The most ridiculous cock teases to ever come from Japan.

Hollywood retelling of a 200-page fantasy (that was written by an old white man).

Western conception of a geisha: Dangerous prostitute assassin that can twist your head off with her thighs.

Reality: Just another teenager who wanted to piss off her parents.

Just The Facts

  1. Geisha are a type of courtesan, a paid companion for a wealthy man.
  2. A geisha is an educated hot chick that speaks as an equal with men.
  3. Japanese men hire these women to entertain them at parties.
  4. Geisha are rarely used for sex.

Entertainers of men.

One thing we need to get across first: Geisha entertain Japanese men. In groups. At parties. You know what I mean. (I am winking as I write this.) In fact, geisha can entertain up to a dozen men for hours. They are paid thousands of dollars per hour in some cases for their (still winking) services.

The second thing we need to get across is the importance of this knowledge: Japanese culture is best illustrated by a robot that was God dropping brown acid, while watching a 24 hour marathon of the world's most horrifying pornography, throwing up onto a canvas (I think that's the plot of a famous anime, actually). Remember that geisha entertain men in this horrble robot-deity-puke paradigm (For examples of this paradigm, see 5 Lessons American TV Should Learn From Japanese Game Shows). So, this insanely expensive woman entertains these horny all-male audience by reciting poetry, singing, dancing (fully-clothed), playing traditional instruments, and uh...drinking tea perfectly.

You pour that hot tea. Pour it. Yeah...

Oh. Tea. That's cool.

If you're like me, you're wondering why anyone would spend the equivalent of twenty thousand dollars for a prostitute that you have to talk to for six hours. If I'm paying any woman that much, I expect to stick my penis in her duodenum. And I am taking off a hundred dollars per word she says in any language. But here is the allure of a geisha: they give Japanese men a woman they can talk to. Because the alternative is like, their wives or girlfriends or some bullshit like that.

Cigar. I love cigars. Say, are you going to be wearing clothes all night?

Some types of geisha give you cancer.

History of Geisha

The first geisha were men, and had a job not unlike a court jester. He'd juggle and dance around, tell jokes and sing. However, someone decided that it would be awesome to dress up women like these dudes and make them dance around (fully-clothed). You can still hire a Taikomochi, or a male geisha, but we submit: Why? Except perhaps to terrify your children or to hire for a prank on your buddy.

Hey Bill. Like that GAYSHA I sent you? Fag.

That's where geisha started. Clowns. Sometimes, as you might imagine, an aristocrat would bang a geisha. This is not because geisha were meant explicitly for banging. Nobles are notorious for banging whoever the hell they want, though. As Japan modernized going into the 20th century, the geisha experienced a boom in business. Thousands of men from Japan's new middle class started emulating the old nobilitry.

Many new geisha houses openned up overnight to fit the new demand and, like most things middle class has access to, they sucked. They were prostitutes who entertained men. In groups. At parties. For like fifty bucks. (A much better deal.)

Mushroom clouds resemble dicks fucking the target. This is not on accident.

What happened when the first American soldiers tried to hire a geisha and the bitch started singing.

Wait, it gets worse. When the Japanese lost the Second World War, they were occupied by lots of American young men. And these American young men didn't know how to say prostitute in Japanese, but they sure knew how to say "geisha".

Courtesy: History

Rare color footage of a geisha in Tokyo, 1946.

One American man, raised on the stories of these magic creatures, decided to write a story about them, which got turned into the most boring goddamn movie ever. To do this, he plagerized a book written by an actual geisha. But you know, his version was in English. No one could possibly discover the cunning ruse.

Modern Geisha

Geisha have recently fallen on hard times. Many reasons have been put forward for this: changing economic conditions, easy access to actual prostitutes that don't sing at you, or the pants-shitingly frightening make-up geisha wear. (They look like scary ethnic ghosts.)

You're early!

"Want some tea?"

In reality, it has more to do with the fact that Japanese married women are allowed to speak to their husbands. So a geisha's service, a conversational capacity that extends beyond her breakfast, is no longer so rare. In fact, women in Japan are educated better than most American men.

The geisha are a kind of vestigial cultural organ, hanging on for dear life as Japanese men discover that women are not classified as either baby-machines or prostitutes (they build robots for that stuff now).