Spartacus was a Thracian gladiator/slave, famous for starting one of the most widespread slave rebellions against the Roman Republic. The Roman Republic which is pretty much fucking bad-ass.

Pretty much sums it up.

Just The Facts

  1. Spartacus's testicles are composed of 50% steel and 50% sheer bad-assedness. Their size and power would give inspiration for modern wrecking balls.
  2. Spartacus is one of the most famous figures in Roman history.
  3. Spartacus's steel balls are so hard to portray that filmmakers have decided to ignore the fact completely.

The Beginning

Spartacus was a Thracian man, who some historians believe to have served in the Roman army in Macedonia, afterwards deserting. And because this is the Roman army we're talking about here, deserters are like pedos from Dateline NBC's To Catch A Predator. They almost always get caught.

Fortunately for the Roman deserters though, they were spared from Chris Hansen.

Spartacus was sent to a gladiatoral school near Capua, which was owned by a man named Gnaeus Cornelius Lentulus Batiatus. There, he would train and fight for the entertainment of other people (like boxers and wrestlers, only more badass)

Wanting to have none of it, Spartacus joined 70-80 other slaves in planning and executing an escape attempt, stealing knives from the cook's kitchen...

...and grabbing wagons of weapons and armor. Joined by rural slaves, Spartacus's army camped on top of a fucking volcano, Mount Vesuvius. It was then that the Senate sent after him 3,000 raw recruits lead by a praetor named Claudius Glaber.

Whose IQ is comparable to that of the above objects.

Thinking they have surrounded Vesuvius, Glaber's army camped unfortified, then slept and made barbeques (historians argue if the sauce used for said BBQ was hot or extra hot). Spartacus's army, bad-ass as they are, climbed down the other side of the mountain with ropes made of vines, then attacked the rear of Glaber's unprotected camp. The militia force of Glaber routed, and Spartacus was able to display his gigantic testicles for all to see once again.

Afterwards, Spartacus defeated force after force of Roman legionaries (who seemed to be suffering from the Stormtrooper syndrome). At the same time, his original force of 70 gladiators has increased to a force to be reckoned with, a slave army of 70 thousand men.

Spartacus's plan was to go to Gaul and the Balkans, northward, where he can send the slaves back to their homelands. Another man, meanwhile, named Crixus wanted to keep plundering and looting. This split the army in two, with most of the Gauls and Germans joining Crixus.

The Gauls and Germans, separated from Spartacus, were defeated by Publicola, and Crixus was killed. Spartacus defeated Lentulus, and then Publicola; to avenge Crixus, Spartacus had 300 prisoners from these battles fight in pairs to the death.

Arm-stepping completely optional

The Rest

After pointless debating-

The modern Roman senate

The Senate of Rome realized that Spartacus isn't going down easily. And to do the job, they sent the only volunteer, Marcus Licinius Crassus. Marcus is basically the richest man in Rome.

Basically that guy with a sword and thousands of soldiers. And without the geekiness.

Spartacus would eventually get defeated by Crassus, who would eventually crucify 6,000 of the defeated Slave army along the Appian, one of the most important roads of Rome.

Basically, this multiplied by 6000


Spartacus's legacy can be summed up in one word: LazyTown. Nickelodeon's dumb-as-fuck children's television series, where one of the main character's names is...

SPORTACUS! How ingenious! NOT. So instead of remembering THE bad-ass, Spartacus...

Gigantic steel balls cropped from picture

....future generations will remember this faggot.

Holy shit he dances!