Ted Nugent

Ted Nugent was a hardrock musician. He is now a sheriff, author, and collector of animal skulls. He is known for his bowhunting skills and camouflage wardrobe.

Document borrowed from Mr. Nugent's mailbox by author.

If God elected one human being to remain on Earth after the rapture, it would be Ted Nugent.  He could repopulate by sheer will.

Just The Facts

  1. Has never worn underwear not made out of leather.
  2. From 1975 to 1980 Nugent released four Platinum records and two Gold records. No album has charted since 1980.
  3. Credits his guitar playing ability to the range of motion allowed by constant sleevelessness.


After leaving his original band the Amboy Dukes, the Nuge began a wildly successful five year career, melting faces around the globe with his guitar, and impregnating women around the South with his penis. He was well known for his tender, passionate love ballads, including the hits "Thunder Thighs", "The Harder They Come (The Harder I Get)", and "Wang Dang Sweet Poontang".

On the dawn of January 1st, 1981, Ted awoke to find that all of his fans had simultaneously overdosed or begun listening to Kim Carnes.

That day he moved into the woods, built a house with his own hands, and began handmaking his own loin cloths to sell to his fanclub. As he no longer had a fanclub Ted made his own, fathering dozens of children with, it is assumed by scientists, dozens of women.

Reality TV

In 2006 Ted emerged from the forest, wild eyed and insane, to take part in the reality show "SuperGroup" on VH1 or MTV or Much Music or whatever.

He joined Sebastian Bach, Scott Ian, the not famous son of a famous guy, and some other dildo in creating a hard rock band.

After many terrible ideas for names were thrown around, the band decided on the best suggestion: Damnocracy, as it evoked the most patriotism and was the 'sweetest'.

The band played one show at the end of the television program. All members became intensely close as men can only do at a glorified Boy Scout Sleepaway, and vowed to keep rock 'n' roll alive by continuing to get drunk and play more cover songs together.

Their plans were shit-canned however, when Mr. Nugent refused to take time out of his hunting schedule and filled his cellphone with urine before breaking it against a deer's head, thereby rendering him unreachable by telephone.

Ted Nugent Quotes

These sentences were mentally constructed and spoken publically by Ted Nugent.

"I am Rosa Parks with a Gibson guitar."

"That's a liver. That's mystical. You and I can't make livers. Things banging don't make livers. This is mystical stuff. This is magic. This is perfection."

"Besides, apartheid isn't that cut-and-dry. All men are not created equal."

"I don't objectify women. I'd like to think I'm optimizing their hardware."

"...God I love that statement! What did I just say?"