ass. They randomly threw down some technical words, some words they just shat out and voila! We at cracked came up with our own acronym for GUNDAM:

Giant
Unreal
Nuclear
Driven
Ass-kicking
Machine

This captures the essence of what these giant metal titans are all about. sure, they have story and character development in the seires, but who the fuck wants to see it? The greatest joy of the Mecha genre is watching ungodly war machines duke it out for our own viewing pleasure.

In the many series, theres an elaborate cast of pilots who...pilot these Gundams. These pilots make the parts without robot on robot hate crimes watchable. There is one recurring theme which is distressing.

This kid will save the world before his balls even drop

This 16-year-old kid with the pube fro was the original Gundam pilot. Amuro Ray, the unlikely teen hero, found himself forced to pilot the Gundam (Yes, The Gundam, the original ass kicker) and had a couple of emotional breakdowns along his piloting career. Pansy. I mean, what teenager wouldn't enjoy slaughtering enemy loyalists with a giant mech? The kind with a conscience. Sickening.

This trend continued through almost every single series, a young pilot who shows remarkable skill is forced to slaughter innocent lives for some political cause we can never quite understand. Apparently in this future kids are the future, now.

The Amazing Gundam

Some of the reaons we love Gundam is that it's just plain old cool. Seventy foot tall robots that go around the planet bashing the circuitry out of each other (And sometimes unfortunate ground troops). Not only that but the Gundams also fight in space, blowing eachother into chunks outside of the atmosphere. We have had many wet dreams about an armada of giant robots under our control heading towards a planet and doing a "Death Star-Drive By"

We have to admit, despite the geeky stigma that surrounds anime, we can't help but to enjoy massive explosions and doom machine. That's the only reason Terminator Salvation made sales. Gundam has spread beyond just anime and manga and has entered the video game martketplace, releasing some cool looking titles.

Something else awesome, skintight suits

Gundam has damn cool looking space ships and fight scenes, the games look like they good provide some pretty good futuristic battles, and it occasionally provides boobs. How can you steer this franchise wrong?

The Bad Gundam

When we say things go bad, they can go very bad. Why do we like Gundam? It's for the political story lines, character development and murderous fucking robots. Apparently Bandai decided to say "Fuck that shit" at the board meeting in which they came up with this...

If a Gundam could be birthed by a mortal being, and that being was punched in the stomach and force fed a whiskey/vodka/mountain dew and gasoline cocktail, this is what would be born.

This horrid thing is called an SD Gundam, meaning super deformed. Bandai thought this would appear to a younger demographic. By doing this, they left behind their loyal 40-something fans with rooms filled with plastic models. Bandai fucked their die-hard fans hard and without mercy with this release.

So remember fondly of the glorious days of Gundam where there was no talk of friendship and peace, but instead had only war, killing and skintight suits.

Something else bad, skintight suits