Goofus And Gallant

Goofus and Gallant are like health class. Goofus is a dick, Gallant is a pussy.

Don't take that apple you sick little fuck. How dare you take that apple? Let it rot there or God will punish you.

Gallant reminds you that being a butt kisser makes you popular and is the only human in the world who flosses regularly.  Goofus is stupid because he doesn't go out of his way to please people who ignore him.

Poor delusional goody two shoes Gallant talks to a turtle.  The animal responds with a classic

Just The Facts

  1. Goofus and Gallant has been running in Highlights for Children since 1948, when all children were white.
  2. Goofus has officially been fucking up for 62 years while Gallant died in the cross for your sins.
  3. Gallant was murdered at his school last year when he asked for more homework before spring break.
  4. It wasn't until 2005 that they stopped drawing Goofus and Gallant on 1 ply napkins using tiny lottery pencils. Since then they switched to an even crappier and generic computer format.

Battle of good versus evil.

Highlights for Children has been around for more than sixty years and shortly after its creation in 1946, Garry Cleveland Myers and Anni Matsick created the strip Goofus and Gallant to show people that being a normal kid with slightly bad manners is pure evil while being generically robotic and awkwardly polite is akin to being an angel of the Lord.

Goofus forgot to brush his teeth, which puts him slightly below child rapist and above Dick Cheney on the Evil list.

Gallant smiles after donating his kidney to an orphan puppy.

Goofus and Gallant in Real life?

While trying to make him seem like a horrible awful idiot, the Highlights magazine always puts Goofus on the "bad" side, which honestly isn't all that bad. While Gallant seems like a nice child, any psychologist worth their salt can tell that in a few years someone will find about half a dozen bodies buried in his basement....with bite marks on the carcasses.

Evil Goofus wants to spend some quality fun time with his neglectful parents while Gallant can't wait for them to leave so he can sneak into his dad's back issues of Barely Legal.

While Goofus tries to make a few bucks to go bowling by himself, Gallant kisses his dad's ass in order to get leniency once dad finds out that the pages of his back issues of barely legal are stuck together.




One can only imagine what these two children will end up like once their fountain of youth juice runs out and they grow to be adults.

After realizing that he had Aspergers Syndrome, Goofus recieves the appropriate classroom and parenting aid he needs, goes on to become a successful artist, marries the woman of his dreams and teaches his kids that being normal isn't evil and that masturbating doesn't kill kittens.




Tired of kissing up to his parents, school and everyone else, Gallant goes on a rampage clubbing his parent like baby seals and writing, "WhY cOuLdN't YoU jUsT lEt Me Be A nOrMaL cHiLd?", on the wall with their blood. After escaping a mental hospital years later, he goes on a rampage, jumping on couches, taking the last fucking apple, drinking straight out of the faucet and boiling kittens in peanut oil. After undergoing a sex change operation and assuming a false identity he is taken in and ordained as a nun under the name Sister Mary Gallantia.