Mario: better known than Mickey Mouse because he's used in more Nintendo games than the A button.
Just The Facts
Anyone "joking" about how Mario hasn't gotten any from Peach after a million rescues is saying "I only wish I had the chance to have sex with a videogame character."
EVERYONE knows that Super Mario 2 isn't the real Mario 2. Get over it.
Lazy Design
The most successful video game character of all time was invented by Shigeru Miyamoto in the same way that some children are "invented" by their parents on accident after a night of heavy drinking. For instance, Miyamoto:
wanted to make a Popeye game but failed to get the license
called the character "Jumpman" in the least creative naming ceremony since George Foreman named his fifth child George.
renamed "Mario" to flatter a warehouse landlord Nintendo of America hadn't bothered to pay rent
given white gloves to avoid drawing the arms
a hat so Shigs wouldn't have to draw the hair
a mustache so he wouldn't have to draw a mouth
was made a plumber because a friend happened to walk in and said "Hey, that guy looks like a plumber!"
Mario "versus" Sonic
A huge deal at the time, but like the Street Fighter versus Mortal Kombat debate we can now calmly admit that Sonic was Mario's rival in the same way the Riddler technically counts as a Superman villain. Mario has gone on to feature in every generation's Best Platform Game Ever, while Sonic has 'expanded' into racing, action-adventure and the third dimension in the same way an overflowing septic tank will 'expand' into your garden.
The Glory Days. Or more accurately The Glory Two Hours, until you finished the game and played something else.
Mario Kart
In 1992, Nintendo announced a Mario racing game and everyone cried "Cash-in!" When the game was bought by everyone who even thought about liking wheels, there followed an embarrassing period of every other company programming "Shamelessness And Absolute Lack Of Imagination" into software form:
Uh, no, Nintendo, we just happened to put all our iconic characters into go-karts by coincidence. Years after you did. And yes, specifically go-karts, not even hovercraft or jetfighters or even the remotest pretense of any kind. Coincidence.
See also: motion controls, right the hell now.
The Best Power-Ups
Over the years Mario has enjoyed more powerful and insane power-ups than James Bond on LSD. But which were the best?
Star
The single most iconic power-up of all time. If you want to murder someone, just play the invincibility theme over their radio when they're driving. They'll instantly swerve into oncoming traffic.
Tanooki Suit
Mario can even make dressing up as furry animals cool, proving he's far beyond the abilities of real humans.
Metal Cap
Turns you into the Mario-1000, which is kind of cool, and turns "a goddamn water level" into a standard platform level, making it the best thing ever and a mandatory addition to every platform game ever made.
Water levels: the designer's way of saying "I hate you."
The Blue Shell
The best (and most hated) item in the Mario Kart franchise. It homes in on the leader, blows them up, and triggers incessant whining in hardcore players who complain "If this was a real racing game I'd easily and constantly dominate everyone else!" And then wonder why no-one will play a real racing game against them. Which is odd, because you'd think a gamer would be good at pattern recognition.
Mario's Worst Appearances
Super Mario 2
Super Mario 2 was really Doki Doki Panic with Mario scribbled on top, meaning that the average 1993 gamer's trapper-keeper had just as much right to be a Mario sequel. The "real" Mario 2 was just a full-price expansion pack (but because the internet didn't exist yet, people didn't know they were meant to be upset about/have a lame rationalization for pirating).
The fact that the real Mario 2 was harder than a sexually excited statue didn't help. Western players wouldn't volunteer for ridiculously difficult Japanese insanity until the Dance Dance Revolution. The hasty conversion explained why it
played like Mario had finally found some real magic mushrooms
sucked
Punch Out
Shigeru Miyamoto was a tiny bit upset to find his family-friendly mascot character presiding over a rapist brain-damaging a midget.
Mario loves this shit
The Movie
The movie so bad it couldn't even get its own hero's name right. Shigeru is on record as saying that Mario's name is not "Mario Mario," presumably because that would be stupid, and because it's as close as the ultra-polite Japanese can come to saying the movie sucks.
When you're played by Bob Hoskins in your own autobiography, that's bad, and when you can't make Dennis Hopper trying to kill Bob Hoskins fun, that's impossible.
Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Winter Games
Sonic versus Mario was the dream game of every child growing up in the 90s, which SEGA ruined by adding the only thing un-fun enough to cancel out the combined awesome.
It was more disappointing than being woken by sexy twins just so they could criticize your career choices.
Mario Monopoly
You couldn't make a game more opposite to Mario by removing his ability to jump. Which Nintendo did in 1985 with Wrecking Crew. Which was still more fun.
I Am A Teacher: Super Mario Sweater
Mario has "starred" in more insulting edutainment games than any other hero, but that's just statistics. He's also appeared in more golf and origami-based adventure games - by sheer numbers Mario has randomly appeared in more things than the face of Jesus. What he is guilty of is appearing in the worst educational game since "Scavenger Hunt: Finding Candy In Strangers' Vans"
"I am a Teacher: Super Mario Sweater" taught people how to knit cardigans, in the first example ever of kids buying their parents a game to get them to shut up.
As expected, wearing a Mario cardigan causes boys to give up on ever meeting a girl almost immediately. These happy chappies have already come up with an alternative lifestyle.
New Super Mario Bros Wii
Yeah, you're going to see more bubbles than a bubble bath
Dedicated gamers loudly whine that they could finish this game far faster if they were playing alone. Which says far more about their skills and life decisions than we think they intend.
The Mario Brand
The Mario Brand
Some complain that there are too many "damn Mario games", which makes as much sense as saying there are too many cars with a Ferrari badge. He's a walking, jumping brand, a way of saying "Nintendo Golf" that attracts people. Whereas just writing "Golf" would warn people that they're about to buy a goddamn Golf game.
Or worse.
Hey, forums? THIS is why Nintendo keep making Mario games
Super Mario Galaxy 2
Super Mario Bros revolutionized gaming, Super Mario 64 proved that the third dimension didn't have to suck, and Super Mario Galaxy 2 doubles as an absolutely foolproof asshole detector. If a gamer claims that Galaxy 2 is bad for any reason, they're an asshole! As in real life (and for Mario Cardigan wearers) the flavor of asshole you find may vary, including
Sony fanboys suffering "existence of mascot character" envy
Microsoft fanboys who think Halo (aka "My First FPS") is more manly
Those still suffering from "Saying great things suck is cool" syndrome
Mario is not concerned with having sex with The Princess. It's presumed that his love for her is so pure, that defiling her body is completely unnecessary and destructive. Mario sacrifices his own fleshly desires so that The Princess can be happy.
Explanation of Halo fanaticism vs. Mario fanaticism:
Halo:
Represents pure destruction and the replacement of human thoughts, emotions, and flaws with perfectly predictable and controllable robotic replacements
Capitalizes on military propaganda and the "sheep mentality" of beta males
Has no storyline, or heart, and instead focuses on explosions and special effects
Mario:
Is a timeless character that defies any singular fad ideology popular today
Appeals to any demographic and age
Contemplates the dimensions of time and space, fostering human logical thought processes
I want to learn to knit a Mario cardigan, now. I'd alter it to make it Luigi, though.
Also, I like the Mario movie, despite the million and one flaws. It's a shame production went so horribly wrong, as it would have been awesome to see Bob Hoskins play Mario again. But, after everything that happened including him getting hurt thanks to "Luigi" getting drunk off his ass and then driving, he'd never have agreed to another even if the movie had done awesomely.
Wtf? What the hell is the first picture based off? Nintendo has never crossed franchises, except for the Mario & Sonic thing (I am aware of Super Smash Bros.), and you gotta admit, everybody was asking for that one. Not me tough, I hate that peculiar cross over. But it's not like it's a constant concept coming back. I know this is just a way to point out the many flaws in different games, but 1) This is a topic about Mario, not every f*****g game on the planet, of witch most not even owned by Nintendo and 2) Why did you have to choose the most generic idea ever for that picture? While you were at it, you could've created: Mario Gear Solid, The Legend of Peach, God of Shroom, etc, etc. I know this wasn't the whole article, but this is what I'm bitching on right now.
It's just a comedy image designed to make you picture what other games would be like with Mario. If you're bitching about the fact that those aren't Nintendo games then you really, really need to pull the stick out of your ass.
Wow! The very first line in the article and it's "Anyone "joking" about how Mario hasn't gotten any from Peach after a million rescues is saying "I only wish I had the chance to have sex with a videogame character!""! I'm so baffled by that statement (and that you would claim it as a fact) that I don't even know where to begin! We've all known a guy who was a whipping boy for some bitchbeast in the past and has anyone of us ever been jealous of him?!? Some loser beating his head against the wall because he bends over backwards for some chick who won't give it up doesn't make us horny, it makes us laugh with pity! Methinks he doth protest too much!
TheMadWombat, I registered on this site just to say that yours is genuinely the most retarded comment I've ever read. Which is saying a lot because I have read a lot of Youtube comments in my time.
Incidentally, TheSexuallyFrustratedBecauseHeWantsToBonePeachWombat is a much cooler name. Too bad it exceeds the character limit for names on even Saudi Arabian websites.
Mario Galaxy was awesome. Mario Galaxy 2 was a hasty remix that would have served perfectly well as DLC. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed it. It just lacked the sheer awesomeness of its predecessor.
How dare you not included the Hammer Brother Suit from Super Mario Bros. 3 as the best power-up of all time? It's the single-most broken power-up in the history of the series! You were impervious to fire and small projectiles while ducking, and you could throw HAMMERS that killed ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING!
I'm certain my kid sister has every single f*****g Mario for the Wii. And the worst thing is, they're all exactly the same. I asked her the other day, what the difference was between Super Paper Mario and Super Mario Galaxy. She said the backgrounds.
The difference is Super Paper Mario is an action RPG with a VERY SHOCKINGLY deep plot, interesting new characters, and (most importantly) you can play as Bowser.
Super Paper Mario was fun for about the first playthrough. SMRPG was way better, and you could play as Bowser. Your kid sister is wise beyond her years.
Super Mario RPG needs to be released for the 3DS. That would cement the deal for me and I would have a 3DS as soon as possible. With the price drop I'm thinking of getting one because of Zelda OOT, but Mario RPG would just make it the greatest game system ever.
Not to be a microsoft fanboy but i hate inaccurate statistics. That chart of mario trumping halo, sonic and final fantasy is pretty unfair considering mario has been in games what? a full 20 years before the first halo.
Same here, but I think it's mainly because you can play as Luigi. I usually end up as Toadstool because her floating ability is a bit better than Luigi's, but I still love that Luigi is an option without having to be "player 2".
ill keep whining, mario wii is MUCH easier when playing alone, when my husband and I play together, I wonder how the man can walk and talk at the same time with his horrid hand eye cordination. we played for weeks, I got sick of it, and beat it alone in a few days. and where the heck is docter mario? goodness I LOVED that game growing up, and mario bro. 3, ok that one got a mention with the toonki tail. mario is an icon for 30 somethings, we grew up with him, lol hell I bought a wii just so I could play mario games again..goofy, of course, but I enjoy it
VOGUECATCH ONLINE STORE is a professional trading company specializing in high quality shoes, jerseys, casual wear, handbags, caps, sunglasses and watches. Our business expand over South Asia, North America, South America, Oceania and Europe. we have accumulated abundant experience and established stable and faithful business relationships with customers worldwide.
"""""""our company lentron is a professional exporting company dealing with name brand footwear, such as Nike etc. All of the products are exported to America, Europe, Middle-east and Southeast Asian countries.and honor with a good develop the market with you. We sincerely hope to cooperate with the customers at home and abroad to develop together. reputation in the international company is a direct exporter and is becoming a brand enterprise integrated with design, production and sales together.With our good service,.our price $33jean,$35bag,$15tshirt,$33jordan shoes,15sunglasess, $13cap,"""""""" we believe lentron Trade CO., Ltd. is able to
our price $33shoes,$15tshirt,15sunglasess, $13cap,$33jean,$35bag You can see the more photos and the price for our product in our website our website name is in the photos.we have all kinds of brand new shoes,clothing, handbag,sunglasses,hats etc for sale, 8000000% best quality with the cheapest price. ,they are satisfied with our product"
Mario is not concerned with having sex with The Princess. It's presumed that his love for her is so pure, that defiling her body is completely unnecessary and destructive. Mario sacrifices his own fleshly desires so that The Princess can be happy.
ReplyHave you loved as Mario has loved?
Explanation of Halo fanaticism vs. Mario fanaticism:
ReplyHalo:
Represents pure destruction and the replacement of human thoughts, emotions, and flaws with perfectly predictable and controllable robotic replacements
Capitalizes on military propaganda and the "sheep mentality" of beta males
Has no storyline, or heart, and instead focuses on explosions and special effects
Mario:
Is a timeless character that defies any singular fad ideology popular today
Appeals to any demographic and age
Contemplates the dimensions of time and space, fostering human logical thought processes
Get it?
hey, maybe actually play halo before you pass judgment
hey, maybe actually play halo before you pass judgement
I want to learn to knit a Mario cardigan, now. I'd alter it to make it Luigi, though.
ReplyAlso, I like the Mario movie, despite the million and one flaws. It's a shame production went so horribly wrong, as it would have been awesome to see Bob Hoskins play Mario again. But, after everything that happened including him getting hurt thanks to "Luigi" getting drunk off his ass and then driving, he'd never have agreed to another even if the movie had done awesomely.
Hey that last type of a*****e sounds alot like some of the writers on here.
Replygreat article! it's notable that "marionetta" in "puppet" in Italian
ReplyWHAT?! They rejected Marionetta!?!!
ReplyI would so have it if I could be Rosalina with the pistol high heels than Peach.
"Those still suffering from "Saying great things suck is cool" syndrome"
ReplyThose people are called "Hipsters" my good man.
I'm crossing my fingers and waiting for Jak and Yoshi.
Replyf****n right. yoshi would make a much better sidekick than daxter.
Wtf? What the hell is the first picture based off? Nintendo has never crossed franchises, except for the Mario & Sonic thing (I am aware of Super Smash Bros.), and you gotta admit, everybody was asking for that one. Not me tough, I hate that peculiar cross over. But it's not like it's a constant concept coming back. I know this is just a way to point out the many flaws in different games, but 1) This is a topic about Mario, not every f*****g game on the planet, of witch most not even owned by Nintendo and 2) Why did you have to choose the most generic idea ever for that picture? While you were at it, you could've created: Mario Gear Solid, The Legend of Peach, God of Shroom, etc, etc. I know this wasn't the whole article, but this is what I'm bitching on right now.
ReplyIt's just a comedy image designed to make you picture what other games would be like with Mario. If you're bitching about the fact that those aren't Nintendo games then you really, really need to pull the stick out of your ass.
I would play The Legend of Peach and God of Shroom they sound interesting
It's not "Mario Monopoly", you twit. It's Nintendo Monopoly. I actually bought that for my boyfriend, and he loves it.
Replythank god you're here to clear up this mess. I thought our universe was going to unravel into paradoxical worm hole!
Wow! The very first line in the article and it's "Anyone "joking" about how Mario hasn't gotten any from Peach after a million rescues is saying "I only wish I had the chance to have sex with a videogame character!""! I'm so baffled by that statement (and that you would claim it as a fact) that I don't even know where to begin! We've all known a guy who was a whipping boy for some bitchbeast in the past and has anyone of us ever been jealous of him?!? Some loser beating his head against the wall because he bends over backwards for some chick who won't give it up doesn't make us horny, it makes us laugh with pity! Methinks he doth protest too much!
Reply Hide All See All 5 Replieshush, madwombat. the grownups are talking.
TheMadWombat, I registered on this site just to say that yours is genuinely the most retarded comment I've ever read. Which is saying a lot because I have read a lot of Youtube comments in my time.
Methinks TheMadWombat is sexually frustrated because he wants to bone peach.
Incidentally, TheSexuallyFrustratedBecauseHeWantsToBonePeachWombat is a much cooler name. Too bad it exceeds the character limit for names on even Saudi Arabian websites.
I'd f**k Luigi. So, yes, I'd have sex with a video game character were it possible.
Mario Galaxy 2 was awesome.
ReplyMario Galaxy was awesome. Mario Galaxy 2 was a hasty remix that would have served perfectly well as DLC. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed it. It just lacked the sheer awesomeness of its predecessor.
How dare you not included the Hammer Brother Suit from Super Mario Bros. 3 as the best power-up of all time? It's the single-most broken power-up in the history of the series! You were impervious to fire and small projectiles while ducking, and you could throw HAMMERS that killed ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING!
ReplyI'm certain my kid sister has every single f*****g Mario for the Wii. And the worst thing is, they're all exactly the same. I asked her the other day, what the difference was between Super Paper Mario and Super Mario Galaxy. She said the backgrounds.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesThe difference is Super Paper Mario is an action RPG with a VERY SHOCKINGLY deep plot, interesting new characters, and (most importantly) you can play as Bowser.
The difference is the Mario games are not the same and you are that "sister" trying to cover up your own opinions, retard.
Super Paper Mario was fun for about the first playthrough. SMRPG was way better, and you could play as Bowser. Your kid sister is wise beyond her years.
Super Mario RPG needs to be released for the 3DS. That would cement the deal for me and I would have a 3DS as soon as possible. With the price drop I'm thinking of getting one because of Zelda OOT, but Mario RPG would just make it the greatest game system ever.
Not to be a microsoft fanboy but i hate inaccurate statistics. That chart of mario trumping halo, sonic and final fantasy is pretty unfair considering mario has been in games what? a full 20 years before the first halo.
Replyits a joke dickhead.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that Mario brothers 2 was my favorite out of the Nintendo series.
ReplySame here, but I think it's mainly because you can play as Luigi. I usually end up as Toadstool because her floating ability is a bit better than Luigi's, but I still love that Luigi is an option without having to be "player 2".
What is "Mario" ?
Replyha ha, awesome TreyBot
"Yeah, you're going to see more bubbles than a bubble bath"
ReplyProfound.
ill keep whining, mario wii is MUCH easier when playing alone, when my husband and I play together, I wonder how the man can walk and talk at the same time with his horrid hand eye cordination. we played for weeks, I got sick of it, and beat it alone in a few days. and where the heck is docter mario? goodness I LOVED that game growing up, and mario bro. 3, ok that one got a mention with the toonki tail. mario is an icon for 30 somethings, we grew up with him, lol hell I bought a wii just so I could play mario games again..goofy, of course, but I enjoy it
ReplyVOGUECATCH ONLINE STORE is a professional trading company specializing in high quality shoes, jerseys, casual wear, handbags, caps, sunglasses and watches. Our business expand over South Asia, North America, South America, Oceania and Europe. we have accumulated abundant experience and established stable and faithful business relationships with customers worldwide.
Reply"""""""our company lentron is a professional exporting company dealing with name brand footwear, such as Nike etc. All of the products are exported to America, Europe, Middle-east and Southeast Asian countries.and honor with a good develop the market with you. We sincerely hope to cooperate with the customers at home and abroad to develop together. reputation in the international company is a direct exporter and is becoming a brand enterprise integrated with design, production and sales together.With our good service,.our price $33jean,$35bag,$15tshirt,$33jordan shoes,15sunglasess, $13cap,"""""""" we believe lentron Trade CO., Ltd. is able to
our price $33shoes,$15tshirt,15sunglasess, $13cap,$33jean,$35bag You can see the more photos and the price for our product in our website our website name is in the photos.we have all kinds of brand new shoes,clothing, handbag,sunglasses,hats etc for sale, 8000000% best quality with the cheapest price. ,they are satisfied with our product"
OUR WEBSITE:
HTTP://WWW.VOGUECATCH.COM