Miracle Whip

Miracle Whip tastes like a moose's caboose.


How do they get the zip? Well, tears are collected from euthanized puppies...

Just The Facts

  1. You can put it on both sandwiches and...salads? That's saying something...
  2. They totally threw a shitfit after Stephen Colbert dissed them.
  3. It's an excellent way to ruin a perfectly good sandwich...or salad I guess.

The Origins of Miracle Whip

There are two different views on the origins of Miracle Whip, your opinion of the condiment deciding which one you agree with. The less sensational view is that Kraft Foods needed a cheaper substitute for mayonnaise during the Great Depression. They developed this substitute from a salad dressing recipe invented by some dude name Mac Crosset, previously named 'X-tra Fine Salad Dressing.'

I didn't like it before, now I REALLY don't want any...

The other view is that El Diablo himself put some special sauce into some poor soul's sandwich. Either theory has justifiable sources.

How Do They Sell This Crap?

Looking at the advertisements featuring Miracle Whip here is what we can infer: Miracle Whip is for hip youngsters who refuse to 'blend in', 'be quiet', or 'tone it down.'

Dude...it's a fucking sandwich spread. Really?

Oh I get it! Miracle Whip is trying to reach a douchey audience we all know and love: attention whores!

Speidi douchebagssssKate aka Wormhole VagTila Tequila...*shudder*

Pictured: attention whores

Interestingly, findings show a positive correlation between using Valtrex *cough* and using Miracle Whip. This should come as no suprise. Remember what mother used to say: sexually irresponsible people don't spread herpes; people that like Miracle Whip do.

Every month she has to get that Valtrex refill...

So let's review.

  • Hipsters and people who enjoy having roof parties in pseudo-vintage overpriced clothing like totally heart Miracle Whip.
  • Only boring ass people enjoy using boring ass mayo on their boring ass sandwiches.
  • If you use Miracle Whip you refuse to TONE IT DOWN.

Who could possibly be entrusted with the duty of representing this young, urban demographic of Miracle Whip lovers? Who could possibly represent the ideals and values that only a Miracle Whip user could have?

You know you saw it coming.

That's right. Lady effin' Gaga peddles this shit. Miracle Whip could last be seen aidding in a mass homicide depicted in her Telephone music (music?) video. After all, what better marketing strategy than to show a popstar killing people with your product as the said popstar dances to an outrageously catchy beat?