The X-Men VS. The Justice League

Perhaps the best-known superhero teams are the X-Men and the JLA (There's also the Avengers, but seeing as how they have a Norse God and sometimes the Hulk, the battle seemed a bit unfair). Being a teenager, I had to ask: who would win in a fight?

Be warned.

Pssh. Whatever

If he stumbled upon this fight, everyone would be dead within nanoseconds.

Just The Facts

  1. The X-Men is a team of mutants who are hated by the general population.
  2. The JLA is a team of heroes generally hated by non-fans of Superman and other idiotic heroes, Batman excluded.
  3. But I'm not biased or anything.

The Set-up.

Well, Superman was being a general dick again-

Superman:

It's actually not that rare of an occasion

When the news reports about the Mutant Registration Act. Deciding to persecute mutants before they start persecuting ALIENS, Superman gets the JLA together and says they need to go to the Xavier Institute. They agree, with a sense of reluctance.

Ross Aquaman.jpg

I'm useful!

When they get there, they are confronted by the X-Men, who do not take too kindly to superheroes messing with the students. Understandable. Let's see how they stack up.

The Useless Heroes. (Dazzler vs. Aquaman)

vs Aquaman is shown concentrating and looking over his right shoulder. Concentric rings are shown coming from his forehead as a special effect related to his telepathic control of fish.

FISH! Attack the Light Girl!

Strengths

Dazzler can like... turn sound into light..... So she can... blind Aquaman? I guess she has that one useful power where she shoots energy blasts from her hand.

A cheaper Dazzler

Aquaman can breathe underwater, right? So there's that.... He can talk to fish, too.

Spongebob-squarepants.png

Aquaman

Weaknesses

They both suck.

The Result

Dazzler, only because her powers might have some sort of effect on something.

Make ME a sandwich, Aquaman

The Brains of the Bunch (Dr. Xavier vs. The Green Lantern)

JeanLucPicard.jpg vs.

Same thing, basically.

Strengths

Charles Xavier can read and control minds. I mean, that's pretty useful, especially when he learns of the Green Lantern's next moves. Or trick him into running in a daisy field (see weaknesses).

Lord Voldemort

Cheaper, albeit more evil, Xavier. Actually, Voldemort's kind of more like Magneto.

The Green Lantern, on the other hand, can create a whole bunch of objects, provided that they're not yellow. So a giant jackhammer could end the fight prematurely. There's also--- no, that's it. Well, he's slated to be played by Ryan Reynolds, who's married to Scarlett Johansson. That's not really a power, unless you say that the Green Lantern is unnaturally lucky (like I do.)

Falling hare bugs.jpg

The Green Lantern on a budget.

Weaknesses

Charles Xavier has a major weakness: he can't walk. I know that he's extremely powerful, but when you get right down to it, if the Green Lantern's shooting a bunch of missiles at you, you need to be able to run. Unless he's got some secret turbo engine on their, he'll be in trouble. Unless-

You see, the entire battle really rests on Xavier's choice of clothing. If he wore a brown turtle neck with tan slacks, we can kiss the good professor goodbye. But if he decided to stop being such a square and wear a yellow T-Shirt, the Green Lantern is doomed.

CharlieBrown.jpg

The Green Lantern meets his match.

The Result

The Green Lantern, because Xavier would never wear yellow.

You fool!

The Fast Guys (Nightcrawler vs. Flash)

vs.

For other uses of the term "Flash" look up Exhibitionism on Wikipedia

Strengths

Nightcrawler can teleport, which is pretty useful in a fight, no matter who you're fighting against. His tail is also a handy weapon, and in fact, so is he. He's also pretty good with a sword, which people don't do enough of these days.

Compensates better than truck balls

The Flash is fast, though. Nightcrawler better be ready to teleport instantly lest he get bitch slapped a million times per second.

A peregrine falcon looks on at the Flash with awe.

Weaknesses

Nightcrawler is devoutly Catholic and a chivalrous man. While this might make him better with the ladies (the second part anyway; when people talk about the sex lives of Catholics, it's almost never positive), but if the Flash decides to be a pansy and "beg" for mercy, he could catch Nightcrawler off guard.

Mercy?

Meanwhile, the Flash is probably distracted by how unsatisfied his wife was with the 0.00025 seconds of sex the night before, despite it being a new record. (He's fast in MANY ways).

Ha Ha Ha, I mock you.

The Result

The Flash, simply because he can move too fast to be seen, while Nightcrawler leaves a conspicuous cloud of smoke whenever he arrives.

Damn

The Go-to Girls (Storm vs. Wonder Woman)

vs.

Tell the truth!

Strengths

Storm controls the weather. Can YOU the control the weather? Didn't think so.

TWClogo.svg

Nothing like Storm

Meanwhile, Wonder Woman... makes you tell the truth.... (?)

Again, nothing like Wonder Woman

Weaknesses

Well, Storm.... was portrayed by Halle Berry... Who was in Catwoman.... So, yeah...

Meowch

Meanwhile, Wonder Woman's.... "Powers"... are gone when a man ties her up. Now, while Storm isn't a man, Nightcrawler would probably be up to the task.

Except.

The Result

Storm, mainly due to those ridiculous metal arm bracelets Wonder Woman wears.

Damn...

The Tech Guys (Cyclops vs. Batman)

vs.

In this context, the battle seems rather one-sided.

Strengths

Cyclops shoots lasers from his eyes. Unfortunately, this is a non-stop process, so he wears a nifty visor that lets him shoot them at will. Other than that, he----

Cyclops fight!

Batman, meanwhile, has no powers. Of course, he's an expert fighter and has a bunch of awesome gadgets. (He also might be gay, but that's up to you to decide if it's a strength or weakness).

Don't laugh. He's one of the three people who could kill Chuck Norris (the others being Jet Li and Stephen Hawking).

Weaknesses

Well, Cyclops is kind of in the dark (literally) if he loses that visor. He has to close his eyes or risk destroying the entire damned mansion. He's also kind of a jerk.

He also sometimes dresses like this


Editor's Note: That's James Marsden, not Cyclops.

Batman, on the other hand, has a thing against killing. Cyclops, being an X-Man, probably wouldn't flinch if he killed an attacker.

It doesn't help that Batman is no good with his own children.

The Result

Batman. You know why? Because he's the goddamn Batman, THAT'S why.

File:GoddamnBatman.jpg

See? Even BATMAN says it.

The Most Powerful Beings in the Universe (Jean Grey vs. Martian Manhunter)

vs.

Mars is bigger than Phoenix.

Strengths

Jean can---------- Jean can do basically anything when she sets her mind to it, really.

Like Dr. Manhattan without the blueness or the nudity. (That's Mystique)

Martian Manhunter can also do---- basically anything. Superman called him the most dangerous being on Earth. SUPERMAN!!

He was wrong of course, but still.

Weaknesses

They probably have some, but I'm too lazy to research (read: Wikipedia) it. I'll just say they are lactose intolerant.

Also effective against Hal Jordan!

The Result

Jean Grey, because she's BEEN IN MOVIES!

They don't even have one PLANNED for this guy.

That Cheap Jerkwad who literally can't die!!!!!! (Superman vs. Wolverine)

vs. A man with grizzly hair wearing a tank top shirt, with three metal claws in front of his face. Below his chin is the title "X-Men Origins Wolverine", the film credits and the release date, May 1.

Yeah. I went there.

Strengths

Superman can run faster than the Flash, see through things, fly, has super strength, heat vision and the ability to disguise himself with a measly pair of glasses.

Superman 296.jpg

This IS Superman

Most important is his near invincibility, which makes him bullet-proof, fireproof, waterproof, vacumm-of-space proof, and pudding-proof.

The proof is in the.... get it?

Wolverine, meanwhile, has metal claws, an unbreakable skeleton and is completely invincible.

Marvelwolverine.jpg

He can still get lost in a jungle, though.

Weaknesses

Did you note the "near invincibility" for Superman? (If you didn't then you're no comic book fan, not even a novice like me). You see, Superman is susceptible to: Kryptonite, certain viruses, lead, magic and (?) red sunlight.

Damn.

Wolverine? The bastard has APPARENTLY one weakness-

Ok, so a Sentinel killed him in an alternate universe, but I can't find the image...

The Result

Wolverine. Because he'd eventually get the idea to trick Superman into the Danger Room and could expose him to red sunlight... Or Dr. Strange could see the whole event on the news and eventually decide to help out... Or the Hulk (who really is more powerful than Superman seeing as how he too can not die) gets wind of it and joins in.... Or Thor does... Or Reed Richards manufactures synthetic Kryptonite and gives it to Iron Man for him to use... Really, Marvel is so diverse and full of helpful characters in these sorts of situations that it's really only a matter of time.

And no one likes Superman. He has an entire website dedicated to pointing out how big of a dick he is.

The Final Battle

Aquaman storms into the Mansion first as a distraction. After hearing his vague and empty fish-related threats the X-Men send out Dazzler just to mess with him and the two have a quasi-epic battle that damages the side table.

Kind of like this

Professor Xavier notices that a guy is making a giant, green robot to capture the fellow mutants. He wheels outside to confront the Green Lantern only to read his thoughts, "Thank God he's not wearing yellow!" Before he can change, the Green Lantern flattens the Professor with a hammer.

Ha Ha

Nightcrawler holds his own against the Flash for a while, and even gets a few cuts in, but eventually Flash just takes his sword and stabs Nightcrawler in about one nanosecond.

Then he ran off and slaughtered an Alien Race.

Wonder Woman flies by in her invisible jet, which crashes in a lightning storm that incinerates Wonder Woman's wrists. Meanwhile, Batman beats the shit out of Cyclops. This is hilarious.

Christian Bale wearing a business suit. vs.

Well, it still seems one-sided, but Batman's got the upper hand.

Meanwhile, Jean mocks Martian Manhunter's ridiculous name and lack of upcoming films. MM loses focus and Jean vaporizes the shit out of him.

If the other DC heroes thought they were safe, they obviously hadn't met Wolverine, complete in yellow spandex. (He ditches this and looks completely hetero after killing the Green Lantern). Meanwhile, a crippled Professor X learns of Superman's multiple weaknesses and astrally projects himself to the various Marvel heroes who can stop him.

Superman is a little peeved with Wolverine and progressively drops him from higher heights. Before Superman can throw him into space, Spiderman swings by with his new Kryptonite webbing, effectively "killing" Superman. This is hilarious.

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Tune in next week for Hugh Jackman vs. Perry Cox!