Break Ups

Break ups are a lot like war-- to the victor go the spoils... sort of.

Just The Facts

  1. It's far worse to be on the receiving end of a break up.
  2. The 21st century has made breaking up as simple and painless as changing your facebook relationship status to 'single'.
  3. Prehistoric break ups were as difficult and painful as clubbing your ex with a mammoth femur.

Cracked on Break Ups

Break ups suck because despite the campaign slogan that won the hearts of many Americans in the 2008 presidential election, nobody likes change. It just outright fucks up the comfortable lifestyle and scheduled bonings you had going for the last x amount of months. Along with the loss of your Wednesday, nine o'clock sex-athon (now nine o'clock 'me time'), certain public locations will be off limits for fear of running into your ex, you'll no longer be able to ride your tandem bike without juvenile ridicule, and depending on the severity of the break up, groups of mutual friends you've grown fond of will, by law, be forced to hate you.

Hate is abewin'

Hate is abrewin'

Which brings us to another point-- when we said 'break ups suck', we didn't mean just for the two parties previously bound by sexual contract (formally signed by genitals and notarized by camcorder). Others that are close to you also will have to go through mini break ups of their own. For instance, were your respective fathers good chums during the relationship? Well, that's too bad! They can no longer go kayaking together or whatever the hell 50 year old men like to do. This, of course, does not result in a split as heart-wrenching as a break up of two lovers, but it can create sorrowful confusion for the two.

"Well, whaddya mean we can't hang out anymore!?"

And let's not forget about the therapy you will seek from anyone that will has to listen to you talk babble about your ex. Family, friends, and sometimes just trustworthy looking people on the bus have to put up with the annoying and down-right-depressing, shell of a person that you can become after a break up, consequently prompting these responses...

Typical Cliches

So, we've already established that you are not the only person to suffer from being dumped and that your friends are being punished as well. More than likely, your friends don't have any training in psychology or emotional therapy, yet they are basically handcuffed by the situation of seeing someone they care about being hurt-- they've got to say something to make you feel better. Here are some standard cliches that will serve as a rebuttal to your incessant bitching (and what they really mean).

The 'intro to psych' class your friend, Debbie, took doesn't qualify her to put up with your shit.

"There are plenty of fish in the sea."

What it's supposed to mean: "There are plenty of other people out there that you're compatible with."

What they really mean: "Get over it. There are plenty of people out there that are willing to engage in the horizontal monster mash with you... probably."

"He/She just wasn't right for you."

What it's supposed to mean: "You two weren't kindred spirits/soul mates/destined to be together."

What they really mean: "Yeah, he/she was just way out of your league."

"Just give it time."

What it's supposed to mean: "Over time your pain will fade."

What they really mean: "Over time your pain will fade because you'll be hooking up with other people."

"You deserve better."

What it's supposed to mean: "Your ex really wasn't on your level."

What they really mean: "I sincerely loathed your ex. Can you please get a better model from the dealership next time? You know, one that's not an idiot."

"Tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all."

What it's supposed to mean: "Some people never experience love, which is worse in comparison than being heartbroken."

What they really mean: "... I'm one of those people."

Cracked on break ups (A different perspective)

Break ups are refreshing. They're a nice change of pace from the monotonous lifestyle of being in a relationship, and who doesn't enjoy a little change for the better? Nobody, that's who. After all, the campaign slogan that won the 2008 presidential election wasn't 'let's keep doing the same shit'. No, it's all about change. And nothing embodies change more than new found freedom. After a break up you're free to sleep with whoever you want, spend more time with your awesome friends, and most importantly, tell your ex's friends how you really feel about them.

"Oh yeah? Well 'fuck you' right back, hooker."


If you're not on the administering end of the deal, then break ups can be devastating to you and flat out annoying to your acquaintances. Unfortunately, mankind has yet to develop a pharmaceutical remedy for the ailments of heartbreak, nor have there been any developments in starting a company like that of Lacuna inc, featured in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. So, until science catches up, the only things that will get you completely over your break up are time and/or a new relationship with something other than your hand or battery operated friend.

For terminators it's the same thing.