Vodka Eyeballing

It's one of the most dangerous foes the world has faced in the past decade. This new trend is sweeping the globe, crushing the souls of many innocent youth. Do you know what YOUR kids put in their eyeballs when you're not watching?

Tragically, his miniature ship isn't the only thing that Vodka's going to destroy.

We're imagining it feels something like this.

Just The Facts

  1. Basically, it involves handling a shot of vodka like most sane people do a bottle of Visine.
  2. Experts believe this trend was inspired by subliminal messages in the last Harry Potter book.
  3. It has led to more awkward lectures than all of our prom nights put together.
  4. No matter how Russian or crazy you are, this is a bad idea.

This seems like a bad idea.

British tabloid The Daily Mail first broke the story in May of a dangerous new trend being practiced by "countless" students at British Universities. One can only imagine that a dramatic spike in the sales of British instruments of punishment (such as switches, bloodhounds, and - in extreme cases - dental work) occurred soon after.

It is implied that the trend possibly originated from American nightclubs, where waitresses would perform the "trick" in hopes of a bigger tip. While this might seem illogical, it does offer a handy explanation for recent studies that suggest blind waitresses earn 34% more tips than those with 20/20 vision.

...And it's spreading.

Just when our dear Stateside readers thought they could get up, dust their leather pants off, and begin rebuilding their lives after the vicious one-two punch of the KFC Double Down and Sex and the City 2, in flies this trend to deliver a swift kick to the balls of the American Dream.

Los Angeles news station WCBSTV cautions that there are over 800 videos of the stunt on Youtube. However, all of you parents out there should know that a quick Youtube search for "penis" will result in roughly 75,000 hits. So, at least you can rest easy in the knowledge that your child is far more likely to earn an internet degree in Dong-ology than they are to see someone take a shot of liquid fire in the eye.

The article even brings in expert testimony (in the form of Dr. Richard Rosen, of the New York Eye and Ear Infirmary) to remind us just exactly how bad of an idea this is. He states that "It's like using paint stripper on the surface of your eye."

Let that sink in for a second. PAINT STRIPPER. And not the good kind where you pay in dollar bills and go home looking like you just attended a crotch-area-only DayGlo party.

Hell, even Stephen Colbert called the practice out on his show. When the primary source of news for most Americans calls attention to a dangerous story, you can bet your ass we're listening.

Forget terrorism, global warming, the national debt, 4Chan, and zombies. The real threat to America is right here. Stay vigilant, comrades.