Math is the colloquial term for Mathamphetamine, an addictive psychoactive stimulant. In the United States, the use of math is a felony.

The effects of math over the course of a mere six months.

This guy began shooting up with doses large enough to kill a full grown man while just  a small child!

Just The Facts

  1. According to the government, more than 12 million Americans have tried math and 1.5 million are regular users.
  2. Math is cheaper than cocaine or heroin.
  3. Math can be snorted, injected, swallowed, and in extreme cases where the user has built up a tolerance, directly through the eyes.


Math use can be tragic and devistating for both the user and their loved ones. One common misconception is that you can try it "just once" to see if you like it. This is in fact very dangerous because as with Pringals, once you pop, you can't stop. In addition, math affects everyone differently and many hapless users have died from their very first hit. Those that manage to survive quickly see their lives spiral down the period doubling path to chaos.

Acute Effects

  • Euphoria
  • Seizures
  • Hallucinations
  • Blurred vision
  • Commutativity
  • Hunger for salty foods
  • Increased energy

Long Term Effects

  • Vision loss
  • Decreased sexual drive
  • Paranoia
  • Decreased muscle tone
  • Pale skin
  • Acne
  • Social anxiety
  • Lack of ability to associate

Professor Quirrell!!!

What's it like to do math?

The hallucinations during a math trip can range from terrifying to horrifying and can last for up to six hours. While every user experiances math trips differently, there are some common themes. They may hallucinate lines meeting at the point at infinity, double integrals, triple integrals, traveling salesmen, and even diagrams commuting. They may experiance their trip as a linear tranformation from one vector space to the other, or may see numbers that are clearly imaginary. For many users, their delusions follow them even after the math has worn off. This has led to mass efforts by heavy users to try to construct everything that is real just from whole numbers.


One of the oddest hallucinations reported was from a man that beleived in a shape with infinite surface area but finite volume.

This is your dick on math.

In addition to the hallucinations, there is always the danger of becoming trapped in a paradox. Some sets of math users belong to themselves, and some sets don't. But in which catagory does the set of sets of math users that belong to themselves fall in?

Warning signs your child is on math

Kids on math may run with street gangs known as "math teams." There are constant turf wars between such "math teams" that strike fear into the hearts of parents. Isolated battles may run for hours, wasting packages of pencils and erasers and taking over schools. Massive math orgys abound in some cities.

Pictured: Pythagoras

Other street names for math include: proof, conjecture, theorem, number theory, analysis, algebra, combinatorics, calculus, and in some parts of the world, maths.

An addict may possess paraphanialia such as books on math, a large number of pencils, and a TI-89 calculator. Math users often have track marks on their hands from when they accidentally stabbed themselves with a pencil during a trip.

Our first defence: the schools!

Luckily, many schools have "math classes" with the goal of turning children off from doing math. Like other health education classes, math class introduces math in such a way as to make it seem boring, dull, and for losers. There is no mention of such dangerous ideas as "conjectures" and "proofs".

So far these efforts have worked marvelously. Part of the reason for the success is that schools start the process young, most begining before kids are 5 years old. Sometimes the pressure from peers to do math is very great, especially in highschool. Remember to just say "No!"