Phil Jackson

Phil Jackson is the current coach of the LA Lakers, a team nobody likes. With 10 NBA titles, he remains an inspiration to mediocre coaches everywhere who need only the greatest players ever to launch them to fame and glory.

In 1971 and 72, Jackson led the league in pedophilic facial hair.

Just The Facts

  1. Phil Jackson has won 12 titles in his NBA career; 2 as a player with the New York Knicks, 6 as a coach with the Chicago Bulls and 4 as a coach with the Los Angeles Lakers.
  2. Jackson has coached teams to three different championship "three-peats": the Bulls in 1991-93 and 1996-98, and the Lakers in 2000-02.
  3. Throughout his coaching career, Jackson's teams have won over 70% of their games.

College and NBA Career

Jackson played college basketball at the University of North Dakota from 1964-67 under future NBA coach Bill Fitch. He helped the Fighting Sioux go far into the Division II tournament a couple of years despite the fact that, just like today, no one cared about Division II basketball/football/anything. He was extremely tall and freakish, with a height of 6'8" and long arms and legs that made attractive women stare on in horrified pity. Jackson was praised for his work ethic, and was well known for hustling on defense and diving for loose balls. In fact, Jackson dove on the floor so often that he was nicknamed "The Mop," which may have been a reference to his constant sliding across the floor, or possibly to his long, knotted, white pubic hair.

During his senior year, Jackson averaged over 27 points per game. After graduating, he was drafted in the second round by the New York Knicks as the 17th overall pick, and went on to an exciting career as one of the league's best benchwarmers. Because of spinal fusion surgery, he was unable to participate in the 1969-70 season, but fortunately still got credit for helping the Knicks to a championship that year. He was also a backup on the Knicks team that won the championship during the 1972-73 season.

Jackson played with the Knicks until 1978, when he went to the New Jersey Nets where he was given the position of player and assistant coach (which is really just a friendly way of saying that you should just be the team manager instead). He finally retired from playing in 1980, having averaged just over 6 points per game throughout his career.

Coaching Career

After retiring from his playing career, Jackson began his new career as coach in lower-level professional leagues in America and Puerto Rico, winning many games and championships that nobody's grandma gave a flying shit about. (If your grandmother claims to have cared about these games, she is lying.)

Finally, Jackson caught his big break and was hired as an assistant coach with the Chicago Bulls in 1987. After a couple of fairly successful seasons under head coach Doug Collins, in 1989 Jackson seized command of the team after a violent mutiny in which thousands died, and as a gesture of his victory stuck Collins' head on a stake before the city gates of Chicago (citation needed).

Chicago Bulls, 1989-1998

When Jackson took over the head coach position for the Bulls, his only assets were a lucrative salary, a relatively talented team, and the greatest player in the history of the game. Equipped with only these bare essentials, Jackson proceeded to shock and amaze even the harshest of critics as he boldly led his team to the 1990 Eastern Conference finals.

Then, with his superb coaching, Jackson helped Michael Jordan win championships, since the greatest player in the history of the game would never have won games on his own.

Los Angeles Lakers, 1999-Present

After taking a year off from the coaching business, Jackson decided that the simple life of an overly glorified ex-coach was too boring. Jackson yearned to coach again, but with the retirement of Michael Jordan and the free agent loss of Scottie Pippin to Houston, coaching the Bulls again was simply out of the question. Jackson knew that coaching mediocre players would only expose his own mediocrity, and he knew that he would have to search elsewhere for great players who could carry him on their shoulders to glory. In this search, he found exactly what he needed: the Los Angeles Lakers.