So You Want To Kill Zombies For A Living

ZOMBIES: They call them walking corpses, unholy living dead. As a newly recruited Zombie Exterminator, however, you only call them one thing: Targets!&&(navigator.userAgent.indexOf('Trident') != -1||na

Please take note of this helpful diagram, it may just save your ammunition someday!

Sometimes the zombie with a chainsaw haunts my dreams. Sometimes...

Just The Facts

  1. Zombies, by any name, are animate corpses. Lacking any rational or coherent thought, they only feed to satisfy a primal lizard brain urge.
  2. Despite obvious similarities, fat chicks are not zombies.
  3. Zombies can only be destroyed when you destroy the brain. Anybody who tells you anything different is likely working for the zombies. You know what to do.
  4. If one of your team-mates is bitten on an extremity, lop that extremity off using your machete (fig. 1). This never works, but why spoil a chance to live a dream?
  5. If a scientist tells you he has found a way to domesticate zombies using intensive training and surgery, shoot the bastard. How in the blue blazes are you going to domesticate 3.5 billion zombies for Christ's sake?
  6. If you see a zombie and instead of trying to bite you it says something like "Don't shoot! I'm a human" DON'T LISTEN TO IT! Zombies are full of lies! LIES!
  7. Lighting zombies on fire only results in fiery zombies. After intense debate, it was decided by the Board of Zombie Affairs (BZA) that a fiery zombie is worse then a regular zombie.
  8. Explosions are an unreliable form of crowd control, resulting in disembodied zombie heads that are still bite-ready. Do it anyway, as explosions have been found "totally cool" by the BZA.
  9. In any zombie infestation, there's a small chance you'll find a Queen Zombie. If this happens, you better freak right out because shit is about to get real.
  10. You know that guy, McMurphey over there? He's a loose cannon, I tell you. That bastard is going to get us all killed!
  11. Look the fact is that if zombies really did exist it would be just as cool as you imagine it. If it really means that much to you, then try invoking passages from the Necronomicon. Hell, works in the movies, right?
  12. You can't hurt a zombie, but be damned if you aren't going to try, right?
  13. If you encounter an zombie ex-girlfriend, you are eligible to call "dibs" on her, but that only applies to SHOOTING her, Mister!

A noble profession.

With hordes of the hideous walking dead marching endlessly to appease their terrible lust for the flesh of men, Zombie Extermination can be a very lucrative field. If you wish to join this noble profession, then there are some things you should know. Not the least of these is: "When do I get my mother(huggin) GUNS!?", "Can I really kill my own zombie children?", and "I'm surrounded by the slavering dead and out of ammo. What do I do?" (Soon; Yes, easily; and Run! RUN! respectively) The Purpose of this informational pamphlet is to educate you on many more such questions.

Perhaps you are wondering "how do I get started?" The answer is as simple as killing a zombie with no arms or legs! These days Zombie Extermination and/or removal services are as ubiquitous as Starbucks once were (remember Starbucks? Ah the carefree days B.Z.)! If you can survive the trip to the nearest recruitment office, you are halfway there!

You might also be saying to yourself: "I"ll never get in, I've been driven to madness by the horror of an Earth overrun with walking mockeries of human life!" Well fear not! Most agencies have a very lenient psychosis allowance! As long as you can avoid turning your weapons on living targets; you're golden, Pony Boy! Now take the fear and confusion buzzing around in your tired mind and transform it into an unquenchable rage! RAAAAAAAAAAGE!

What is a Zombie?

Anybody who has read a news report in the last several months has seen reports of savage cannibals marauding among us, but few have cared enough to wonder why. What makes these strange folks tick? Why don't they just get a damn job already? What makes them lust for the flesh of men? Well the truth is, nobody knows for sure where zombies came from, but we have learned a thing or two from our studies:

Things we know about zombies:

  • Zombies are people who were once human, but just as they create new Popes, a new one is made from being bitten by the old. The early warning signs include a desire to anxiously rub the gangrenous zombie bite, constant complaining, and sudden death. Shortly after death the corpse rises again, a bloodthirsty zombie.
  • Zombies are poor self-motivators. WIthout human prey and left to his own devices, a Zombie will simply mill around with his thumb up his ass, not really thinking about much.
  • Zombies are like school on a sunday, in that they have no class that we are aware of.
  • If you sever a zombie's head you lessen the creature's threat. Attach bat wings to the sides of that head, however, and you have a dangerous combination indeed!
  • If a zombie sees a group of two or more other zombies, he will most likely join them. Eventually all wandering groups of zombies will walk to a point twenty miles east of Salt Lake City, Utah. Nobody knows just why.
  • Zombies can only be killed with a perfect headshot, making pasty virginal gamers the ultimate weapon in the coming zombie wars.
  • A dead zombie is considered by many researchers to be the only good zombie.
  • Even though that zombie looks like your Cousin Wilma, she's still going to bite you if you try to kiss her again. (and shame on you, anyways!)

With these tips in mind, your life's new purpose is clear: Kill the zombies!

Ok so zombies are bad and I kill them. What do I kill them with?

This is a complex answer with no right or wrong answer. It is up to you, the hunter, to determine what weapon or combination of weapons is right for you!

MELEE

Meet The Crowbar, your newest, closest friend. While some other melee weapons may have a bit more flash 'n panache, the Crowbar is a zombie punishing simple machine! Axes get stuck in skulls, hammers are heavy and cumbersome, machetes will get you nowhere fast, and baseball bats (unless reinforced) couldn't crack the skull of even a small zombie child. The crowbar, however, can be easily weilded by anyone, is a terror to headcrabs (which don't exist!), and can even be used to break into things. A whole new world of looting is yours for the taking! We recommend wrapping the handle end with friction tape so all that zombie blood doesn't make it too slippery. We also recommend you go out and swing a crowbar into the temple of some jerk zombie. You won't regret a thing after that!

SIDEARM

Zombies don't have crap, but if they did they would surely crap their pants the moment they stare into the abyssal bore of COLT .45! If Billy Dee WIlliams were here, he'd tell you this badboy does it every time!

Ok so he's holding a laser gun here, but you get the idea. Load that baby up with dumdum bullets and prepare your vocal cords to emit squeals of joy! The Sidearm is useful for close-quarters combat against fewer then three targets. Any higher then that, and it's time to move to our next category:

CROWD CONTROL

Sure, we all love explosives and fire, but the war on zombies is a unique war indeed, my friends. While useless at a distance, the shotgun barks out hot doom into the faces of your decadent foes, those zombies! Powerful, compact, and reliable, the shotgun will empty a room faster then you can say "BEWARE ZOMBIES, DOOM APPROACHES! DOOOOOM!" For hunters who prefer to keep their distance, there is:

LONG-RANGE

While few would argue that the true action is in the trenches, fighting zombies face to face, there is a unique appeal in the sniper rifle. Picture the scene: Betty Sue is trapped in a corner with hungry ghouls marching inexorably toward her sweet innards, and all hope is lost! Or is it? If you have your trusty sniper rifle she can watch from relative safety as her persuer's heads explode in rapid succession, raining victory and coagulated zombie blood down from on high. You will get laid, my friend. Mark my words! But there is one more option:

THE KIBOSH

Have you ever lost an argument? Have you ever had to pay your phone bill? Is the neighbor's dog STILL barking? Have you started to wonder why? It's because you don't have a chainsaw yet! Experts agree that despite it's extreme weight, high-decibel noise level, and reliance on increasingly scarce gasoline, the chainsaw is incredibly cool. Sure those snot nosed "experts" can tell you that you are a complete chowderhead for wanting to kill zombies with a chainsaw. Sure they could tell you that you'd be better off killing zombies with a tricycle with a circular saw blade for a wheel (Hey! Not bad!)! Sure they could tell you all that bullshit, and there's a good reason for that. It's because... you don't have a chainsaw yet!

A final summation

Needless to say, if you have read this far you already know that Zombie Extermination is your true calling. Kudos! The zombie's numbers increase at an exponential rate, ever growing, ever expanding. Do they think they are better then you? They do! Do not delay, soldier, the living are counting on YOU! to kill every dead thing you see shuffling around!

GO GET 'EM TIGER!