Zombie Apocalypse

The zombie apocalypse could happen at any moment. Will Christianity and your anal virginity survive?!

Given the chance I think he'd still molest an altar boy.

Just The Facts

  1. Over 80% of people in the world believe God exists.
  2. Over 100% of people are edible.
  3. Fat people can count for more than one person.
  4. Sex with zombies who are eating fat people is a sin according to 26% of people polled.

Twelve Commandments You Will Break During a Zombie Apocalypse

The zombie apocalypse will happen. When it does, a testament to what kind of person you are will be left for future generations who will never exist because everyone will be eaten.

A vast majority of the people in the world believe a God exists (over 80% according to statistics). Many of them read the Bible and believe in the commandments given to us directly from God. Indeed, many of our laws today are based on these simple concepts.

So what happens when the fundamental foundations of our society are handcuffed to the basic tenets of human survival at a time when we become a delicious zombie buffet? An epic death match between your morals and your unwillingness to be digested by a roving pack of brain-seeking girl scouts!


#1. Thou Shall Have No Other Gods Before Me.

This is not just the first commandment; it is also the first commandment you are likely to break. If given ten minutes of fighting off the hungering dead you would be more than willing to build a shrine to your .12 gauge or machete. And after a week of eating beef jerky, and drinking from potentially zombie-juice filled sewer drains, you will not only worship, but sacrifice puppies to the abandoned and only partially-raided 7/11.

This is not even taking into account that if you are bitten and turn into a zombie. The voodoo witch doctor controlling the hordes may ask for you to do some "worshipping". Let's just hope he isn't into necrophilia. But really, who isn't?

#2. No Graven Images

We don't know about you but when we fire a machine gun into a horde of moaning, decaying shambling hookers or zombies we can't help but occasionally recreate the likeness of God.

#3. Thou Shall Not Take The Name Of The Lord In Vain

This will likely be the hardest commandment to break depending on your interpretation. Often it is believed this means not to swear using the name of God, Jesus and the Holy Ghost. Have you ever fired a crossbow with a grenade attached to it and not said "Fucking Christ, God, Holy Ghost on a choking toddler"? That is what we thought, hypocrite.

Besides, this commandment is really about committing acts on God's behalf. If you're of the belief that hell is full, and the zombies have risen because of this no vacancy, you'll likely smite them in the holy name of the lord, thereby breaking the commandment in the belief you are the righteous, zombie skull-fucker of the Almighty. If you're a heathen, or have quite recently become an atheist due to being chewed on by grandma (and not the sexy kind of chewing), then you will not likely possess any qualms with using His name in vain. Unless you are one of those super PC freaks. In which case, fuck you.

No amount of swearing, blasphemous or otherwise, is sufficient in some situations.

#4. Remember The Sabbath, Keep It Holy

When you're mucking through the forest fleeing hordes of rabid brain chewers the last thing you're really going to do is take some down time to honor a day of rest because someone need a little nappy nap after creating the universe. In addition to giving your pursuers a whole day to shamble closer to your sweet sweet body meat, you are likely too busy stopping to burn churches or urinate on depictions of the creator of said devourers of your nummiest bits.

Sooooo you guys want to stop and pray?

#5. Honor Thy Mother And Thy Father

So you wake up on, unbeknownst to you, apocalypse day and come up from the basement after changing out of your Twilight pajamas to get yourself a bowl of Captain Crunches' Crunch Berries, maybe have a nice slice of grapefruit, and come to find that there is absolutely zero beer left to make your cereal. After twenty minutes of vehement nerd-rage, your ingrate of a mother shuffles into the room and groans at you. She takes a swipe at your face and lunges at you baring her rotting teeth, breath smelling of month old fish (but when does your mom not smell like that? Zing!) Flexing forearm muscles toned from years of World of Warcraft and masturbation, you cave in her skull with the waffle iron in one blow. Your dad comes tearing into the room, yelling at you about the zombie hordes, and how he barely got away without a bite himself when you clobber him as well until you're sure he won't be able to tell anyone what you did to your mom.

At least you didn't break the toaster over anyone's head?

#6 Thou Shall Not Kill

Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

#7 Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery

There will come a time, during the end of days, that you will find a lady or gentleman that would be best suited for repopulating the island you plan on naming after yourself, or maybe just someone to snuggle deeply with right before you are eaten. She/he/it may already have a significant other, but considering the sudden lack of folks willing to sleep with you without eating your face off (kind of like German hookers today) you can't really let a little thing like already being married get in the way. Don't be afraid to use force either.

Why yes! This does smell like chloroforrrr...

#8 Thou Shall Not Steal

As you well know, supplies will be hard to come by and by supplies we mean everything: bullets, water, food, and even drugs. There will be no room for negotiating or trading your children for some heroin from the roaming packs of bandits. After all, they will probably take your children and leave you without the drugs anyway. This leaves you with no alternatives but stealing or farming and let's face it, farming is for sissies. Stealing will not only become a part of your life, but your main form of garnering supplies for survival.

I will give you an 8-ball, not rape you or not take your boots for the giggly kid. Pick one.

#9 Thou Shall Not Bear False Witness

Your family is on the run, but cousin Ed weighs 450 pounds and has a bum ankle. You can either continue to carry him in the homemade rickshaw made of a wheelbarrow and your quickly crumbling will, or you can claim he was bitten by a zombie to convince the group to put Big Ed down. Now Ed will likely profusely disagree as soon as he gets himself unstuck from the wheelbarrow and finds a place to set down the 3 gallon jug of Hershey's syrup he's been forcing you to haul as well. You will lie. You will lie your ass off and shoot Ed.

#10 Do Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Wife

As previously discussed sometimes you need a hottie to rebuild the world's fuck-trophy supply and sometimes your neighbors wife happens to be an ex-navy seal with a gun depot in the basement. In either case you will covet her, her rifle collection and her fully supplied bomb shelter.

How many dudes can you fit in your bunker, Mrs. K?

#11 Do Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Slaves

During a catastrophic zombie outbreak you are going to need diversions, scouts and potentially food. One of the best places to find all of these? Neighborhood children. They mowed the lawn, they did the dishes, the laundry and constantly threw bags of flaming dog feces onto your moms porch. All of these qualify them as slave status. You now have an opportunity for revenge on them, and their sexy mom, for all the past transgressions in a way that only a zombie-filled, lawless world will allow.

#12 Do Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Donkey

I wish I could quit you.