Swimwear Guide

Like most clothing, people who wear swimsuits fall into three categories: those who rely on their functionality, those who want to be stylish, and those who want to ruin them.

Just The Facts

  1. Bar Rafaelli looks good in a bikini.
  2. Marisa Miller would look good in a bikini, if she ever intended on wearing one.
  3. Fat people and old people generally ruin swimsuits.
  4. Richard Simmons generally ruins everything.

The Success (and Failure) of the Swimsuit

The success of the swimsuit relies on a few simple concepts:

1) Everyone likes to see attractive people naked.

2) It is inappropriate to be naked outside.

3) Be almost naked and it's okay!

These simple rules make it easy to be successful in a swimsuit. However, it also makes it easy to be a complete failure. This line between succeeding and failing depends primarily on that "attractive" clause.

The swimsuit's major successes include the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit catalogue and Baywatch. The swimsuit's major failures include fat people and old people.

A Few Awesome Quotes about Bikinis

"For a while I was on the cover of every Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, which was regarded as the pinnacle of success in America." - Elle Macpherson

"It's important to find one that complements your body and not try to fit into something that doesn't work." - Kathy Ireland

"A girl in a bikini is like having a loaded pistol on your coffee table - There's nothing wrong with them, but it's hard to stop thinking about it." - Garrison Keillor