Sadism can be understood in several ways. Essentially, there's scary-sadism, and there's sexy-sadism. Both kinds frighten the shit out of us.


Schadenfreude, for those of you who enjoy etymology, is a German 'loanword'. It refers to the concept of laughing at idiots who do stupid things, such as those who enjoy etymology. 'Sadism' begins with Donatien Alphonse Francois, the Marquis de Sade, who--are you listening?--was known for his philosophical and political tracts that earned him quite the reputation indeed.

de Sade was locked up for nearly thirty-two years divided amongst the Bastille, various other French prisons, and the Charenton asylum, for saying and writing some things. We forget what.

Oh, there's this:

Nature allows all, by its murderous laws;
Incest and rape, all theft and parricide,
All that sodom's pleasures, Sappho's lesbian games,
All that destroys and sends men to their graves.

Murder, incest and rape, theft, parricide--fine with us. But that verse structure has got to fucking go.


Sadism is classified as a psychosexual disorder. This means that if you enjoy the distribution of pain, you might be retarded. We don't mean BDSM, leather, whips and safewords; we mean laughing about anal fissures that you caused.

Sadistic personality disorder makes us sad.


We understand that most of you have come here expecting whips and tits. That's BDSM. We were considering a page of sweat-soaked, tower-of-power-golden-shower love (there's nothing that says 'I love you' like a stiletto to the taint), but there's no reason for that. That's just unsavoury. Instead, what we at Cracked really-I mean really-get off on, is some hot fuckin poetry:

A hand to his brow, an angel's caress,
The softness of lips, the stillness of breath.
A tender embrace on a cool summer's eve,
He takes me so gently, up onto his knee.
I take up the shears, I take them up quick,
When the moment is right I will SHEAR OFF HIS--

WHOA Jesus Christ, hold the phone. If the author of this poem is reading this, we're really really sorry we screwed you out of those royalty fees.


Let's take a test, shall we?:

  • Four (4) feet of surgical tubing
  • One (1) roll of duct tape, stretched the fuck out
  • One (1) water balloon, filled with gas
  • One (1) hefty bag, filled with bees
  • One (1) gallon, vaseline
  • One (1) bag, fresh kittens
  • One (1) gallon, fake blood
  • One (1) gallon, real blood
  • Two (2) lamb-skin gloves stuffed with pubic hair

What can you do with the above?:

  1. Make a delicious sandwich
  2. Put on the worst elementary school play ever
  3. Bad last date
  4. Involuntary kitten vaginoplasty
  5. Good first date
  6. Burn the world, rule the ashes

If you have all of these things already, DO NOT PUT THE KITTENS IN THE BAG OF BEES. If any of the above made you hard--even a little bit--let us know immediately. Also, cease any affiliation you have with the internet.

Now, Digg this article or we'll fucking kill you.