Hybrid Animals

Hybrid animals are proof that there is nothing in nature so awful that you can't make them worse by mixing their features.

Just The Facts

  1. There are 2 types of hybrid animals; man made and those merged by the unholy hand of nature.
  2. Human made hybrids are things like mules and ligers, which are mostly lame (except for the ligers, those things are badass)
  3. Nature's hybrids are soul-scarring monstrosities that creep into your nightmares and cause you to shit your PJs.

Cracked on Hybrid Animals

Back in history, ancient cultures believed in such clearly retarded creatures as unicorns, manticores and gryphons; hybrid creatures made from various parts of other animals. Modern science has shown us that they may not have been complete idiots, though. With monsters like the gejigeji and sheepshead, we can see why the ancient world crapped its collective pants every time it encountered something other than a butterfly or kitten.

Or, you know, butterfly-kittens.

Fun (terrifying) facts about hybrid animals

Guess what? Some of these things have more than simply horrific appearances to terrify you with.

Sheepshead

All those pearly whites in the sheepshead mouth serve a purpose that we can all relate to; they use them to chomp down delicious crabs and clams. Sounds like a regular night out at Red Lobster, doesn't it? Except while your teeth are used to chew the tender bits that some nice chef has taken the time to remove from the shell, the sheepshead uses its horrifying people-teeth to crush them to death in their shells.

Monkey Slug Caterpillar

The monkey slug is the caterpillar of a moth called the Hag Moth. It is described as looking like leaf debris or the shed skin of a hairy spider. Some species can fucking sting, and the "arms" can fall off without hurting the monster insect. They hail from Tennessee.

All of these facts imply that not only did Satan have a hand in designing these things, but you will have even deeper emotional scars than Ned Beatty after it humps your butt (and being from Tennessee, it wants too)

Hoatzin

Hoatzins are also called "Stink Birds" and come from the Amazon. They are considered living fossils, which is especially impressive since these things survived since halfway back to the dinosaur extinction (about 34 million years ago), in an area crawling with anacondas and crocodiles, not to mention spiders the size of your head.

Outside of having freaky-ass babies that climb trees like lizards, they also have the distinction of smelling bad enough to literally scare away predators with their stink, much like your uncle at family get togethers that feature potato salad.

Naked Molerat

Naked Molerats are aliens, they must be. Nothing aside from dongs should look like dongs, for starters. They also feel no pain, won't suffocate in carbon dioxide rich environments, have one of the widest bites on the planet, and dig and eat with those massive teeth.

They also live exclusively on 50 lb yams in Africa, and live in a hive-structure like an ant, with a queen molerat attended to by worker molerats. Add them to the list including Ebola and genocide as being reasons to avoid that fucking continent at all costs.

Mobula Ray

These things are slightly smaller than a manta ray at 17 feet across. And yes, they do jump out of the water and "fly" for short distances, up to six and a half vertical feet out of the water. But they don't sting! Cool! No Steve Irwin style accidents for you!

Except that they can kill you. The Mobula's smaller cousin, the eagle ray, has at least one documented kill caused by blunt trauma when it flew into a woman, and it only weighed 75 pounds. Mobula can weigh a few thousand.

Gejigeji


First off; AHHHHHHHHH!!!!! KILL IT! CHRIST-FUCK-SHIT!!!! GET IT OFFF!!!!

Okay, now that we have that out of the way, the gejigeji comes from a very primitive order of centipedes. They are actually considered a good thing in Japan because the Japanese are fucking insane. We mean, because they eat shit like roaches, spiders, bedbugs, ants...

To be honest, we might actually rather have a termite infestation or even big fat house spiders instead of a half-foot-long spiderpede that catches prey by jumping on it.

Apparently, Nature evolved humans so that she would have something to scream at all of her other creations.

Less Terrifying hybrids

None of these would cause Chuck Norris to mess his pants (okay, bad example. Only a whale sized spider might do that, shortly before Chuck punched it to Japan)

Giant Pangolin

Giant pangolins are African pine cones mixed with anteaters. They are about 4 feet long, weight 75 pounds, and are armed with claws, so we won't give them too much shit and move on, with one more fact; they have no teeth. But then again, they eat ants.

Oh, and they can tear open the concrete-like termite mounds that dot Africa with their claws, so don't piss them off.

Orchid Mantis

It's part flower and part bug, and actually kind of pretty. However, they are one of those disturbing bugs that occasionally eat things with a spinal cord, like lizards. They also have a reputation for being vicious if picked up, trying to bite everything within reach.

Amphiuma and Caecillians

Amphiuma Caecillians

Both of these are amphibious frog-worms. There isn't much to say about them except they are very much like earthworms, if earthworms were related to salamanders. Oh, and the Amphiuma are known to have shitty dispositions, bite like a motherfucker, and grow to be 3 feet long.

Trilobite Beetle

These are really cool looking, like a mix between a dinosaur and a lightning bug. They can grow to be about 3 inches long, which is pretty fucking big for a beetle.

Assassin Spider


These look like birds mixed with spiders, and they have necks for God's sake. The live exclusively on other spiders, making it one of the few horrifying monsters made more horrifying by the fact that it lives exclusively on other horrifying monsters.