Disturbed

Disturbed is a hard rock/ metal band whose only claim to half fame is making 2 cd's that don't have the needed Explicit sticker, leading parents to buy children Satan worshipping, hell loving music. Lucifer now has over 18 million new followers.

Yes, they do believe that they look awesome like this.

Just The Facts

  1. Disturbed was formed in 1996, in Chicago, and have gone on to have four albums, the last three being consecutive #1 on the Billboard 200.
  2. David Draiman, the lead singer, was beaten to holy hell by his father, a priest. ( See what I did?)
  3. This explains so much about him.
  4. David exploited this in his father in the song "Down With The Sickness", while at the same time calling his mother a, and I quote, "Stupid, sadistic,abusive, F***ing whore". They have a great relationship. (Heavy Sarcasm at its finest)

Cracked on: Disturbed

In the beginning, God created everything we would ever invent ourselves, and the earth, which means God already had an iPod. In 1996, Lucifer created the most powerful weapon against the Lord Almighty, and named it Disturbed. They all agree that the name comes from their feeling of being forced into conformity. We at Cracked know it is because their parents were disturbed when the children, fresh out of the womb, tried to commit suicide by jumping out the hospital's second floor window. When they survived, even after cracking the pavement with the soft spot in their skull, the parents felt that if they ended up beating them daily, they would develop even better superpowers(Case in point, David Draiman's father beat him with a passion.)

The Music from Hell

The band's first album, "The Sickness", was majorly successful, despite it was only about how David's father beat him with the cross used only to purge the devil. This seems to be the major reason that Draiman has decided to pierce his chin and wear either a really thick hoop earring, or two semi-thick hoop earrings, through it.

I wasn't kidding.

They continued to complain about his being beaten for the next three albums. Their next album, "Believe", sparked their first #1 on the Billboard 200, which somehow continues to this day, despite the fact that the last two albums had the same songs on it, with the only exception being a few different lyrics. Because of these few lyrics, they were hailed as revolutionaries. The next album in their series produced even more fans, and ANOTHER #1 on the Billboard 200. It was named Ten Thousand Fists, explaining that at least five thousand people hope to beat them down in the near future. Their next album, Indestructable, proves that those same people had failed miserably, and are now hanging from their ankles, upside down, in the band members' basements. They're most recent album, Asylum, debuted in late August of 2010, bringing the band another step closer to trying to outshine every other band who decided they dislike Jesus. It contains a song called ISHFWILF, which is a cover of I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For (Hooray, Disturbed's creativity has spread to acronyms) by U2. Needless to say, they butchered it and then called it's mother to tell her they had the child and wanted a ransom. Either way it was DOA, and they made two million dollars off of it. They also decided to write a song about global warming, entitled "Another Way To Die". The song is so crappy that actually playing it in your smart car will make it pollute the Earth.

The Guy

The mascot for Disturbed is refered to as "The Guy", in another shining example of Disturbed's originality. (Read: The Guy is a name they made up whilst drunk in the hotel room.) On the back cover of their first album, "The Sickness", The Guy was just the eyes and smile of Satan peering out at you from the darkness. He has advanced to a full body, which has been drawn by Todd MacFarlane, creator of the comic, wait for it, Spawn. Assumedly, he must mean Devil Spawn, and he is now probably praying to the devil for creating such a kick ass son, and asking for a left hand throne. The right already belongs to Disturbed.

Here is the son of the devil, The Guy.

I told you so. I have to admit, that does look pretty badass.