Nutella

Nutella is a hazelnut chocolate spread from Italy that's downright delicious. Some claim it's better than sex. Having experienced both Nutella and sex, we question this claim, yet we feel that either can be improved with the application of the other.

The only difference between Nutella and sex is buying Nutella isn't illegal in as many places, and is likelier to make you fat. But you're reading a Cracked article about Nutella, who are you, Lou Ferrigno?

Just The Facts

  1. Nutella is a spread made of sugar, oil, milk, chocolate and hazelnuts. Also, it is awesome.
  2. Nutella was made by Pietro Ferrero, an Italian Confectioner responsible for Ferrero Rocher, Tic Tacs, and other sweets, like an Italian Willy Wonka.
  3. There are many uses for Nutella, mostly revolving around eating.
  4. It combines the thrill of chocolate with the excitement of hazelnuts, and is over 50% sugar; the culinary equivalent of a getting blowjob while driving your Ferrari to Disneyland.

Cracked on Nutella

Nutella is a Hazelnut Chocolate Spread of Italian origin that tastes reminiscent of an orgy of angels and horny devils. It's like a chocolate Jesus came in your mouth and not at all like what you and your uncle Rico did that he made you promise not to tell grandma when she fell off her 4-wheeler.

uncle rico

What? He took you to the fair!

Seriously, this stuff is good. So good. Why are you still reading? Go buy some. We'll wait.

Welcome back. Wasn't that del-freaking-licious?

Nutella is sold in over 75 countries (so, 76) and used on all kinds of things like bread (if you're feeling unique), bagels, pretzels, waffles, donuts, crepes, ice cream, fruit, cake, nipples, basically any food you want to make more awesome. Or you can just eat it with your finger, though risk of biting off a digit increases when you eat it that way.

I ate his liver with Nutella, and a nice side of Nutella.

Nutella is so awesome that f you put Nutella on bacon it's a proven fact that Jessica Alba, Katy Perry, and Christina Hendrick's boobs will mud wrestle for the privilege of having sex with you first, because you'll have broken the awesomeness barrier. (Like the sound barrier, but awesome) Chuck Norris and Mr. T will begin posting cool facts about you on the internet. Basically you'll get to experience a slice of life as a Cracked Columnist.

Nutella makes anything you put it on better, even lesbians.

We think it's Nutella.

We're actually not sure if that's Nutella. We're not sure if they're lesbians, either, but since when has that ever stopped us dreaming?

History of Nutella

Nutella originally was created by Pietro Ferrero in the 1940s in northern Italy as a cheaper alternative to chocolate. This makes it one of the best things to come out of Italy, narrowly beating out Fascism, The Renaissance, Monica Bellucci, and this:

shit on a reel

Cracked Reader: This is much better than a picture of Monica Bellucci. Asshole.

Ferrero SpA (the Chocolate Factory) has been described as "one of the world's most secretive firms," making Ferrero himself like an Italian Willy Wonka.

Ferrero Wonka

Sono certamente non indicando a tutti i segni che stanno ritardando.

Chocolate was being rationed during World War II, because we all know how much those Nazis love their chocolate, so Pietro used Hazelnuts which were plentiful and cheaper as an alternative, no one complained.

The original version of Nutella spread was called "pasta gianduja," pasta which means paste, and "gianduja" which is the name of a carnival character famous to the region, a character that can be found in the first advertisements for the product.

Ferrero later changed it to a cream so it could be spread on the bread. Apparently, Italian kids would throw away their bread and just eat the Nutella. This then became known as "supercrema gianduja," because it was a spreadable version of the gianduja. "Supercrema gianduja" was eventually renamed "Nutella" in 1964, with the origin of the word being "nut" and the "ella" giving it a soft ending. Seriously. That's the description given on the website. We, like many of you, thought "soft ending" was something you pay extra for at the masseuse.

Nutella was first imported from Italy to the U.S. in 1983 and was initially distributed in the Northeastern part of the country. The popularity of Nutella has grown steadily over the years and it is now available across the United States. In addition, Nutella is also marketed and sold all over the world. Over 75 countries, of which Brazil's Nutella contains 0.1% more cocoa. That's not an interesting fact, we just wanted to give you this picture.

You're welcome. Does this make up for the Roberto Benigni picture? Cracked Reader: No.

From The Official Website

"When used in moderation with complementary foods, Nutella can form a part of a balanced breakfast. It can be a quick and easy way to encourage kids to eat whole grains, such as whole wheat toast, English muffins, toaster waffles and bagels. With the unique taste of Nutella, kids may think they are eating a treat for breakfast while moms are helping to nourish their children with whole grains!"

Nutella bitch

Stop enjoying yourselves, kids! She's tricking you into eating a balanced breakfast like a sucker!

"From the start, Nutella spread was well received, since it was a less expensive way for people to enjoy something that tasted so good... a kilo of chocolate at the time was 6 times the cost of a kilo of pasta gianduja. So Nutella was a product that everyone could, and did, enjoy. The product became so popular that Italian food stores started a service called "The Smearing". Children could go to their local food store with a slice of bread for a "smear" of "supercrema gianduja."

Sure, but when we invite neighbor kids over for a good "Smearing" we get added to the sex offender registry again.