The Last Airbender

I for one is the true last living air bender, I am alone now. A true practitioneer of elemental warfare. Many of our kind are still alive today but has degraded into a shameful level of airbending.

Me.. In full Avatar Mode..

A very Distant Relative... But Picture is Unrelated

A degraded Kin.. Resorting to Entertainment for a Living

Just The Facts

  1. 1. The movie isn’t showing yet.
  2. 2. I did not study in a buddhist monastery, I am not a monk.
  3. 3. I studied in a catholic seminary/monastery, that makes me a monk, I guess.
  4. 4. Farters and Burpers are also Airbenders.
  5. 5. I am not unable to count the times I burped and farted while writing this article and chugging down 10 cans of soda.
  6. 6. Writing for cracked is hard, even for a “bender”.
  7. 7. I actually had my head shaved for picture taking and $50 is not worth the trouble but to hell with it, I want to write.
  8. 8. I could fill-up this article with useless facts.

Day 1. Recruitment of an Air Bender

Everything changed when a Monk came into our house in East Asia. He said he was looking for me the last of my kind, the airbenders.

Some Monk Master: 您是誰?

Me: What? I don't speak chinese.

Some Monk Master: 我正在尋找您.

Me: Stop making that shit up. I know you're just using http://www.worldlingo.com/en/products_services/worldlingo_translator.html to sound like you know chinese.

The monk kneeled in front of me. And hugged me by the legs.

Me: So are you gonna give me a blowjob or what?

The monk sacked my balls. And as curled up in extreme pain I give him the finger.

Me: I knew you understand english you monk-fucking asshole.Picture Unrelated.. I really just liked showing off my PS contest Entry

Some Monk Master: Shut up. Some dumbass reading this will actually put that text into worldlingo.com to see what you're actually typing.

Day 2. Trash Talk Only

The next day the monk shaved my head. I couldn't do anything about it. The monk knew his martial arts very well.

Some Monk Master: Let me see your Air Bending skills. The world is at war. We need you.

Me: OK here goes. I only have five techniques. But they sure as hell knocks people down.

Some Monk Master: OK. What are they?

Me: First is the High-pitched Tone Airbending Technique. Second is the Short-Hand Pain AirbendingTechnique. Third is Loud and Proud Airbending Technique. The fourth is Silent-Killer Airbending Technique. The fifth is the highest level Wet and Wild Airbending Technique.

Some Monk Master: I see, you have named your techniques very stupid names. I have never heard of those technique. You have one night to meditate and practice your skills. Tomorrow show them to me.

Day 3. The Epic Battle

We were inside an enclosed room and it was very dark.

Me: Master. I can't see a damn thing.

Some Monk Master: Shut-up. Get ready and let's fight.

Me: oh.oh

I kept silent and backed into a corner and sat. I ain't gonna let this Monk whip my ass.

Whiisshh.. Woosshh. The monk started attacking but hits only the air around him. I am safely in my corner and started my attack. I let out my High-pitched tone airbending technique I goes pppffffffffftttttttttttt….in G-minor and ppppfffffffftttt in C# (It's the kind of fart that produces a high-pitched tone, sometimes used by airbender bards) which left the monk confused and kicked something from under him which I think is his legs.

Some Monk Master: aaahhh that hurts..

Me: Shut up monk.

I heard the air whooosshing again behind me. I am no longer in the corner. So I let out a Short-Hand Pain airbending technique.. (Ppfffuutt) Which left a painful feeling in my butt only for a short while. It is the kind of Fart that makes you think a big load is about to explode but only a small amount escapes which leaves your butt aching for something to unload. It also feels like you're about to take a dump.

Sorry I can't Help admiring Milla Jovovich.. I really like this movie

Some Monk Master: hahaha I got you know…

Me: aaahh aaahh..

I don't even have to act hurt. My arse really does hurt after that technique.To confuse the Monk further I let out my Loud and Proud Airbending Technique which really leaves me really embarassed when I accidentally summoned one in public. PPPfffrrrrrroooooooooouuuuuuttt.

The Monk yelled: WTF? Are you trying to do?

While the Monk is contemplating on what actually is happening I let out my Silent-Killer Technique. ( It's the kind of Fart that you never heard about but deadly enough It's almost a Legend).The Monk never heard it coming but it hit him right up in his nostrils which even though it's dark I can almost see his Nose bleed for the brutality of my attack. The monk went down gagging and teary eyed. He really never saw it coming.

The Monk turned on the light to see whats happening. All I can see is the pure hatred in his eyes or probably envy for my high level skills.

As I yelled to shout my victory I accidentally summoned a Wet and Wild Airbending Technique (It's the type of fart which is accompanied by that wet thing) which prompted the Monk to collapse in disgust. I am never really a man in control of my elements because I have achieved a much higher level of horror when I realized that I have successfully Combined my Wet and Wild Technique with the Silent-Killer Technique.

Just giving you the idea on how the monk feels..The Monk sadly died of Extreme Exposure to Undesirable elements in my own hands. While I am recovering in a Hospital diagnose with Extreme Dyspepsia and Collosal Diarrhea.

Thus ended my days of airbending and vowed to never again used my talents and skills in public ever again.