Top 5 Reasons You Don't Want GG Allin Watching Your Kids

GG Allin was a rock singer/song writer and roller in defecation(er). He seriously had a poop complex.

We remember him for his batshit insane antics on stage which included defecating and urinating on stage, consuming said defecation and then attacking his audience members using the military stratege of a monkey (I.E he threw the defecation that he could no longer eat or roll in at his audience members)

Seen clearly sporting a pair of Rape Glasses and The Rapsetache with a side of dog collar

Just one interaction of GG's with a child

Just The Facts

  1. GG Allin was not only the self proclaimed king of Rock n Roll, but the self proclaimed king of eating his own shit... literally
  2. He was arrested over 52 times, with multiple counts of Assault, Assault with a deadly weapon, Rape, Endangering his audience and bestiality... (and the insane defense didn't work?)
  3. He died of a drug overdose only a couple of days after appearing on a talk show where he proclaimed he was going to kill himself on stage when he had reached his peak (the crowd was secretly hoping he had reached his peak at that moment)
  4. The fucker was actualy born with the name Jesus Christ Allin - (his parents where in fact time travellers who saw his future and thought it wasn't fucked up enough)

Reason 5: The Man Is Dead

Live Fast Die? No Ressurection? And his name was Jesus?

I don't know about you but when I go to a job interview, the last thing im going to go as is a Zombie. Unless its for an extra in a George A. Romero film.

Either way, the man would be a fucking zombie...

And worse than that; the man looked like a fucking zombie when he was alive...

You see?

So imagine the clusterfuck of a situation it would turn into with him given free roam over not only your house but your children. Apart from immediately converting the basement into a Fritzl (Arguably Allins long lost brother) like rape dungeon with those carpentry skills which his given name Jesus, implies that he has; he would burn a nazi symbol into your front lawn and sacrifice the dog to the pagan god of What The Fuck? All the while the children would be crying in the corner, seriously contemplating either 1) killing themselves before they get sacrificed, or 2) Grabbing the knife out of the kitchen drawer and cutting of that dick which sure as fuck by now would be hanging free.

Remembering that the man is dead; we can only speculate that if by some astronomical shitstorm of events; an experiment went wrong, which then led to the Zombie of GG Allin being allowed to babysit your children; you better hope you find his kryptonite and fast, because im sure as shit that a bullet to the head would only sexually excite this walking, talking, sacrificing bag of bones and human excrement.

Reason 4: He Made A Living By Terrorising Children

As previously mentioned, GG Allin was insane. This is the only reason anyone really remembers him because lets be honest... his music sucked, and he knew it. This is why on nearly every interview he took part in, he continually tried to reassure us that it was not an act, he was not in costume, he was not method acting for an upcoming role in a Quentin Tarrantino film. He was simply the answer to the equation; Satan Rapes Infant + Mother Drops Infant On Head = GG Allin. Seriously, type it in a calculator or say it infront of a mirror three times and he will show up and try to ass rape your reflection.

Anyway, lets say your one of the four people in the world who are unaware of his history and so you decided, "This man looks like a trustworthy Babysitter!"

So in otherwords if your parent's were blind

And you decided to hire this man, based on his interactions with his audience, this is how it would end up.

Firstly, as he did in every concert, he would strip naked as soon as he walked in the door, maybe piss on the persian rug in the hallway or take a crap on the sofa.. or both. He would then make the children strip so he could do lines of coke off of their naked bodies. Now that he was complety fucked up, shit could really start. He would set the kids up as an audience and then go on to perform a concert for the kids where he would bash the shit out of them, most likely rape them and the dog, cut of some of his own skin and make the children eat it and finally, finish it with a bit of defecation that he would go on to eat because hey? the fridge is just so darn far away!

The kids, to traumatized to talk for the rest of their lives, would require years of counselling and really? was that night out worth all the fees?

Reason 3: His Charisma

Now while this topic has bashed GG Allin, and will continue to do so. We have to take into account the fact that the man did have charisma. I mean he made raping girls (and boys) and eating your own shit cool, and apparently legal?

While most of the population of the world understandbley wanted to murder him. Most likey in the same fashion the parents of Elm Street Off'd Freddy Krueger (who bares a large resemblance to Allin),

Much of his antics were inspired by Krueger's similar ambiton to Rape and Murder Teenage Girls

No one knows where the poo thing came from...

there were those who were drawn to him, becoming his worshipers.. his followers. Not only would they attend every show... just to be beaten up, raped and defecated on... but they would also come to his tv interviews, his talk shows... really any oppurtunity they had to defend there messiah to the masses.

And now we might be wondering what this has to do with him babysitting our children, but it in fact has everything to do with it. What if, by some needle in a haystack in a bomb threat chance, he was able to swoon your children to also became his disciples. One night of him brainwashing your children and they're his children, as he was quoted on in his last ever T.V interview "Your children are my children now".

It's a scary thought but neverless he was a scary man, somehow capable of scary things. And again I don't think a night out is worth seeing my child on national TV defending the man who eats his own poo for lolz.

Reason 2: He doesn't care if his own daughter is raped, so you think he gives a shit about yours?

Thats right! Not only did he endorse raping girls and boys with the excuse that it would make them stronger; but he gave an open invitation to the veiwers of his appearance on Jerry Springer to come rape his own daughter! When asked if, because he rapes people, would he care if someone came and raped his daughter, he laughed at the idea and then bluntly said no! He doesn't care because sure as shit it will make her a stronger person! and you know the next person who tries it is going to be shit out of luck. One bullet to the head later and the soon-to-be-rapist will be lying in a puddle of his own piss and blood (much like Allin was every night on tour)

*Side note; the entire interview, along with many others, can be found on youtube as well as the links at the bottom of the page.

So what does this mean when Allin is invited to come babysit your children? He is going to do all he can to protect them from future 'imaginary' rapists and just rape them there and then thats what. But don't worry you parents out there because now your children are safe from future attacks, and in no way would they be scarred for life or emotionally damaged..

or they would... because most likely they would have never been raped in the first place!

As defenses go, im 100% sure that; you were doing what was in the childs best interest by preparing them for all that raping they are going to have done to them, is not going to fly in a court or law or when you face the man you were named after!

If only Frtizl's victims had met Allin before being locked away for so many years!

Reason 1: He actually has a song entitled IM GONNA RAPE YOU!!

So your interviewing prospective babysitters for your 5 year old girl and 11 year old boy, and in comes Allin with an acoustic guitar. You think that hes going to find some original way to whoo you through song, perhaps by singing a childrens bed time story or a wiggles song; when he just fucking unleashes on this beast of a song;

I knew you in high school, your tits used to make
me drool I knew if I had a chance, I'd get into
your underpants I'm gonna rape you I saw you at
the high school dance, you had on your tight black
pussy pants I offered to walk you home, and when
we were all alone That's when I raped you Then I
took the chance to walk you home, oh my mind was
blown That's when I dragged you down, on to the
cold, cold ground I wanna rape you, you slimy cunt

Now I might be wrong in saying this, but when somone starts telling me that hes going to rape me, whenever he has the chance, in any way possible and then commits to that finale of you slimy cunt, im sure as hell just going to go ahead and hire him because at least he's honest!

Or not.

Anyone who doesn't beat around the bush and at least slip you something before flat out telling you he is going to rape you, is most likely not just going to rape you, but your husband, and then your children. And not just once. As the song shows; he is gonna keep raping you, on the cold, cold ground.