Juggalos

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Just The Facts

  1. Juggalos are strange clownfolk
  2. They have terrible taste in everything. Life, music, showering, etc.
  3. They can't distinguish between music and a complete fucking lifestyle.
  4. They are legally considered a gang in several states.

The horror....

Juggalos aren't your average people. They may not actually be people at all. They're the followers of a (band? group? travelling BDSM clown sideshow?) know as the Insane Clown Posse. For some reason, they have trouble with the idea that two guys in clown make up are not role models. They're generally large, unkempt, and fully outfitted with the latest designer clown paint (or cosmetics stolen from their mother while she's passed out after a date with cheap whiskey and a few truck drivers). Be warned: they are every fucking where. Luckily they're easy to spot.

Get to know your Juggalo.

Here are a few clues that you may be dealing with a Juggalo

  1. Clown paint. They will wear this all the time.
  2. A distinct odor of failure and sweat.
  3. Use of the phrase "down with the clown".
  4. A blank stare.
  5. The sound of two crackers from Detroit wailing as though they're trying to encourage whales to mate

Recorded sightings.

I live in North Carolina, and as a trailer park is a breeding ground for the Juggalo population, there are many in this area. I have had several run-ins.

  • While I was on probation for some traffic violations (lots of traffic violations), my probation officer asked me if I was involved with any gang activities and proceeded to name off some local gangs. Much to my surprise and amusement, the Juggalos are considered a gang here and are arrested if there are too man of them in one place.
  • I once worked at Hot topic for a very brief time. I was fired because when I told a Juggalo that I wasn't into ICP, he threatened to kill me and unleashed a barrage of expletives that I haven't heard since recess in fifth grade. Since the customer is always right, my retaliation wasn't tolerated.

In closing

There are no known means of destroying a Juggalo. Soap will frighten one off for a short time.