Last Minute Trips

You're there thinking "WTF?? Trip?? I don't have time to pack". Well lucky for you, my credited researchers and I have developed the top 5 things you should bring or do during a last minute trip(30-90 mins from when you were told about it).

#5 Stay Calm While Packing

Come on now, its a friggin trip. This isn't some great escape plan to some remote island because the FBI found out where you live because they traced your credit card number on a porn site or something. Pause, breathe in, breathe out. Always remember that this is (probably) going to be fun and you're probably gonna see a lot of bikini-wearing-chicks on the beach. I repeat, A LOT OF BIKINI-WEATING-CHICKS. Hell, who needs to pack when the fact that you're gonna be surrounded by exotic babes circulate your brain? I say that you shut your mouth, get your lazy ass on the car and get yourself some edible underwear. Happy?

Just remember to pack light and only bring the essentials you need. Condoms, lube, dildos. Yup, that's about all you need you faggot. Seriously, just bring the things you need. I-Pods, PSP's, your dad's HD TV is a big no-no.

See? Put on a smile

Dont panic. You wouldn't want to stuff your mom's blood soaked panties instead of your handkerchiefs in your bag now do you?

#4 Don't take a Bath

Now, you packing your things will probably take you about 30 minutes to about an hour depending on how much shit you actually want to bring. And whoah guess what, the trip is in an hour so you just missed your flight and thus causing your mom a mental and physical depression. Well hold up, why not buy yourself more time to actually prepare your things and not miss your damn flight? Hmmmmm, lemme see.. How about don't take a bath? That's logical. I mean, nobody knows who the hell you are or where you live. Nobody knows where you came from. Nobody knows what your nationality is. Aside from the airport staff, your safe to bet that 90% of the people that passes by you in a foreign country wouldn"t care less about how you smell.

Smelly tourists are becoming a bliss so don't give a **** on what other people think.

#3 Eat and Drink

Another reason why you should not give a damn on your hygiene when your traveling. You want more time to fill your stomach with food. Dont eat those sick junk food they sell you in a dark alley, but eat real food for your sake (and others). Real homecooked food made by your hot mom (zing!). Before you travel, you want some food and water in your system (especially if your trip is scheduled early in the morning).

Here are the reasons why you want need food in your stomach before traveling (just not too much):

1. Most airplane food sucks (back of the plane, anyone?)

2. This helps you avoid feeling sick to your stomach (Trust me. I tried). And please for the love of Moses don't make other people smell your vomit for the next 5 hours or so.

3. Being hungry on a long trip sucks.

And no, when I meant drink, I meant drink some H2O. And no, that is not some alcohol brand you sick fuck.

#2 Always Remember to take a Piss and if possible, a Dump

Remember, your running late. It's a last minute trip. You don't have time to take a piss in the airport or wait to board the plane.

Before you leave, you want to take a piss for obvious reasons. Holding your piss in your bladder may cause some unhealthy thing waiting to happen. I don't know , I'm not a Doctor yet so gimme a break.

Imagine this, you're in the airport when suddenly, you feel like pissing and taking a huge dump. You try to move as fast as you can to get to the nearest toilet but everything single cubicle is out of order. Then right then and there, you shit and piss your pants at the same time. Whew, you made a huge mess mister. Then the airport police captures you and interrogates you in their dark room. And guess what?, because of your failed initiative to use the Little Mens room before you left, you and your family misses their flight and commits suicide by jumping to one of the jet engines of a plane.

Now how's that for a family retreat?

#1 Dont forget your Wallet

You would be shocked to know how many people who travel forget to bring their wallet. Without it, your fucked. Plain and simple. And remember, mommy and daddy can't always fund for you. Once you get lost, your screwed. No money, no ID, no anything. Sounds like the next chapter in your book of screw-ups eh?

Yep those are about it. So the next time your parents book a last minute trip, you better be ready and on your toes after reading this.