Popped Collars

The upturned, or "popped" collar has exsisted for centuries. It was once a (deadly) fashion trend, then a "practical" sports adaptation, and now again is a fashion trend once more.

Somehow, this seems like a good idea.

Would you want this man to father your grandchildren?

He was allowed to breed, and the trend was allowed to continue.

Just The Facts

  1. Upturned collars have exisited in fashion since the 19th Century.
  2. H.G. Wells is quoted as writing that upturned collars "made [the] neck quite sore and left a red mark under [the] ears."
  3. These killed people.
  4. Tennis shirts were designed by René Lacoste to shield the wearers' necks from the sun.
  5. The only time the collar should be worn this way is while playing tennis.

Scientific Justification of the Popped Collar

Minutes of meticulous and ground-breaking scientific research have led to the following conclusion; "popped collars" are an evolutionary imperative. Much like the red, black and yellow stripes on a coral snake that warn us that it is poisonous, or the male peacock's tail-feathers display that signals his desire to bone, the poppers of collars have no more control over their flapping scraps of cloth than tigers do over their stripes. It has been demonstrated that both the wearing of a tennis shirt when not playing tennis, and the spastic arm movement that ultimately results in a "popped collar" are compulsory actions embedded in the genetic code, similar to a dog eating it's own poop. In this case, the "popped collar" is a signal to potential mates, saying, "I am a complete and total douche, and as such, I am unsuitable for breeding". Since "popped collars" have existed for centuries, and continue to exist, it is clear that the message has not been completely effective. In order to preserve the purity of the human gene pool and continue our evolution in a forward manner, we must eradicate "popped collar" syndrome at the source. Simply put, we must sterilize everyone who exhibits "popped collar" syndrome. This is the most humane way to approach the problem, as those afflicted will not even realize that anything has changed, and will be allowed to live out their lives in a drunken stupor and never pass on this horrific condition. If we implement this policy now, worldwide, we can eradicate these tainted genes within three or four generations and help humanity reach a genetic utopia.

Popped Collar FAQ

Q. I thought popped collars were cool; shouldn't I do it in order to be cool?

A. No, they are not, nor have they ever been "cool"

Q. But I see people with "popped collar" syndrome with women, I want women too. Won't popping my collar help me find someone to bone?

A. While it's true that some females misinterpret the "popped collar" signal, and gravitate towards the afflicted; these women are unsuitable as mates or for any kind of skilled labor as they have no judgment, fine motor skills, and are infected with multiple STDs.

Q. Am I allowed to pop my collar while playing tennis/golf/polo/etc.....?

A. Yes, but realize that playing these sports already hurts your chances of finding a suitable mate. You can counter this by un-popping your collar, or wearing a real shirt when not partaking in your preppy sport of choice. Better still, pick a sport that involves testosterone such as rugby, MMA, or catching lawn darts with your teeth as these are proven to be much more attractive to potential mates of quality.