Some people are born badass, some people achieve badassery, and some people are an ax-wielding cop riding a flying sunglass-wearing T-Rex with miniguns for arms, eating a three armed hellspawn.&&(navig
Just The Facts
- Badasses come in many forms, but all of them badass.
- Most badassery involves bears, sharks, and dinosaurs, or a badass hybrid of the three.
- Badass is both a noun and an adjective.
- You'll never be as badass as what you are about to see.
What IS a badass?
We here at Cracked like our badasses, and we mean really like our badasses. A badass is really quite a simple thing. If you look at someone who just doesn't give a fuck about how cool they are, that's a badass. Take a look at our good friend Kevin Stewart, or to give him his official title, Professor Badass:
...who graduated from the University of Fuck Y'all.
Is it the bald head, the mighty beard, the don't-give-a-fuck strut or even the pink loafers that make the good Professor a badass? Yes and no. Badassery is not something that can be easily quantified, it just simply is. We think it's better to give you the unabridged illustrated explanation as to how badassery works. Prepare yourself, there's a lot of badass ground to cover.
Now, we all know that bears can be terrifying in their ferocity and can even outwit humans. Many of them are three times our size, can run much faster than us, and would gladly rip our balls out through our throats if we gave it enough cause.
Sharks are also pretty alarming. They're one of the main reasons why our ancestors evolved their way the fuck out of the ocean as soon as they possibly could. Just watching a shark explode out of the water as it attacks a seal is as frightening as, well, pissing off a bear.
Behold then, the most badass of all God's hideous creations, the BearShark:
See that? That BearShark (who dwarfs a mountain, by the way) is so badass it wants to rip apart behooved and screaming clouds.
Isn't it great that you can watch nature shows about sharks from the comfort of your sofa, safe in the knowledge that no such horrifying creature could ever walk on land? Think again.
Even the water is screaming in terror.
The BearShark is fast, with a top of speed of 30mph on land and in the water. It has four inch long non-retractable claws and multiple rows of about 230 serrated teeth. If you ever meet one, just be happy in the knowledge that you died at the claws and teeth of one badass motherfucker.
Though he can have a sensitive side.
Other badass equivalents include:
A bear holding a Magnum wearing a badass wolf tee riding a shark away from a nuclear explosion:
...while laughing like goddamned badass maniacs.
...or a BearShark being ridden by a Macaroni Penguin holding a badass spear:
...inside what looks to be a tornado.
Of all the superheros around, we all know that Batman is by far the coolest . Anyone who says differently is clearly on the Stark Industries payroll. The reason we like him so much is because he doesn't have any superpowers, just a shitload of money he can pump into dressing up like a flying rat and kicking the shit out of criminals. How much more badass could he be? Well, there's always the fact that he has sharks for pets:
...on the same frigging leash.
...or have you forgotten the time he fucked up a shark underwater? With a lightsaber.
...whilst doing frigging yoga on its belly.
When he's not enslaving sharks, Batman enjoys nothing more than a spot of Alien ass-kicking:
...followed by a bout of Predator ass-kicking:
But before Batman has to return to the Bat Cave to feed the pet sharks, he always has time to kick some dinosaur ass.
...with a fucking bow and arrow.
Speaking of dinosaurs...
Dinosaurs are cool, pure and simple. Ever since the T-Rex first scared the shit out of that glass of water in Jurassic Park to the ... y'know what, fuck it. We don't need to explain why dinosaurs are cool, because you already know that dinosaurs are cool.
Dinosaurs with lasers, on the other hand. Now they are badass. Exhibit A:
Even the volcanoes in this picture are badass.
Again, this is pretty self-explanatory. You don't need us to tell you just how badass dinosaurs with lasers are, you just need to see it for yourself, and now that you have seen, you know. It's as simple as that. You're welcome.
Did you notice in the above examples of badassery that there were people riding those dinosaurs with lasers? This is also badass. In fact, riding dinosaurs at all, even if they don't have advanced weapons capability is still badass, as history has taught us. For example, such technology simply wasn't available in Napoleon Bonaparte's day:
"Hmm, there's still something missing..."
Many people have tried riding dinosaurs, and many people have failed, though they did get badass points for trying. If you read your Bible, you will recall in the Gospels that on what later became known as Palm Sunday, Jesus rode into Jerusalem on a Velociraptor:
Though you will notice in the following image from The Illustrated Bible that Jesus did not possess just one dinosaur, as can be seen when he conducted his Sermon on the Mount:
Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit dinosaurs.
But it's not just Jesus and Napoleon who favoured this particular mode of deadly transport. All throughout history have great figures of badassery chosen to saddle up and ride a dinosaur.
Badasses like George Washington:
As seen here celebrating the destruction of the Death Star with guests on the White House lawn.
Charles Nelson Reilly:
Hell, even Superman needs a dinosaur now and again:
Of course, badassery doesn't just consist of BearSharks, Batman, and Dinosaurs. Oh no. That would be ridiculous. There is also Chewbacca riding atop a giant squirrel fighting Nazis:
Again, it is what it is. Just go with it.
Or a cowboy riding a shark:
We have barely scratched the surface of what it means to be badass. There is so much more badassery in the world that it cannot all be contained within this one badass page. Now that you are familiar in the ways of the badass, go out, and seek it for yourself.
When you find it, show it to us.
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