The Sims 3

The Sims 3. Your options are simple, employ hours and hours being dull and trying in vain to create that EXACT replica of yourself. Or you can just use it to fuck with the laws of everything.

Mmm garbage steak

Why do it?

Because it's fun. There I said it. Everytime I play the game I feel like i'm constantly jumping between the boundaries of 'semi-cool male who gets laid' and 'super-nerd who gets laid. With his hand and a batman comic.'

When you first start playing you are told to outline your Sim's career choices, personality, attributes, etc. And then the game generates your desired choice. It doesn't exactly tell you what to do, but it does suggest what's best to do. As in, if you don't do it we're going to make sure your Sim dies of pixelitis.

So you start off in a poxy little house with the cheapest possible appliances, as always. But this time, you can customise EVERYTHING. Thank God for giving us sliding rails.

Those hours you spent trying to rotate those 10 pixels that make up your huge nose 36 degrees so it looks more like you will be expanded to days when you realise you can change your nostril size.

This will then turn into weeks when you realise you can also customise your clothes, and by customise i don't mean you can change the colour, i mean you can choose the style, and ANY colour.

Hell, i'm fairly sure if you look hard enough you could find a way to adjust the size, colour and style of your door handles.

This absolute control of everything means you spend most of your time trying in vain to get that exact colour of wallpaper right so your sims don't get upset, because at first your top priority is making your little virtual self happy, and that means you have to be their bitch. For now....

The only problem comes when you forget that you need to decorate the walls and subject your virtual-self to living in what is essentially a concrete box. And boy do they not like it.

Overcome with emotion

The problem with giving the player the ultimate power means that the Sims are now more emotional than ever before. They can actually have moods with their surroundings.

For example, when my Sim was living in his concrete home, i was told that he 'didn't like his new surroundings' and that this downbeat mood would last for 3 days. I presumed if this situation wasn't rectified my Sim would either stage some sort of hunger-strike or try and drown himself in the cheap bath. If this wasn't bad enough, then it suggested to me that 'maybe i should try and decorate the house'.

Well, Mr Sims-Game, maybe i don't want to. Maybe i want to subject my Sim to a life of misery and pain until his inevitable death while cooking cereal, and maybe i want the social services lady to take my bastard child away because it's been locked in a room with no windows or doors or, possibly worst of all, no wallpaper.

The majority of folks who play the Sims 3, may start out trying to honestly play the game, earn a decent slice of virtual living so you can get that virtual car you've always dreamed of, in order to bang that virtual perfect girl you created to live next door. You filthy pixelated people.

But that same honest majority will eventually break when they realise that their simulated life has become like their normal life. Namely, have a crap job on crap pay, drive a shitty car and the only thing they bang will be their neighbour's wall to tell them to keep the noise down from their top-of-the-range sound system.

This is where the debauchery sets in...

There's no conceivable way we can pass this fence...

Once this revelation hits you, you've opened up a door to a whole new world of simolean-based antics.

These include some of the classic acts of insanity seen here

The obvious ones are removing the ladder from the pool while your in it; putting a sofa (highly flammable) in front of a fire and then removing/placing another sofa in front of the door.

Of course there's the classic stopping-all-bodily-functions move. Which is great because you have total power and the brilliant but somewhat un-nerving ability to turn your minion's free will OFF. So not only do you have to tell them when to go to work and to woo-hoo with your neighbour's daughter, but you literally have to wipe their ass for them. And this is made even better by the customisable-toilet paper function.

You may be reading this thinking, how can achieve this God-like status when my career as a level one criminal only pays me 4 Simoleans an hour?

Well there are a variety of cheats to enable to you create the sim-house of your dreams! Including that most expensive piece of virtual art you want because it's the most expensive thing on the game and you want to impress all of your virtual friends; because the most expensive thing you own in reality are your dusty star-trek action figures.

The Sims 3 may have new shiny bits like more interactivity with the website, customisable everything and being able to fish; but it's basically the Sims2 with attitude. Which is basically like the Sims with attitude and sex drive.