American Football: For Those Who Don't Know Nor Care To Know

American Football; A sport so unoriginal they just put American before football and so boring that the match is interspersed with hundreds of boring ads that make an even more boring match slightly less boring. FOOTBALL!!!!

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Offense

Now, I'm no doctor so please don't take what I say here as pure fact but please accept it as the truth!

From what I know of American Football, which is just watching five minutes of the last super bowl and the intermittent 30 minutes of ads (gotta love those ads, mmm that's damn fine coca cola!!), I will outline the general idea of the offense's main goal.

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Back to the offense's main goal. The ball is thrown to the Nancy, some may contest this name and call him the 'quarterback' but his main job is to avoid getting tackled by the Kissy Huggers*, who then minces around for a moment before tossing the ball to one of the Running Pansy. These guys then start running towards the 'End-Zone' where if the Running Pansy avoids all the Kissy huggers they score points and...

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..... then are afforded the chance to audition for a career in showbiz by dancing around in the end-zone, sometimes with or without the ball depending on whether they prefer props or not.

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Although it's not all sunshine and unicorns for the offense. If the Nancy or Running Pansy is tackled by one of the Kissy Huggers then there will be a break for recuperation. These recuperations are usually not shown as....

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....ads are usually shown in between. However these recuperations are usually filled with lots of sobbing, back patting and copious amounts of Celine Dion. Once recovered and tear filled tissues are discarded the players then return to the pitch

*Explained in the section; Defense

Defense

Again I must reiterate that I'm no doctor but please accept that what I say is 97-99% the truth.

The defense consists mainly of the Kissy Huggers, people will stubbornly call them 'Defensive Backs' I know, I know it's f***ing crazy names but c'est la vie. Anyhoo, the main objective of the Kissy Huggers is to.....

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....wrap their arms round the player with the ball, this is most commonly called a hug (hence the name Kissy huggers), and drag him to the ground to cover him in a flurry of kisses. Unfortunately, due to outpouring of homophobia and stubborn calls that American Football is not all about kissing men there has been an introduction of anti-kissing helmets. These helmets have been issued for 'Safety Reasons', SUPPOSEDLY!!!!

However here is a perfect hug tackle........

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......hug tackle.......

Notice the excellent teamwork by the Kissy Huggers to bring down the Nancy to give him one hell of a hug. Also notice the anti-kissing helmets at work. Preventing the player on the right from giving the Nancy a flurry of kisses.

If involved in a successful hug tackle the Kissy Huggers will then do a lot of ass slapping and more hugs between themselves.

Special Teams

The special teams is a team for the guys who aren't very good huggers or............

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......... good at running. So these players are then given the opportunity to come on at random intervals during the game to kick the ball between the goal posts for a measly ONE point!! These players are also given the chance to kick off the game at the beginning of a half or after a score, after which they scurry quickly off the pitch!!