Best Nintendo Villains

Nintendo is the Disney of the console world. Invariably successful, always in the frame and rarely producing something that isn't family friendly. However, like Disney, Nintendo like to sneak in a total bastard of a villain now and then...

If you're not touching yourself over a pile of stolen treasure, then you're not villain material

Just The Facts

  1. Nintendo first started producing home video games in 1977.
  2. In 1981 they created gaming's most recognizable hero; Mario.
  3. Ever since they've been trying their damnedest to make a bad guy that can measure up.

Mother Brain (Metroid)

She's the merciless leader of a band of cut-throat terrorists, hiding deep in her underground layer as her vast army of dangerous fanatics seek the means to build a weapon with which they can hold the world to ransom. She is very much the Osama Bin Laden of outer space. Not at all bad for a brain in a jar.

Not the most charismatic of terrorist leaders...

Unfortunately, no matter how smart you are, a brain in a jar is still just a brain in a jar, and it didn't take bounty hunter Samus Aran long to discover Mother Brain's key weakness; a shitload of missiles.

Step 1: Missile in face. Step 2: Repeat step one as needed.

Mother Brain and her trademark henchmen would make a return in Super Metroid, where, once again, a propensity towards being shot in the face would be the undoing of all of them.

In the Captain N: The Game Master cartoon series, Mother Brain would head the bill as the lead antagonist, where, for want of any actual comedy, she was given the voice of a sassy black woman, which was an acceptable substitute at the time.

Hahaha... racist.

Death (Castlevania)

When skirt-wearing, whip-wielding glamour model Simon Belmont travels to Dracula's castle in order to administrate some fabulous justice, you'd be forgiven for thinking that vampires would be at the top of his list of things to worry about. You'd be wrong. Dracula is so well connected in this game that Death himself serves as his bodyguard.

When not posing for heavy metal album covers, Death likes to relax by making you miserable.

Death was one of the most frustrating villains in video game history, and we don't mean that in the nebulous 'death awaits us all' kind of way, but in the 'death is a total tool that won't stop throwing stuff at me' kind of way.

Such a tool

A lot of the blame can be laid on Castlevania's apparent murderous hate of anyone who wanted to play it. In a time before save points and regenerating health, Castlevania took great delight in finding ways to kill you that were only possible to avoid if you didn't actually play the game. By the time you eventually reached Death, chances are you were a shaking, pale, shell of your former self, so used to the idea of defeat that the words 'Game Over' had been etched into your vision forever. In many ways, Castlevania was a metaphor for life; you spend your days trying not to knocked off of the stairs by crows, and then Death comes along and fucks you.

Dr. Wiley (Megaman)

Dr. Wiley makes it onto this list because he was the first bad guy to animate his eyebrows.

Awesome

The Dog from Duck Hunt

Is an absolute fucker. End of story.

Laugh it up you bastard. I'm leaving you here to die.

Sonic (Sonic The Hedgehog)

"Wait a minute!" We hear you cry, even though we shouldn't be able to because that's not how topic pages work. "Sonic is neither a villain nor a character that debuted on a Nintendo system! You are all lying whores who should have their lips stapled to a rhino's asshole!" To which we reply; chill out, dude, seriously, it's just a fucking article, its not like we banged your sister or anything, even though we did, FACE!

Anyway...

He's the hedgehog with attitude! And shoes!

Sonic was Sega's Great Blue Hope when it came to finding a mascot character that could take on Mario. He was a video game character for the nineties, with super speed, a streetwise attitude and an awesome pair of sneakers. For a very long time the two wrestled furiously for the title of Most Awesome Thing Ever in the hearts and minds of boys who had yet to discover sex. These days nobody really cares whether Master Chief has a bigger dick than Solid Snake, but in the nineties Sonic Vs Mario was the basis for some of the most violent and brutal playground brawls in history. So in this respect, Sonic was truly Nintendo's greatest villain.

I didn't know what a nerd boner was when I was nine, but this picture would have given me one

However, as in all great wars, there must eventually be a loser. And, after a battle both epic and glorious, Sonic conceded defeat. The super-speeding hedgehog became something of a nomad when Sega stopped producing home consoles, liberally whoring himself around systems that were formerly rivals. Though Sonic still titles many games, he is no longer the giant he once was, having failed to master 3D gaming environments with the grace of his counterpart Mario.

Most humiliatingly of all, Sonic now finds himself appearing in crossover games alongside Nintendo characters, where, suddenly, his super speed and bad-boy attitude is made a mockery of by falsetto Italians and retarded dinosaurs. One can only weep at this bitter circle of hell the blue crusader finds himself in. Yes, we fanboys of the nineties fantasized about Sonic and Mario dukeing it out in a straight fight, and yes we would have sold our underdeveloped balls to play a game that featured such a conflict. But not like this. Never like this.

Sonic! Nooooooooooooooo!